BPDFamily.com

Hi all! I wanted to find some support as I go through a lot of different things and deal with my Mother’s tendencies. I’m 26 living at home, I have a great job that sometimes is an escape from home. I’m severely sick and partially disabled from chronic illness and chronic pain. How this work at home is that I feel like I have to explain what I feel and that it’s all the time to my Mother at least once a month and within two days she’s completely forgotten about my illness and pain. This week is a good starting point to understand my home life. For the record. I’m not moving out and I’m not cutting her off. She’s my Mom and I love her endlessly even if at times she can’t see that, I can’t affrd to live elsewhere and I have no intention of leaving. Anyway, Monday morning I woke up and as I was going into work late that day, I needed to spend sometime saving energy for working- chronic fatigue is so bad I have to go to a hair salon every week and have them wash my hair for me. Mom failed on me for hours about how ‘disgusting’ I was and how ‘disgusting’ my bedroom was and why didn’t I clean it and blah blah blah. Yesterday, I was home all day working on a side job and she was a completely different person. Laughing and joking, asking me to go with her places, wanting my input buying me lunch, it was my Mom. Today she had another mood swing all morning it was why don’t you clean your dishes when you’re done with them, why am I always picking up after you, I’m not your maid... .I had made noodles the night before, left the pan overnight and had just been in the kitchen to clean it - if I don’t clean a dish within 30 minutes of eating, I’m a worthless slob that doesn’t help out around here. I know she’s emotionally abusive. I just don’t know how to deal with that , life skills to work with it and remember it’s a mental illness for her and it’s not me failing as a person everyday.

Thanks for listening.

Has she always been like this,  or did it change with age?

Hi misschai

Dealing with a parent with such mood swings can be quite taxing and also confusing, especially since you also have your own physical problems to deal with.

Has your mom perhaps ever been diagnosed with any kind of mental, emotional and/or behavioral disorder? Do you feel like she acknowledges any of her issues, has she ever shown any insight into her own behavior?

Take care and welcome to our online community

The Board Parrot (I'm a friend of the wolf :) )

Hi misschai,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all of this--it does sound like you have a lot going on. I'm glad you've reached out to us, though, as you'll find there's always someone here to listen.   Many of us here (including me) grew up with BPD parents and know that it can be very draining living with a loved one with BPD.

The insults and moods are painful for sure. Even though your mom has BPD, it doesn't make her behavior any less hurtful to you or justify name calling and emotional abuse.

Turkish and Kwamina have asked some good questions, and I'm curious to know the answers as well.  Keep posting; you're not alone.

Hi all thanks for the replies I’m sorry about not getting back to you all right away. Turkish - I think in a away she has always been like this, I remember being very young and wondering why all the other Mom’s really helped their kids and did things that if I asked for my Mom would say was selfish, and I should learn to do things on my own. Mom’s of other kids around me were less critical of their kids. Though I do believe her anxiety has gotten worse as she ages. She’s scared to go places by herself now and worries more now about what people are going to think of her much more now then I remember when I was younger.
Kwamina - I personally went to therapy for about a year to learn how to deal with he, because I couldn’t figure it out, through these sessions and with the things I was getting help on the psychiatrist diagnosed her with Borderline Personality Disorder. Mom won’t acknowledge anything and revolts at my wishes for her to go into therapy. She doesn’t know what she is doing at all.

Thanks you guys for the messages and I will continue posting. I’m at a loss sometimes.

While criticism isn't a diagnostic criterion,  it does seem to be a common behavior of people with BPD traits.  I think that in some cases it may be Projection,  but maybe overall the lack of empathy; that is,  being unable to understand the feelings of someone else from that person's point of view. 

My ex was like this,  but she'd often apologize.  But then nothing changed overall. 

We have communication tools which can help you form a Teflon shield.  I'm not saying these are magic,  but they can help change the dynamic.  Assume she won't change on her side,  so it's up to you. Try on something different. 

It will be difficult living under her roof as that gives her an implicit power in her mind. 

This article on boundaries might be a good place to start: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

After reading it (and the discussion at the "Read More" link at the end) what kinds of boundaries can you think of that would help you?

T

Hi all!

Turkish I’m on my way to reading the link you supplied right now. I just wanted to reach out with what is going on yesterday and today. Tonight is my workplace Christmas Party. An event my mother has only known about for the last maybe 72 hours. Yesterday in terms of my health was awful. I barely made it trough the day. I have been in so much pain. After spending the day crying in between customers, I decided that staying up and making French Silk pie for the party wasn’t a really good idea, that I would make it later in the week and bring it into work. Mom came home after I did and got really upset and mad that I wasn’t making the pies and when I calmly explained that because of the pain I’m in and how I’ve been feeling the past couple days that I didn’t know yet if I was going to the party or not she was really angry. Told me I always come up with an excuse not to go to places(?) and if I can be in pain here why can’t I be in pain there. Friends, my illness is a lot like having the worst flu you can imagine all the time 24/7. I’ve explained this over and over again to my mother but I’m growing tired of having to explain something every 2 days. I don’t know what say to her. This party literally doesn’t effect her in anyway at all!