BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone,

I would like to know if someone's 14 year old is going through with BPD and how they are dealing with it.  Please share your experiences.

Thanks

Charu

Hi BPDfreca.

My 14-year-old daughter, while not officially diagnosed with BPD, displays nearly all of the symptoms. She came home from school 7 months ago with the disturbing confession that, "I feel like I want to hurt myself." Since then, her suicidal ideation and self-harm have been constants in her life. She has been in and out of hospitals and day treatment programs and had to withdraw from high school (she's starting cyber school on Monday). All of this hit us like a ton of bricks. We were completely unprepared for it and have slowly come to grips with this new reality of ours.

We try to deal with the heartbreak and distress in a number of ways. First, my husband and I are adamant about putting our daughter in the best position possible to succeed in life. We've lined up multiple therapists, are looking into family-based medical assistance services, and have our daughter scheduled to begin a long-term DBT program next month. We also try and encourage her interests. She loves animals and music so every weekend, we're either volunteering at a cat rescue, walking dogs, or researching upcoming concerts.

As for me, I started seeing a therapist and I talk openly with friends and family about what's going on. It helps. I also try and celebrate the "normal" moments that I experience with my daughter. For instance, today it snowed and I convinced my daughter and her older sister to go sledding with me. It didn't last long but there was a moment when we were walking back from sledding and we saw about 9 deer running by. We just stood there and marveled at the deer. At that moment, things were really good.

My husband has been very helpful because he's much more patient and level-headed than I am. He doesn't allow his emotions to get tied up with hers. I try to follow his lead.

I hope this helps somewhat. Seeing your child suffer is devastating. But I have to believe that a younger person stands a good chance of overcoming severe emotional problems, given time and the right treatment. Just keep loving your child, celebrating the little moments with them, and taking the time to look after yourself.

Best of luck to you!

Hi BPDfreca,

Although we didn't adopt my daughter until she was older, I met her when she was 15 and I was volunteering. She went through more than a dozen foster homes in a couple of years, and 14-15 was when her symptoms started getting bad. I watched in horror as foster parent after foster parent reacted in the worst ways possible to her, making it continually worse.

I cannot stress the importance of validating their feelings enough. These kids expect you to react a certain way, and when you don't, it can go a long way to diffusing the situation. I recommend you read the TOOLS section of this site if you haven't already. But the worst thing you can do is invalidate their feelings, which (I speak from experience) it is very easy to do even unintentionally because what they are saying is often SO ridiculous. You have to ignore what they are saying and get at the meat of how they are feeling. If they're ranting about something someone did to them, just saying something like "you must feel so frustrated and upset." can go a long way.

The second worst thing you can do is argue with them. Again, what they are ranting about is likely complete nonsense. Trying to point out why what they're saying is wrong in the moment accomplishes nothing. If they're mad at you because you won't let them do something, you can simply keep saying "i understand what you're saying, AND my answer is still no."

My therapist (who has years of experience with DBT) taught me that saying that, and putting your hand up in a stop motion close to your chest (in a non-threatening way) can go a long way to shutting the argument down. Try practicing it by yourself. "I understand how you feel, and my answer is still no." It really works.

I hope that helps a little bit. Definitely get yourself a therapist experienced with BPD. There is a good book on BPD in adolescents, too. If you can find a way to stop reacting to them in a way that fuels them, it is very possible to stop the cycle and reconnect. It took us a couple of years to figure it out with our daughter but we are in a much better place now with her.

If your child keeps getting worse even with all of this and him in DBT, you may want to look at in-patient DBT before he turns 18. I think that recognizing it at such a young age, though, there is a lot of hope.