BPDFamily.com

hello everyone, i am an adoptive parent of a 20 year old girl who has been diagnosed with adhd, complex ptsd, anxiety and depression. She has classic BPD symptoms but I'm not sure anyone would diagnose her with that given her complex PTSD. At some point it doesn't matter what the diagnosis is, it's the symptoms.

She was our foster daughter at age 16 and we adopted her at 17. She came to us with no ability to put herself in other's shoes if she was in a conflict with them. We had many horrible blow outs and have slowly through many crises built trust with her. She is now able to quickly recover most of the time and understand that she is misinterpreting what we are saying, that we do have her best interest at heart. I believe her father and I are the only ones she is able to do that with. It has been very difficult to reach that point and I am very proud of her for getting to that point with us.

This past year has been very difficult. She was arrested, she was homeless, for a while I was convinced she was addicted to meth (she was not but her bio mom told me she was - totally separate issue there).  She has repeatedly disappeared for a month a time with no way of getting a hold of her. She has an apartment in a nearby town to us that we pay out of the adoption assistance check we receive until she is 21. She doesn't really work, although she periodically is a stripper. She has intense volatile relationships with older men. The last few have been alcoholics or addicts of some sort, and their relationships are extremely codependent.

My husband and I had to postpone our anniversary vacation we had been planning for some time earlier this year when she was arrested. She was arrested for attacking her (horrible) bio mom. Her bio mom being horrible doesn't make it right but it was easy to see why it happened, given their awful history. We chose to let her move home with us provided she met our rules. She did not, and we had to move her out a couple of months later. That was very difficult but we proved to her that we weren't abandoning her, that we just couldn't have her living with us anymore. We have maintained a good relationship with her.

She was admitted to psychiatric inpatient for a week a couple of months ago when she was suicidal. She has been sporadically taking her meds, which is actually a huge deal because she absolutely refused any meds prior to this. She still struggles and won't find a therapist. She is terrified of being alone and thus moves from one disfunctional friendship/relationship to the next.  We have set very strict boundaries with her since we moved her out. We don't lend her money, I don't bail her out of crises or help her do things she doesn't want to do for herself (such as replacing her lost social security card). We have been establishing that we are not capable of being her only support system, and that she needs professionals for that.

Our rescheduled anniversary trip is in 2 weeks, and it's out of the country. I am getting really nervous about what is going to happen leading up to that and while we are gone. We will not cancel our trip or return early under any circumstances, but it is still very stressful. She was very upset that we didn't spend all day on thanksgiving with her and she was alone for part of the day. We will be gone on Christmas and New Years.  We haven't been letting her come visit our home because she regresses incredibly when she is here; she wants to be taken care of and I have had to almost scream at her to get her our of the house when it is time for her to go home.  I feel bad but I believe it is necessary. I have a therapist who has treated BPD patients throughout her career, which is very helpful and reinforces my decisions and boundaries.

I am here to get support and have a place to vent. I am so worried about her melting down right before we leave. I will remind her that this is occurring now because we postponed our original trip, but however good I get at setting boundaries  and validating her feelings it is still very difficult to see her in pain and know that she feels abandoned.

Hello Hyacinth Bucket!

First of all, how can anyone in-the-know not smile  :) when they see the moniker you have chosen? One thing it does say to me is that beneath all this drama/turmoil in your life, there lurks a sense of humour.   Humour has pulled me through so, so much during my life and I'm thinking it may be the case for you, too.

Needless to say, Hyacinth, your story is a jaw-dropper.  Most of us on this forum are dealing with children we have brought into the world.  You and your husband have taken on a needy, troubled soul and made her your own.  God bless you!  Reading between the lines, sounds like this girl had a very dysfunctional history and that probably helped get her to where she is today. 

In what I have read in your post, seems you are doing all the right things... .mainly setting well-thought-out boundaries and sticking to them. 

It is so difficult to watch as our children make decisions that we just know will further harm them... .causing even more problems.   If we continue to try to "save" them from everything, though, lessons aren't learned.  (Easier said than done, huh?)

