BPDFamily.com

Hello :)
I am not doing too well. I read similar stories, but still I feel no better. I met a girl through my ex gf who was basically on the street and left homeless when my ex gf left the city. I stepped in when I saw she had only drug addict friends to go to and felt a sense of caring and love for her that told me there is no other way than to stay with her 24/7 after seeing she ended up staying with a drug addict twice her age and I moved in there and started paying her rent. Long story short I stopped my life, left my job and got her off drugs for most of our 2.5 year relationship. During this time she was admitted to mental health hospitable and diagnosed with BPD. Only for the psychologist she started seeing switching the diagnosis to Bipolar with which I never agreed. As she was more consistent in her behaviour than being manic, etc.

Either way I fell in love with her over this time sharing so many extreme emotions, physical attacks, losing life long friends in the process. Only to be told after she had to move out due to difficult living arrangements that she quickly moved in with another guy and got a cat which she named after her ex bf before me. She lied to me about the cats name and first said it was named after me, then smilingly told me oh no the cat is actually named after her ex bf me. An ex she told me at the hospital one day she still wants to see when he is around, even though they are no longer intimate. They never even broke up officially, he just left Town and moved back with his parents.

During the course of the relationship she walked out on me countless times (possibly 40+ times) I always ran after her cause it seems if she left me she will go straight back to drugs and go live with drug addicts or continue to sleep with guys for accommodation like she did while living the club life, even ending up on the streets in between.

No matter what I did If I tried to stand up for myself and point out how her behaviour like jumping onto another guy when he makes a sexual reference or allowing other guys to hold her in intimate places she couldn't take my reaction to it and wanted to leave. At the time i met her she allowed guys in general to lick her in her neck and have sex with her in the name of fun / to have a place to stay and who knows what extreme this went to as she combined multiple drugs and alcohol at the same time and was the type to be left at a trance party without a lift as she partied so hard she only thought about that when the music stopped playing.

She was an amazing person with a beautiful heart and in between all the admin and baggage I saw something apart from the pain, the highs she put me on and seeing me and giving me compliments I never received before... .cliche i know. But because of her past (most of which was compulsive lies about having and lost a child, having cancer 3 times and numerous other stories which I still to this day don't know was true. As the versions changed everytime she spoke on the subject again and I have a photographic memory so I never forgot the previous versions. Only that the versions and details didn't add up. I always tried to justify her actions due to her past hurts and got her to eventually go to a psychologist for over a year. It seemed eventually though that she got the psychologist on her side and they were like sisters talking about her past behaviour as a phase. Instead of something serious that needs to be addressed.

I ended up isolating her from her past friends and more and more as my anxiety increased to the point of chronic exhaustion, completely depleting myself from life energy, etc. And due to compulsive lying and my reaction to her trying to possibly telling me the truth added to her lying more and more. To the extent that my mind started malfunctioning in an attempt to figure out the truth from all the lies, based on sensing when things doesn't add up. I also diagnosed myself as being on the Autistic spectrum during this time period so that added to the situation. The lack of intimacy unfortunately made sex the only way to connect and eventually sex became colder and more about me receiving a chemical boost as my dopamine was completely depleted and I sensed this sexual experience of her on a level, but she never spoke about it openly and pretended to be much more inexperienced. She told me when upset what sexual things she will do with other guys without protection, but then limited me to not allow me those experiences with her or only allowed it once or twice. And it made me feel so out of control as I had these visions (being OCD) repeatedly playing in my head of the stuff she told me she will do with other guys, yet limiting me in that way. So our sex went from an hour at a time to random 5 minute quickies as I felt so disconnected and the experience felt so empty that there was only a goal of releasing in mind and perhaps a futile attempt at connecting.

She started holding these things against me and never wanted to discuss anything of a sexual nature and leave it in the air. So it could never be discussed, same as everything else that involved any notion of truth or intimacy.

After 2.5 years of consistent rollercoasters and me trying to build a new life step by step and talking about buidling a foundation of truth. She started giving me silent treatment more and more and eventually started leaking thoughts out like she's getting older and has things to do. I thought she was in a hurry with all her issues and lack of any foundation wanting to pursue a career as a singer, etc. I wanted her to first build something solid and move slowly.

