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The relationship with my expwBPD just triggered the hell out of my abandonment issues from being an adopted child... .

From the love bombing and idealization phase... .(felt like home and was amazing)
then the quick and brutal discard... .

My head just can't stop how I was so easily let go and in the very depths of my soul it was and is my worst fear... .

Regardless of what I know intellectually - my whole being shouts to me that I am not worthy, I am broken to the core and that is the reason why I was discarded... .thrown away... .

Each and every day I yearn to hear from her... .I obsess about whether she thinks of me and did I ever matter.
I have fantasies of her coming to see me... .regretting her decision, telling me she never got over me...

I know the depth of this relationship triggers all those adoption issues... .I just don't know what to do with them...

My adopted family is wonderful, my life has been a good one.  But there is just something you carry when you know your mother didn't want you...

curious is anyone else has this as well and if it makes us more prone to these types of relationships...

Thanks... and hugs...

hi salvage, and *welcome*

i can really feel your pain. the ending of my relationship really opened up my fears of abandonment too, and i realized just how damaging it can be.

theres a book we recommend here that i found especially helpful in better understanding my fears, the effect that the breakup had on me, and it gave me some tools to help manage. you can find it here: https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing

additionally, are you seeing a therapist to help you cope?

Yes, I've been seeing a therapist since about 2 weeks after the relationship ended.  Also tried over 4 anti depressants.  Unfortunately things are actually worsening as time moves by...

I met with a new therapist last week that specializes in adult adoptees and plan on going to my first adoptee support group this weekend. 

In order to continue with the new therapist I have to stop seeing my existing one.  Not sure if that is or isn't the right decision for me... .

i had a frustrating time with anti depressants myself, and it felt so discouraging because similarly to how you describe, i was trying things, and it felt like things were still getting worse.

so for starters, i would say that its not uncommon for it to feel like things are getting worse before they get better, but that they do get better. do you have friends and family that youre able to lean on?

i would also add that once i was much further removed from the pain, and life began to get back to normal, i looked back on it all, and could see that every bit of it, even the stagnant parts, and the blackest parts, were progress. it will hardly remove the pain for you to hear that, but i do hope that it gives you some hope.


why is that?

I was adopted, yet into a not loving family.  I know I have early attachment difficulties, feel I have a bit of a disorganized attachment style and am working on this.  What has helped me the most is working with a therapist knowlegable of trauma and qualified in EMDR, ACR (affective circuit resetting) and brainspotting.

The ACR is awesome because we worked on rewiring early developmental wiring, even preverbal.  It works!  I felt my baseline elevate after very few sessions of this, and it continues to.

Salvage
My r/s with a pwBPD ended suddenly and it took mos. of T for a conclusion of my own fear of abandonment from my father's death when I was 10 and a hermit unloving mother after his death.
If you realize the fear of abandonment as an issue, you are on the right path for healing.
I was diagnosed with my own BPD, using Narcissistic behavior to control others from leaving me. That diagnosis fit both my breakup with my ex wife of 20+ years and the exBPD r/s. Both included some nasty post breakup emails and stalking.
Get some outside help to discuss your core issue.
Backing up to the "love bombing" stage. Sucked me right in and was captivating, like doing drugs, but better.
Do we attract this type of person for a r/s?
I never thought so, but it appears to be somewhat true.
My exBPD told me during the first monthh that her birth father committed suicide when she was 2 years old, that she was molested at age 15 by one of her mother's boyfriends, and that both of her ex-husbands cheated on her and were abusive.

I realize now that that is way too much information in such a short early time of a relationship. Most normal relationships take time to develop and sharing that kind of intimate information is not done so early.

I haveI have to get to work so I'll check up on the board later. Please take this time to reflect and get some outside help. It took me too long before I realized what happened and I lived in the abyss of depression for 2 months. Don't feel bad it's been six months since The Break-Up and I still let her live in my head and constantly want to make contact with her .

big mistaKe

@once removed

You asked why I had to leave my current therapist to work with another?  Its something my current T told me (although she didn't do this smoothly and it was a very rough session).

I met with the 2nd one and I do like her but I've been working with my current T for over a year so its hard to let go and feel like I'm starting over.

I've discussed with some close friends who have know me for decades and they do think I should make the switch... that my current T doesn't seem to be helping me and they too thought she handled in informing me I'd need to stop with her if I started with someone else badly...

I'm still considering... .Its amazing and so sad that I don't trust my self or my head anymore... .Makes decisions like this so hard...

Hi salvage,

If it helps to get outside opinions in making decisions right now, I'd say that from where I stand it seems like a really positive move to enter therapy with someone who specialises in the area that is affecting you most.  Personally I'd suggest you take the opportunity presented to you.  It seems to be falling into place just when you need it.  Let us know how you're doing.

Love and light x