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Title: Seperated and afraid of going back Post by: Time63 on December 09, 2017, 02:19:34 PM I am currently 4 months into a separation from my BPD partner of 13 years. I know most of the traits and issues that make it so I can't stay in this relationship and take good care of myself. Then we have a good talk or laugh and I miss her. I keep reminding myself that the "good times" are small % of the relationship, but I worry about being able to keep my boundaries.
1 month into the separation I told her it was over. I had rehearsed my line many times and after Hello I said it really quickly (to make sure I said it at all). And then the talk began and over an hour later I had agreed to separating all of our assets and living separately, then we would date and see if there was a chance. She is just sure that she is now aware of so many things she expected me to fix for her that she should have been addressing herself. Now,I know that awareness is only 1 small step towards changed behavior but I still hangout hoping that maybe... . Title: Re: Seperated and afraid of going back Post by: Radcliff on December 09, 2017, 04:35:25 PM Hello Time63, welcome to the boards! This is a great place to build your knowledge and skills so that you are able to either maintain the distance or reconcile in a way that works for both of you. Take a look at the resources to the right. Dive in and learn as much as you can.
I can relate how a simple point you are trying to make can turn into an hour long or hours long conversation! Our pwBPD have ways of sucking us in. It's almost like magic. And we go right along! To learn more about boundaries, you might want to visit this page on setting boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries), this thread on scripts for setting boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=94125.20), and this thread on boundary setting examples (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368). Have you read any books about BPD? One good thing to do during a separation is to make a list of what you want in a long term relationship. Perhaps two lists -- one for "must haves" and another for "nice to haves." Keep it on your phone, and add to it over the days and weeks as you think of something. This exercise is good for at least three reasons. First, it helps you capture over time a list of what you need/want, and you may not have allowed yourself to think of those things. Second, it lets you start thinking of yourself as someone who deserves a relationship with those traits. Third, it gives you something to measure any progress with your partner against, or to measure any potential future relationships. In the four months that you've been separated, what insights have you gained that you were having a hard time seeing when you were in the thick of it? WW Title: Re: Seperated and afraid of going back Post by: pearlsw on December 10, 2017, 02:11:11 PM Hi Time63,
May I ask more about your separation? How are you feeling at this stage? Is there a plan in place for it - like it is six month thing and then reevaluate? Any idea how long it will last? Do you spend anytime together? In what ways do you communicate? wishing you well, pearlsw. |