Afterwards she told me things like she will use sex to get what she wants, and started working at a dodgy place with dead animals with multiple heads, and public tattoos being done, black crows, and snakes on the wall. It just felt like a bad place next to a strip club. This made me stress as she worked in a stripclub already before I met her and this was the kind of life I wanted to avoid her from leading. She was supposed to go for an interview at this place with many perks like clothing,etc. And would hear from the manager the next week. She showed me the e-mail communication between them and they spoke about "adventures" being the best "experiences". After a 2 - 3  hour "interview" she suddenly had the job and started the next day. When I asked her why the sudden change as the guy was going to interview many people and let her know the next week something had to convince him otherwise. And my OCD thoughts starting thinking she offered him a sexual favour of some kind. I'm naive probably as these things probably happen more than I realize. And she told me those type of things happen often a few weeks before. At trance parties, in exchange for drugs, alcohol, jobs.

It's all pretty much a nightmare to me. I found her after we broke up with 2 different drugs. And she started sabotaging me from making progress with anything productive that took attention away from her, to the extent that she would even hide what I was busy with. I found make up and teacher type reading glasses in her stuff (she doesn't wear make up, or glasses) she told me it belongs to her cousin. But it's the type of setup a stripper or escort could use as another persona. The naughty teacher type.

If she is with another guy and got a cat and lives with him I suppose I should be happier than the lifestyle she lived in the past. She told me she doesn't lie to him as he doesn't react the way I do. She still made contact with me from time to time since, but all on her terms. And short notice where I have to travel 50 km's to see her and then makes me wait for 30 minutes at a time. One day she came out with something resembling white stuff on her lips and below. Knowing he was in the house according to her, even though another guy just left the house she came out of. I asked her what it is referencing jizz and she said why would it be she doesn't like to give oral... but she still gave it to me often in the beginning willingly when she wanted something otherwise I had to ask and made me feel guilty for asking as if she didn't want to give it. And it made me sick how she could possibly lie to me about this while looking in my eyes.

She made up this long story of how she was seeing a girl that was living there. Then eventually how he visits there, but doesn't sleep over - when one day the stories didn't add up she told me the girl lives there with him, but she is going to move out and it's his sister. And that she's been with the girl and will eventually be with him and start sleeping in his bed when she left. She stuck to this story no matter what although my logic tells me that she probably tried to save my feelings a little by delaying the truth so I don't realize she was able to move on so quickly. In the beginning she told me she wanted to still see me and have both of these relationships at the same time. But it was so draining and all on her terms. I would drive 50 km's to see her then we'll start a fight over the phone or sms or I would freak out about something and she would just not see me after I drove all the way.

The last time she did it I freaked out about the last minute notice and she just put down the phone in my ear. I still drove the 50 km, and she just told me she loft already and is with him.

During the last stages of our interactions she made me out to be just another horny guy from her past and everything we went through and shared and living together 24/7 for 2.5 years that it was all nothing. And how she's tired of all these guys. As if I'm included as being nothing. Sex was the only way I could try and connect through all the lies and silent treatment. Since that day I freaked out again being hurt, sending countless texts and emails and told her she must leave me alone for a while as her contact is only on her terms the whole time and it hurts me. Since then she ignored me, didn't wish me for my birthday and ignored my birthday wishes I sent her and tonight I was angry and hurt by that so I typed emails and stuff again.

I'm stuck, it's been 5 months or something since she moved out. I don't want to take anxiety medication, but often think about suicide as a way out of my mind. I don't want to be dependent on pills and being on the Austistic spectrum (Aspie) it's not a long term solution as my life and chance of future relationships are challenging to say the least. I left a good paying job 5 years ago for a girl that convinced me it's a viable option to go to her country and visit her. Since then I got into a new industry and gave that up due to the extra stress this relationship caused and feel unable due to my anxiety which turned into chronic fatigue and extreme depression and hopelessness, constant negativity and just not agreeing with what people have to do to earn a living and the moral costs to pay. I seem to be rejected by females and people in general as a result of the Asperger traits of coming across as socially ackward, even though I was very good in a customer service role. As long as I played a role, but it doesn't come natural and I'm drained from trying to play a role and pretend. I'm just so tired.

