BPDFamily.com

God! The Christmas holidays are SO hard when we're in this mash-up. I don't think anyone except a fellow BPD parent or equivalent can relate. There is no physical death, so no one extends condolences. No physical diagnosis, so no 'prayers for you', etc... .Just this twilight zone of questions with few answers.
We can only try to 'get through it'. I do this by not playing Christmas music or tuning it out in the stores. And thankfully, we, as a family, did not put a lot of emphasis on Christmas buying of presents, so I can avoid much of the hoopla associated with that. I so miss our daughter. She was into Christmas decorating. Loved to collect holly and greenery for the house. Candles. She is a good person deep down, if I can help her find it again.
I dropped my son off in the city yesterday so he could visit with her a bit. It's so important for me to know he will still have some sort of a relationship with her after my husband and I part this world. He has no friends, and she is his only chance to get out a bit and socialize. But, my husband and I have never, nor will ever likely, be invited to her place for a visit. So, as I dropped my son off at a coffee shop and drove away, I cried. I cried because I knew she was close, but I couldn't see her. Close, but I  could never hug her. Tell her how much we love and miss her.
I sent some things in bag for her and her partner to enjoy over the next few weeks... .candied nuts, chocolate, chestnuts. I likely will not have another opportunity to give her anything before Christmas. And instead of the joy we are supposed to feel at this time of year, I mourn for what we are missing, have lost.
I know we are not alone in this feeling of sadness, but I thought if I put it down on this board to share with others, it would make it a little more bearable.
I keep hoping.

Beautifully written.

I also miss my daughter, but for different reasons, mine is in a residential treatment program.  We will be seeing her on Christmas Day for the first time since her October admit date.

Thanksgiving stunk.

You are not alone.

 

Hello Beady.

Yes, holidays can be very emotional times when families are not "clicking."   I do relate to what you wrote... ."there is no physical death"... .but yet we do grieve.  We are Moms and we have "lost" the child we wanted ours to be.

We are in yet another period of no communication with our (undiagnosed but highly probable as having BPD) daughter.  We also have a son.  We have always encouraged him to keep a healthy relationship with her... .told him we did not expect/want him to take sides (although our daughter has tried hard to have that happen) and that we would never question him about his sister.  Her name sometimes comes up if we are reminiscing and we make a conscience effort to let the conversation flow in a natural way... .no bad-mouthing of her from us to make our son uncomfortable.   

I cry too, Beady... .but not near as much as I used to.  This roller coaster ride with our daughter has gone on for many years and we have worked through the different stages of grieving.  Now we try to work on accepting the life we have... .and moving on.  Easier said than done... .but we can't let her control our lives... .nor our happiness.

I will ask... .have you ever gone to counselling for yourself?  Talking with a professional helped me over some of the rougher spots. 

I also find participating on this form comforting... .giving me an opportunity to pour out my heart, then feel the support from others.  The same support is here for you, too.

Hope to hear more from you, Beady.

Hugs   from another Mom.

Huat

I was to see a psychologist about 2 weeks ago. She has some history of her own with difficult family interactions, although she doesn't tell me specifically what they are. So, I did have a good chat with her. She says not to e-mail my daughter, which is the only way my daughter wants to communicate. And she never answers the rare one I do send her, unless it's to unleash a couple of pages noting every mistake I made as parent ( and most of the accusations are typical BPD stuff.)
 I should be used to the Christmas blues by now. My mother died by suicide in 1995. My son was diagnosed schizophrenic around 2004. My daughter started having issues in junior high (around 1997). Cutting, suicide attempts, etc. So, I've had many sad Christmases. My daughter had been pretty stable until 2 years or so ago, when she showed what I feel is true BPD behavior. Despite the issues in the past, we always seemed to be able to put aside our differences enough to at least have a quick visit with her. But this year, she's truly lost to me.
I know I'm not the only parent on this board in this position. It's a lonely place to be.

Beady -

I'm sorry to hear about all of your past troubles.  It must be hard on you.

You said something important:

"I know I'm not the only parent on this board in this position."

You're right.  You're probably not, and the people here are willing to help, listen, advise, give you a shoulder on which to cry.  You are not alone.


-JYW

Hi again, Beady.

Good to read that you have spoken to a psychologist.  I hope that you can continue with her.  It is even better that she, herself, has a history with "difficult family interactions."  She can relate much better than someone who has sailed through life.

Our daughter is now 51.  Our problems started when she was 12.  A counsellor we had at the time suggested that we write to each other rather than continue with face-to-face blow-ups.  After a few years of this, I started to keep the letters.  I have a stack.  Interspersed with the hateful ones are a few heartfelt cards/letters of apologies.  I take those out every now and then to remind me that she fights demons.

