BPDFamily.com

Mother's Day 2016, my dad tells me my mother is causing great distress in their home.  I knew she was "depressed" but did not realize to what extent.  When my dad explained, the locked door of my childhood was pried open.  All those hidden memories of the long-ago life that I "escaped" from had just begun to come rushing out at me.  I had no idea the extent of chaos my dad's confession would bring onto my life.  I am here because of a desire to learn and cope.  I still have hopes of saving my mother and my dad.  Those are fading fast though.  I am hoping to learn enough to at least deal with her and also to assess the damage I caused my own children from exposing her to them while growing up and using some of her techniques to raise them.  At the present time, I am a mess.  Without the support of my awesome husband and my children, I would not even have gotten this far.  I join y'all now if hopes of learning, growing and letting go.  I am utterly flabbergasted to know there are so many folks who have experienced what I am experiencing and still am.  As I read about BPD, there are times I have to walk away from the books.  It seems as if these authors were recording my life and decided to write a book about it.  I almost feel violated at how accurately my life can be described in the pages of these books.  Hopefully, I will learn from you who are here and one day offer comfort to another that is stumbling on the same realizations that I am today.  Peace

Hi dragonfly$22,

I'm glad that you reached out to us for support! 

If you grew up in a home with a person with BPD,  it may be natural to fix or rescue,  because that may have been expected of you,  though that is a heavy burden to place on a child.  Does that feel familiar?

Your primary family (H and children) sound great.  When kids are little,  they may not notice things that we do with the grandparents.  How do you think they were affected,  and how are they doing now?

Turkish

Hi dragonfly$22

I would like to join Turkish in welcoming you here.


Yeah I know that feeling. I learned about BPD when reading an article 6 years ago and it was a very surreal experience. Like you it felt like the author was describing my life and family without ever having seen or talked to any of us.

Being raised by a BPD parent can be very difficult for children and can affect you even in your adult life. In the right hand-side margin of this board, we have the so-called Survivors' Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse. The guide can help you come to terms with what you've been through and how it has affected you and also help you heal and move on. When you look at the guide, are there any areas that particularly resonate with you?

Take care

The Board Parrot

Turkish,
When I was a child, I knew early on there was something wrong with my mother. She was a game I learned to play to avoid any trouble coming my way; I shared only what was necessary. My alcoholic father took a large portion of the spotlight, so I was protected in a warped way until I began thinking for myself. My compass always pointed opposite of my mother's causing much distress in our "relationship". It was almost an instinct. It didn't always serve me well but did so more than fail me. She used me as a tool to deal with my alcoholic father... .made me stay up to wait for him... .made me shame him... .made me shun him... .  I couldn't say no because I was too young to think for myself. Then later in my childhood, I was extremely careful what I told her about every subject I experienced.  I lied many times so I could experience life without her telling me I was wrong or stupid. I would forget once in a while only to be reassured that I was too dumb to think for myself. I learned to tell her what she wanted to hear or just simply make her mad so I could change the subject. I went into relationships expecting someone to save me but wanted to control it all.  The fist time I realized I could not control someone, I was crushed! No tools to know how to do anything else! I had a whole marriage ruined like this... .there were other reasons too but it took me til now (25 years later) to understand just how much I actually had to do with it. 
My children had a ton of exposure to her because at some point I went brain-dead. She was presenting well. I chalked it up to us having an "adult relationship " and her being well medicated. I was horribly wrong but did not find this out until the last couple years. My illusion was that my kids had the grandmother I never did. I asked her one day, 'Who are you? Where were you when I was growing up?'. She made some statement about being easier as a grandmother... .,idk... .  I fell for it and my kids were grossly exposed. A decade-plus later I have learned these "awesome years" were a lie. Lots of clues I missed and ignored. When things finally got my attention, I was devastated and embarrassed. I exposed my kids to some of what I grew up with! How shameful of me. I could always explain things away.
Two years ago I find out the mother of my childhood is still raging and active. I go into rescue mode only to be extremely ridiculed and put down by her and later even my father, who btw stopped drinking mostly. I managed to get her to be briefly hospitalized, to a psychiatrist and a therapist; all to no avail. Her manipulation skills are too great for any assistance. Even worse, she has no idea that she could herself ever be wrong... .about ANYTHING! I have a therapist who is helping me find my own voice and I have been seeking info on the net and books. I am being very honest with my children about her actions and the facts that arise.  I try to share my personal feelings only when they ask. To her horror, my children are very close and talk a lot among themselves. They are very aware. I have left them free to pursue whatever relationship they wish to create with her without my interference... .just my warning to be extremely careful.
I was preparing for aging parents... .not my childhood horrors-this controlling, irate, hysterical, evil woman-coming back out to destroy all I am and all I love. This even includes my father who I am worried sick about, as he is the object of her hatred. I am feeling pretty disunioned right now.

Thank you Board Parrot!

Hi again dragonfly$22


You're welcome! :)

How are you feeling today?


Could you give some examples of clues you believe you missed or ignored?


How did you come to this realization? Was it like a lightbulb moment, did something in particular happen perhaps that made you view your mother differently?


It is unfortunate that the help she got did not lead to more positive results. How were you able to get her hospitalized?

The Board Parrot