But I still reach out to this girl and think she might be like a succubus / sexual demon type energy judged by the hold she has on me and the effects she had on me. I don't know what to do, but suicide by hanging seems like the most viable option going forward. I went home with a girl the other night, only to be asked to leave cause I suggested we lay together naked. I say waay too much, it probably would've happened anyway if I played it cool, but my mind is just out of control as far as regulating words having no filter and I got into a fight the other night - being hit by someone I can't even remember who it was. I have trouble dealing with my emotions and the way I express anger probably pushed my ex's away also as I show emotion through verbally expression my hurt like a mirror as to how it made me feel when my ex jumped onto a guy,  and her general behaviour in that sense. It strange though as I broke up with a girl who licked my friends when I was a teenager, but the older I get the more "understanding" I tried to become as to why a girl will do that cause of her past sexual abuse issues, etc. And maybe the older I get the more desperate, but can't allow a girl / woman to just do whatever they want at my emotional cost either... .help?

The worst part is how she always claimed change freaks her out and how things need to remain the same. That is exactly what I tried to give her by simplifying everything and staying by her side no matter what happened or how many times she physically hit me or hurt me emotionally. Now I am struggling with the change and fact that she is no longer by my side while she is sleeping with another many and probably many others since.

I played role of Dr, father, boyfriend, shrink, but I guess friend and bf started taking a back seat eventually. And she created all of it. Always needing medication making me spend a lot of money on pain medication and all the symptoms she experienced. Always reading up, trying to help her with her addictions, issues, spending issues. ETC. She even took my card and bought drugs with it without my knowing in the beginning and I worked through all of it. Her appearance improved 500% since I met her. She picked up healthy weight, and started to look healthy. Only to use me as a crutch and jump to the next one. She always ran when emotions got involved, but I stuck around consistently the longest and now it seems the new younger version of me who is stable with a job and a house is reaping all the benefits of her new truth telling self. And I'm left stuck in F(*&(* limbo.

You have clearly gone through a great deal of confusion and pain, those two things often compound each other.

Whatever her diagnosis (it does not really matter) you must accept that this woman is so confused and lost over her own identity that she is incapable of the kind of stability you need from a relationship. I think it's fair to say that the lack of a stable identity, the lack of a sense of self, makes any lasting relationship impossible.

You have tried to support her and 'save' her, the latter was not in your control and thinking that you could do so was a mistake. They can be very good at offering you the role of knight in shining armour, only to abandon you for another. I had the same.

You have to look at yourself, and accept that getting involved with someone so chaotic was never in your interests. The red flags and warnings, why did you ignore them?

I am very sorry for the pain you feel, it will get easier, but it only becomes manageable once you start recognising the parts of yourself that led you into this mess. Honesty, acceptance and growth, these are the tools that will rebuild you stronger.

I send you my best

Hi, Thank you for your response. Why did I ignore the red flags and warnings... .? I saw it as consequences of her past and wanted to give something that doesn't change the hole time as that's what she said she needed. Along the way I became less of myself and in the end she viewed me as another ex that wanted sex. But alas this is not the first time I ignore the signs. I dated a German girl who went on a blind date while dating me and saw her ex most likely romantically also while I was pushed aside for a few weeks. I left a good job and went to Europe, never really got back on the financial wagon after that. Love is blind they say... .

I'm trying to focus and recognize the parts of myself that got me into it and diagnosed myself as being on the Autistic spectrum (Aspergers) which means I trust the words people say and take it up as truth and are willing to change my life to accommodate their pain and needs at my own detriment. Emotions on the sleeve completely.

To be honest, people with autism or Asperger's rarely diagnose themselves, I've worked with them for years. You sound like you're trying very very hard to understand what just happened, and being equally hard on yourself.

I also ignored the warnings, because I also felt I could be the decent stable thing that gave her security, but the old saying is true: you can't help someone that won't help themselves.

