BPDFamily.com

Hello, I need help. My 20 yr old son is destroying my life. His Jekyll
and Hyde personality was triggered by a change in his routine. The
issue is he takes Seraquel to help him sleep (and other things) but
if he goes out with friends and gets home late he takes it much later
like 2 or 3am. Then he can't get up in the morning even by 10 or 11
and his dad (we r divorced) can't wake him up. When he does wake
up he is screaming mad, blaming his dad for not waking him tho his
dad tried many times. He accepts no responsibility for it and goes
Into full blown anger, very abusive verbal language, suicidal ideation
and threatening behavior. Extremely confrontational about every
word said to him. He is home from college on a medical withdrawal
as depression and anxiety overwhelmed him there. He normally stays
on a healthy diet and routine, going to the gym 2x a day on his own
seeing new therapist he likes 1x a week. He did a DBT group 2 years
ago before college and it really helped him a lot he admits but it was
a very tough long commute and I had to force him to go. He is glad
He did it tho. Has anyone had good results with individual DBT or
other nongroup therapies? Is a group setting better? Any ideas on
the Seraquel? It's usually only weekends he's out with friends and
we are glad he has a social life but not if it ruins his routine. He does
not drink or do drugs since late Sept. 2017, no caffeine either; he
sticks to a very healthy lifestyle. He lets me be involved with his
Healthcare but then blames me for not doing enough to help him
feel better. This is so hard, his dad and I are often hopeless and
feel helpless. Since 2013 he was diagnosed with bipolar ll depressive
Type then BPD was added in 2015 but no discussion of it or a different
Treatment. That doctor gone as are at least a dozen or more who my
son has seen since 5 yrs of age when suicidal ideation first set in.
After 3 recent hospitalizations, his dad and I are exhausted. We cant
take much more. Things seem better for awhile and then a really bad
day or 2 and we are devastated again. I've never written before and
 Look forward to all replies.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of that. I know how difficult it is. You want more than anything to help your child fix what's wrong with him.

I have really learned the hard way, particularly this past year, that unfortunately at 20 you have no real control over what your son does. My daughter is also 20. We had to move her out of our house because as long as she was here she refused to take responsibility for herself. She regressed for a bit and has had a lot of issues, but my husband and I are doing much better and we still have a strong relationship with our daughter. She has made some strides in being more independent. My therapist keeps telling me that progress is GLACIALLY SLOW with these kids. It helps me to remember that.

It sounds like you have done so much for your son, and he actually does have the tools he needs to continue getting better. At 20 he needs to be finding therapists for himself. It's awesome that he has the self control to eat well and exercise. That is a huge step. My daughter does not possess that yet.

I think what you need to do is build on the skills he has. Tell him that you think he  knows what he needs to do, and that you fully believe in his ability to do it. If you are at your breaking point, which it sounds like you might be, you may need to make living with you contingent on certain things, like him having a therapist that he locates himself. You will need to start setting more boundaries and following through with them to make him more accountable to himself. At 20 you shouldn't be waking your son up. If you're doing it because you can't handle the results if he misses work, or school, or whatever, then it is time for him to move out. I have done so many things for my daughter that I knew she should do herself just to try to maintain my own sanity. But it's enabling and in the end doesn't help them at all. I am on this journey right now, setting boundaries with my daughter and stand by as she makes mistake after mistake. I think the benefit for you is that you hvae a really strong foundation, with your son already having done DBT, so you need to keep building on that, maintain your relationship with him while detaching and letting him take care of himself.

Another thing I would add is that asking him questions will work a lot better than telling him what he needs to do (again, learned the hard way). You can say, it seems like you are feeling upset (Or X emotion), when you were in DBT what did you do that helped? Try to get him to think about his future and what he wants, and the steps he would take to get there.  And keep telling him you are 100% certain that he can do it (even when you aren't!).

Keep posting, it helps! Take care.

Hello Hyacinth bucket, your reply makes a lot of sense and is so rational.  It's very difficult to talk to my son because he immediately gets so upset.  The Seraquel makes it very difficult for him to wake himself up which is why he stopped taking it when he started college. He is not working right now or  going to school but is working on getting healthy and I'm searching for ways to help him do this. I guess I'm afraid of him is part of the problem. He's such an amazing manipulator. The therapist was found through the hospital  as part of the discharge plan and she is really digging into his past which is stirring up a lot of childhood trauma. This is making  Life difficult at home but I understand in the long run it will help him to overcome it but how do we live with him? Your ideas are all good and I hope we can begin to implement them.  I'm just so tired and his dad is having a nervous break down, I don't know how long we can continue.  Thanks for your advice and I'll do the best I can. I feel so in-adequate to face this struggle.

