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My wife sent me a text this morning that can only be described as delusional. She used precise, descriptive language which I won’t share here. But To summarize what she believes is happening with my family of origin:
- She believes my FoO is gathering evidence that she’s an unfit mother and a bad person, with my active support and participation. In other words, I’m an “inside agent” working against her
- She believes my FoO desperately wants me to divorce her and obtain full custody of our daughter
- She believes my FoO doesn’t actually want a relationship with their granddaughter, but instead wants to obtain a “victory” by destroying her life

I understand and am tying to respond to the emotions, but this particular text was SO obvious, I’m wondering if a more immediate or drastic approach is required. This is NOT getting any better, and my wife is NOT getting any professional support. I have tried to validate in the past but I’ve crossed the lines many times and validated her delusion. I’m vowing to NOT do that again but I need some better alternatives. Maybe there isn’t much to do EXCEPT just focus on the emotion and let this burn out, but I feel it getting hotter and hotter, meaning, she’s seizing on it more and more.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

Can you think of ANY reason she is so fixated on this and your FOO?  They have certainly become a convenient boogeyman for her, able to be blamed for her feelings.

Is she getting notes from school or any feedback she is a bad mother from elsewhere that would be feeding this?  Or even from your kids in inadvertent kid comments? 

I can think of three options. They do depend on you being strong enough not to cave in and tell her what she wants. So you'll have to be the judge of your own strength there.

1. Hear her out. Give her the opportunity to talk about this. Ask her questions to draw out her reasoning. Do not agree to anything, just listen to her story. Maybe this will let you figure out a better way to proceed. However, if she's used to dysregulating or making demands during these discussions, this may not be a wise approach.

2. A very strong SET, with the truth that you don't discuss your marriage with your FOO, and your relationship with your FOO is going to continue.

3. A boundary to simply ignore/not respond/not engage in any discussion of this nature.

Hi DaddyBear77, I hope you don't mind but I want to pull the focus off the validity of her thoughts for a second and ask how you are doing. I sense exhaustion and emotional burnout in your words. In my view, giving validation and understanding has to follow self care first. If your wife's attacks on you and your FOO's character are taking their toll, maybe you should consider not engaging with it for a brief time if possible (much easier said than done, I know).

Now on to your question. I have had very similar issues with my wife and my FOO and cut off ties with some family members because of it. Now I'm getting ready to get back in touch, whether she approves or not. I made the mistake of OVER-validating to the point where I actually believed the terrible things she said about my family, and lost most of the precious last few months with my grandmother because of it. The truth is that my family can be insensitive at times, and she was right about a lot of things she said about them, but I think she lost sight of them as people with good sides and bad. So my guess would be that your wife's feelings must have some origin in real hurt, but that she's distorted the facts to serve that hurt.

So, following self-care, I think isilme and flourdust give absolutely the right advice. I'll take it for myself as well.

DB what she is saying about your FOO seems delusional, but consider the possibility of projection.

I think some pwBPD struggle with a sense of shame about their behavior. They are aware of it in some sense, but the shame is painful to the point where I think their minds deal with it by projecting or rewriting history, or trying to magically erase it by doing something good " see I am not that bad" which doesn't address the problem.

Considering projection- what she is saying about your FOO is possibly her fears about herself. She perceives this as coming from them.

Fears:

I am an unfit mother and a bad person, and my H thinks so too.
My H wants to divorce me and obtain full custody of our daughter
If this happens, it will destroy my life


Rather than make this about you or your FOO ( and that would amount to JADE) or validate what isn't true ( your FOO is not out to get her) consider having her express her feelings, knowing that in her language, the feelings are coming from someone or something else ( when they are her feelings)

Gosh honey, that sounds scary.
I'd feel bad if I thought that too.
It must feel scary to think people are doing that.

I also think boundaries on this is a good suggestion. It would be hard to listen to this for a long time, but try to validate the feeling, not the facts she presents.