BPDFamily.com

Hi, My 34 yr old daughter was first diagnosed with anxiety, depression at age 18. She developed an eating disorder, diagnosed with bipolar and BPD and has been in therapy and on medication for 15 years. Hospitalized, residential treatment. She is married but the marriage is crumbling and she is about to re-enter residential ED treatment again. We recently told her that she will not be able to move back home when her husband has had enough. This caused her to become angry and threaten suicide. My husband and I both feel that we don't want to live with her ever again. However the thought of her being homeless is hard to swallow. Not sure how to handle her threats or this constant knot in my stomach waiting for the next bomb to drop. Help!

Hello, Tangle, and welcome on board!

Wow!  Indeed, a real dilemma for you and your husband.   I can well understand when you write that neither of you want to live with her again.  The writing is on the wall.  Meanwhile you are feeling trapped with the possibility that she will become homeless... .is threatening self harm.

Gotta say... .your comment... ."this constant knot in my stomach waiting for the next bomb to drop" ... .resonates with me.  That has been our life with our daughter, too... .for many years.

Have you and your husband ever gone to counselling for yourselves... .had a talk with a professional on how to better deal with your daughter?  Having a "sounding board" ... .especially someone who is familiar with BPD behaviours... .can help walk you through decisions.

Hope to hear more from you, Tangle.  There are no immediate answers... .but there is support here as you go through this mine-field.  I have found it so helpful to put fingers-to-keyboard at times and just pour out my heart.

From one Mom to another... .a hug.

Hi Tangle,
Welcome!  I am a newbie myself and have found it both helpful and comforting to realize that I'm not alone.  There was a lot in your post that I can relate to.  I have a 39 yr old daughter who has wreaked havoc on my life.  There is no other family - her father has been uncaring and had already cut her out of his life years before her BPD diagnosis.  She has a considerable number of serious health issues, both psych and medical.  She will soon undergo her third kidney surgery, has a very rare degenerative genetic disorder which she was born with.  She has also had nearly fatal anorexia and that only part of the history. 

After the years of stress, the begining of this year brought me to the end of my rope.  I had to come to that place to realize that I had been trying to be the good mother which was actually codependency.  I had to learn that my efforts were doing nothing for her BPD while costing me  dearly,  both emotionally and financially.

If I can offer any encouragement,  it is that you made a good decision not to let her live with you.  My daughter doesn't live with me and its the only thing that kept me relatively sane.  I'm being treated for depression, PTSD and anxiety as a result the high level of stress I've endured.  It's essential that we mothers take care of ourselves.  I'm 74 and studies of stress levels have shown that high levels  lead to earlier deaths.  I sympathize  with you situation.

KCat

Hi Tangle,
I fully understand where you are coming from. I am in the same situation with my 32 year old BPD daughter. She is also a heroin addict. It has been hell for the last 15 years. She has not lived with me or her mother (we are divorced) but has been supported by us with paying for grad school (she just dropped out) as well as a house that was rented for her (she was to help with rent but never did much at all). With her most recent relapse her mother and I saw a therapist and we both were told not to support her in anyway, any more. Supposedly she said she is now "clean" a few days ago but we think she is on Methadone. We have little contact with her but when she recently told us that she was now "clean" we suspect she was looking for more help with paying her rent. We stopped paying her rent as of November 1. She is soon to be evicted. She cannot come back to our houses. She is asking us what is she supposed to do and where can she go? This is the hardest thing we have ever done but we are letting her figure this out for herself. It pains me every day not knowing where she will live but she is 32 years old and needs to take care of herself. I want her to go to detox (not sure if she can now that she is on methadone).  I know they would find housing for her but our therapist states we cannot suggest anything because she needs to hit rock bottom from the addiction. This means she may be homeless (we did tell her of a shelter she could go to). This is not where any of us wanted to be in our lives with our children but we need to start taking care of ourselves. Our daughters are no longer children and they need to be responsible for themselves. The instability of the situation worries me to death as it does you but if we continue to bail them out the chaos will only continue. My daughter is not married and has no children (this is a blessing to me). I have a healthy son who is happily married and they are expecting their first child (this is even a bigger blessing to me).
I would see a therapist to advise you. My ex wife and I meet with ours weekly and this has been such a help. She is like a coach who reinforces what we need to be doing (letting her figure this out). I have always been a saver and fixer and doing what we are doing now is the hardest thing I have ever done but I know deep down it is the right thing. I am hoping she will get a job, take care of herself and move forward (and stay sober). She wants nothing to do with me right now and simply lashes out when I ever get a text. This has been going on for the last year. My dream is she will come to therapy with us but again she has to want things different. We cannot control how or what a BPD feels or does. It is futile. Only they can change their behavior.

Jones54, it is so interesting to read the posts you have written in response to both Tangle (":)aughter 34 years old with BPD" and Beady ("holidays?).  You write as a parent who has had to come to the point where difficult... .DIFFICULT!... .decisions have had to be made.  My heart goes out to you... .and to your wife.

You write that you and your wife are separated/divorced yet the two of you are banding together to deal with this child you brought into the world.  Commendable to say the least.  So many times we read of how problems are compounded because parents are at odds... .their offspring soon picking up on that... .working those dynamics into their own agenda.  Of course, all situations are different... .not always a possibility.

You write that you and your ex meet regularly with a therapist... .a much-needed sounding-board/support who is helping you along on this journey.  Sadly, for one reason or another, that wonderful opportunity is not there for every parent... .but I am glad it is there for you and I encourage others to look for that support for themselves.

"We cannot control how or what a BPD feels or does... .only they can change their behaviour."  That is your quote... .and so true.  The only one we can change is ourselves... .with the hope the change in us will have a good effect on our troubled child... .maybe... .but... .maybe not.

You mention "The Prayer of Serenity"... .a mantra I sometimes remember to use when I am down... .the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... .courage to change the things I can... .wisdom to know the difference.  Such a peace filled prayer if you concentrate on the words!  I will also add... ."confidence"... .being confident in knowing that, along the way, you did the best you could... .did better when you knew better... .and will continue to do so.  No guilt trips that only help to weigh a person down!

Nope, none of us participating on this forum expected this would be in our futures... .but precious time is wasted if we dwell on the dreams of what-could-have-been-and-isn't.  I have gradually learned to "compartmentalize".  The daughter I so love will always be in one compartment and I will deal with that when needed.  I am in another compartment... .just as important... .just as much in need.

This holiday may not have the "Hallmark stamp of approval" for all of us but hopefully each will find some snippets of joy... .something/anything to bring a smile to the face.  Takes work but oh so rewarding when it happens.

Thanks Huat for such kind words of support. Sometimes I think I am at my wits end (maybe I am). I like how you say that you compartmentalize. I think I need to do more of that. Put my daughter's issues in another spot and take them out when I need to instead of focusing on them 24/7. Thanks. The most important thing I need to do is change. This is the first true change for us in our are stepping back. It is the scariest thing to do but know it is necessary. I have 100% faith in God that He will take care of her. That is the biggest comfort that I have right now.
Again thanks.