Well, then through technology, came e-mailing... .and we got onto that.  Even though we live within blocks of each other. rather than picking up a phone or talking one-on-one... .e-mailing became her main mode of contact.  When she would go into one of her "episodes" the e-mails came fast, furious, caustic.  I had to prepare myself to click open.  Life would be so difficult but then the time came when I knew I had to block her.   So... .I agree with your psychologist.  If  something is not working... .change it.

With a little help, Beady, you are going to make it through these holidays... .holidays that are certainly not "Hallmark" ones for everyone.  I've heard the line... ."life is what you make it."  That is one of the things I try to remember when I'm down... .look for something... .anything... .to get a smile on my face.  You certainly have lived through a lot of drama in your life.  You deserve some smiles!

Keep posting!

Huat

Hi Beady,
I was just about to post about how bad the holidays can be then I saw your post. I have for years not looked forward to the holidays. It is a known fact that for BPD's as well the holidays are not easy for them. My 32 year old BPD daughter has not spent Christmas with me for quite a few years. I always want everyone together for Christmas but she always backs out at the last minute. I think she does that to spite me. The best way I have to look at it now is that we all have choices in life. My choice now is to focus on me. Do not get me wrong, I still long for the day that we all could be together as a "family". I have to accept this may never happen. As the serenity prayer says " God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... .". As hard as that is we all have to accept. I wish things were different for you as well as all the others on this site. I think none of us ever expect to have  our lives turn out the way they do, especially with our children. I think the most important thing we can do is have gratitude for what we have and learn to focus on ourselves. We deserve this but it is up to us to make these efforts. I wish you peace and serenity.

Thank you everyone for those wise words. Feeling a bit better today. The sun is shining. Small things that make life a bit easier to bear.

Beady - I sure share the same heartache you have. Christmas was such a magical celebration when my two kids were little. I had so much fun shopping, decorating, and cooking to make everything special for them.

Twenty years later what a different story! Christmas turned into a nightmare when we had our BPD daughter go into residential treatment over her Christmas break from college. She went willingly but then begged us to let her come home. Her doctor and the therapists at the center said she needed to stay, so I followed their advice. It seems to me that that was one of the monumental breaks in our relationship. She will never forgive me for that.

There was one year when "I'll Be Home For Christmas" came on. I lost my composure and I could not stop sobbing knowing that she may never be home for Christmas again. This is all so unimaginable to me.

My son was over last week and said he feels like he doesn't even have a sister. She skipped his wedding in September because she "left our family" in May. She is living in Tuscon somewhere with her partner but we don't even have an address. I have texted her after the wedding, for her birthday, and Thanksgiving telling her I love her, I hope she is doing well and I am always available for her. No response. I'm wondering now if I should text her for Christmas?

My husband is ok letting her be on her own. He has had to rescue her from so many situations. The drama was relentless. We are not supporting her financially any more. That is scary to me, but paying for everything didn't work either. I don't see how this can ever get better, but I do believe in the power of prayer. So that is what I have to do. I don't believe anyone is ever beyond hope. 

To all of us going through the same thing, it's nice to know that BPD is real, we are not crazy, it hurts like hell, it's not what we hoped for while raising our kids, lots of people don't understand how much it hurts, and we struggle to accept things as they are and still live our lives.

Thank you to all of you who post here.

I so relate to Wanttounderstand when she writes about sobbing... .for me, at times, it has been gut-wrenching sobbing.  I have shed more than my allotment of tears over the almost 40-year-roller-coaster-ride with my daughter.   It has been my total disbelief that what has happened to our family... .to me!... .could even happen.  All this because of a daughter who has been loved so much, yet who just couldn't love us... .me!... .in return.

Looking back over the years I can see that she had her meltdowns/blow-ups when she could get more bang-for-her-buck... .our anniversaries (we "celebrated" our 17th on the streets looking for our 12-yr-old runaway)... .birthday celebrations... .Christmases, etc.   We were in a relatively good space one year, looking forward to Christmas at her house with all the family when she had a surprise meltdown (well, pretty well all have been a surprise).  Most of the time it is me, her Mom, who has "caused" the problem... .and so it was that time.  As a result, in her anger, she cancelled Christmas... .on Christmas Eve.   That, indeed, was one of our saddest Christmases.  Presents sat unopened under our tree. 

It has helped me so much to participate on this forum and come to realize, as Wanttounderstand writes, that "BPD is real, we (as parents) are not crazy"... .and, yes, it can hurt like hell... .a special kind of hurt only we parents know. 

Wanttounderstand also writes that "we struggle to accept things as they are and still live our lives."  For me, that has been the key... .to accept what is... .IS... .get on with life.  Easy?  No!  For the most part, I still make a conscience effort to keep myself on that track... .refuse the invitations to the oh, so welcoming Pity-Parties... .but gotta admit that sometimes I do make an appearance.   : ((

The happiest people, I'm convinced, are those who are resilient... .those who will hit a brick wall, bounce, then careen off in another direction.  I strive for that resilience.

Happy (although maybe different) Holidays to all of us!

Huat