I am so glad that you found us and have shared your story.  I think it is important for you to put those fingers on the keyboard and pour out your heart.  As confident as you are, you are needing validation to keep you going... .and you sure are getting it from me!

That anniversary trip of yours is important, too.  You can't let yourself be held prisoner... .can't let your daughter see that she has that power over you.  Do you have other means of support (family or friends) who are able to keep her in their radar while you are gone?

Hoping to hear more from you, Hyacinth Bucket.  Keep "venting" (as you call it).  Also, I think you will have a lot to offer in the way of support to others who show up here.

Happy Anniversary!

EXTREMELY high chance of meltdown just before or after you go her abandonment fears will skyrocket, a plan to contact her every day at a set time some random sending of flowers or postcards to let her know you haven't forgotten her etc etc , you really cannot go ott here.

And she will feign it is not important or necessary because it will make her seem vulnerable, ignore that.

Thank you so much for the warm welcome! It means so much to me. I'm so glad someone got the reference  and yes, humor is one of the only ways I drag through some days. 

She did have an exceptionally dysfunctional history, and we have made real strides toward normalcy with her. For the longest time it was 1 step forward, 2 or 3 steps back. Right now it feels like we are closer to 1 step forward, 1 step back, so at least we aren't moving backward!

I am very happy to have found this forum. thanks so much.

I was thinking of sending flowers, too, that's a great idea. We are having a big celebration with her before we leave, so hopefully that will help too. I am planning to tell her I will contact her every day - her issue is that she has lost FIVE phones and doesn't currently have one. I gave her a  tablet and she has wifi so she has the ability to contact me through chat or even google voice, but  she rarely charges it! our communication is fairly one-way - it's almost impossible for me to get a hold of her. It has been improving, though, and I thank her profusely whenever she calls to just check in, and she's starting to get it. One time I called the strip club where she works and told them to have her call her mom. She thought it was funny but she had called really upset and then i didn't hear from her for like 10 days, and given the quality of people she hangs out with I periodically wonder if she's dead!  Oh right, the reason I thought she might be dead is because some guy had been stalking her, and she had lost her apartment key and was leaving her door unlocked all the time! so when she said she thought it was funny i thought she might be dead, i told her, well, here's why it's  not unreasonable. I got through at least half way haha.  sigh.

My best friend offered to have her fly out and visit for Christmas, but my husband thinks that would be a disaster. My best friend has had a lot of personal issues lately, and has a somewhat similar background to my daughter's. However my friend is very withdrawn and hermit-y whereas my daughter is glued to people constantly. So I am on the fence about that one. I also have very little faith that my daughter could manage the logistics of getting herself to the airport on time as it would require 2 ubers and a train... .

Hmm yes, I have a stepdaughter i have raised ( by myself mostly ) with BPD too, the phone losing is probably unconsciously deliberate, so it's a tool to keep you there/guilt trip.

Not easy to get around because i'm thinking she doesn't want you to go.

You might be reaching one of those line in the sand moments, if she starts dysregulating they can be very hard to manage good luck and my best wishes.

Hi hyacinth bouquet  

Welcome to the community, I wanted to say hi there  

Bless you and your husband for adopting your daughter, for lovingly standing strong for her and pushing through, step by step.

Great idea SlyQQ, ways to keep communication going, you have and are thinking of her. Perhaps a small food parcel, posted by your friend, always welcomed by students and like to keep them grounded, tummies full  :)

Like you we've done the 2 steps forwards, 3 back, 1 forward, 1 back, 1 back ... .we are on an even keel now, keep going HB. I call them sliding doors as these steps often happen at the same time and it can be difficult to realise I was moving forwards, despite the back steps.

WDx

Hyacinth it is spooky, my stepdaughter is twenty, hangs out with many unsavoury types, and was an exotic dancer,
when she was 18 - no longer- posted a thread here on that a couple years back when it happened.

Very high proportion of exotic dancers have BPD if you didn't know , if you ever want to compare notes pm me,
keep well.

heres the link to the exotic dancing thread you might find it useful

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271913.0