 Hi again, just wondering what type of living situation your daughter is in? Our son has no income and it would be difficult to have him leave And live on his own. He was doing so at college but had to come home because of anxiety and depression. I hope your daughter is doing well and things are going smoothly most of the time. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.

hi Eli,

We are very fortunate in that we adopted our daughter from a state that provides adoption assistance until she is 21 (6 more months). That covers her rent and utilities but she is responsible for feeding herself. She was supposed to apply for food stamps but decided to go back to stripping instead. 

I dread the day she turns 21. I am mentally preparing myself for her to be homeless. We have done everything we can to encourage her to get help, find a job, etc.  But her ability to look more than a couple of days in the future is non existent. 

Is it possible to talk to your son's psychiatrist and find a different medication? Part of the issue too is it sounds like he stays up too late, and being on a reasonable schedule is his responsibility.

We let her come live with us for a couple of months earlier this year when she was arrested (long story). We gave her some really specific boundaries that she needed to follow to live with us. She didn't do ANY of them. The final straw was when she left the front door open and our two dogs escaped. It was a narrowly averted disaster. We told her we can't be responsible for her being so irresponsible. I actually made her pack and took her to a motel by the strip club she works at and left her there, and drove back the next 2 days to help her find an apartment. But again, I am able to pay for that for now out of the adoption assistance.

It's a horrible decision and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies. When she lived with us my husband was practically catatonic he was so stressed and I was starting to have a nervous break down. It really affected us deeply.

Even after moving her out, it was still hard (and I Failed A LOT) to not jump in and help her with things and bail her out of stuff. And she gets herself into some unbelievable predicaments. She went to another state to strip, and ended up homeless and stranded. I told her the only way we would pay for her a bus ticket back to our state is if she went to inpatient care. She finally agreed. That was in September. It's been rocky but manageable since she got out of inpatient. Medication helped for a bit but I have no idea if she's taking it currently. She is having a meltdown right now because my husband and i are taking a long planned, much needed, previously postponed two week trip out of the country in a couple of weeks.

Sorry I started rambling. I guess what I am trying to say is that you have to ultimately decide how much you can handle. You and your husband having a nervous break down isn't going to help your son. In fact (and this is what definitely happened with me) it might increase conflict with your son because you aren't in any state to deal with what he is dishing out. At some point you may have to tell him that he can't live there anymore, he has XX many days (something reasonable), and that you will help him locate living and apply for public assistance if necessary. If that is not an option, and you would like him to continue living with you, then my advice is to do family therapy with the three of you, and work with your husband do devise some house rules that will make your lives easier.

 I understand what you mean when you say you are afraid of him. It didn't start out that way with my daughter but at some point I lost my ability to react rationally to her. It go to the point (and is still often there) where I have panic attacks when I see her number on my phone.  My biggest breakthrough was finding myself a therapist who was very experienced with BPD patients and could give me advice. My second biggest was deciding to never do ANYTHING out of fear, obligation, or guilt. And i have to say that I really feel for you, I really don't think I would be able to do that if my daughter were still living with us. The distance makes it much more manageable.

I'm sorry if when I say your husband it's your son's dad and your ex husband, I think I got confused.

There is a lot to tell so don't worry about rambling, HB. You've been to save your own life and are doing the best you can with your daughter. I too suffer panic attacks and know the dread of my son's calls and texts. You are right, it is his responsibility to do certain things and I really like the idea of family therapy. We've got a ways to go but thank you for pointing out positive things and realistic expectations. I too have a great therapist and can call her in emergencies if needed. My son also is seeing a good therapist too. I wish I could get my exhusband to find a therapist as well but he is having a harder time due to his own health issues.
I hope you and your husband go on that planned getaway and have a great time. I'll be hoping for the best for your family.

Hi Eli,

So happy to see you are up and running!  |iiii

I just wanted to pop in briefly and point out the box (up and) to the right -> each item is a link to more information, click on anything that resonates and read more on that topic.

So glad you've joined the group!  

Panda39