It sounds incredibly chaotic what you have been through, and clearly you are blaming yourself. A big part of healing from this is forgiving yourself, you must do that. Trusting and wanting to help are not bad things, and they are not the actions of people on the autistic spectrum exclusively, they can just be the actions of people who want to trust.

I would advise you to seek some councilling, you have experienced psychological and emotional trauma and for your own health some support would be wise.

Use this place to sound off. What you have been through is echoed on this forum,  but it does sound as if a lot of what this woman does is influenced by heavy drug dependence. That can be a sign of BPD, but it is also a symptom of many other things.

Forgive yourself my friend

It's been one of the hardests few years of my life investing so much of my life energy only for her to move on when she got "bored" of the situation. During these times of intense stress and lowest of lows and feedback from having someone who I spent 24 hours a day with I started watching Youtube videos of people with Aspergers after reading on and off and I found that many people relate as I do to Aspergers and it just explains so many unexplainable things from the past. Social isolation eventually as a result of anxiety from social situations from Extrovert to introvert eventually.

My social 'skills' has always been off in a way. I stare at people in public and so I did in school. I derail conversations once something in another conversation triggers something I know something about. I have been told this by a close friend. I don't give others chance to speak and talk like a flash flood about topics on my mind or my views. I associate this with ADHD and being a verbal thinker. So by talking it also stimulates the brain as it helps to concentrate as I hear it out loud and words are the thoughts in audible format. I found that many people on the Asperger side of things had to "diagnose" themselves due to lack of support during school / after school environment - simply needing to earn a living and such. I notice looking back when I had a stable job and so on I lived a largely solitary lifestyle, apart from some classes, activities or when I had a long term gf. I enjoyed my own routine and planning for my next day, having things the same. Same breakfast, same routines, etc. All well known to provide comfort for those on the spectrum.


Counciling is quite expensive not really working or having medical aid currently. When I worked I didn't have time for counciling really again. Always that balance isn't it. My mom paid for a few sessions (2) with a Dr in psychology field, but their end goal was to get me onto anxiety medication. I told them it's not the cause, it's the symptom. I won't mind going for counciling just that it seems like a neverending pit of talks and stimulation only to pay someone else. But sure there's a lot I need to work through emotionally and such. Going out drinking no longer is an option for me as I go alone and say things that upset people usually. (Not having a filter is another classic Aspie trademark.

Hi BPD ex GF and welcome to the board 

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.  It sounds like you've had a really tough time and been hit hard by the aftermath of this r/s, as so many here have.  It strikes me that you gave up an awful lot for the r/s.  What steps can you take right now towards rebuilding your life?   

I'm a little worried about you after your mention of suicidal thoughts.  What is your state of mind currently around this?  I hope if you find yourself feeling this way again you will help yourself by reaching out to a friend/family member, or contacting a crisis line.  There are lots of great confidential services where people are trained to help.  In fact, if you don't feel like engaging with someone directly, there is even a text service you can use.  Maybe it's worth storing it in your phone just in case.  You simply text the word Hello to 741741.   

I have in the past felt so low that I considered taking my own life.  It may not feel like it at the moment, but things can and do get better and you will begin to notice the ways in which things are improving in your life and own well being for not being involved in the r/s.  I can relate to feeling like you are completely worn out and emotionally exhausted.  It takes time to heal from the experience you've had, so be kind to yourself and patient.  Working through things at your own pace is the healthy way to go.  If, as Justbecause suggested, you are able to secure counselling (some services may offer this for free, depending on where you are in the world) this would be greatly beneficial to you.  There cannot be too much help and support when it comes to recovering from a BPD r/s and the ensuing impact on our lives.

Personally, I accepted medication following my BPD r/s, as it allowed me to manage the worst of my symptoms and gave me a clearer perspective in order to work through things and helped me organise my thoughts.  It's common to suffer from depression following a BPD r/s and if you are or have been experiencing suicidal thoughts, I'd highly recommend speaking to a doctor for some advice.  Even as a short term measure to get you through the worst until you are further down the healing road, it may be necessary to consider shifting your view on medication temporarily.  I had resisted the medication too for a long time, however it is important to recognise when we need to get that extra help.  There was no question to me that I was at breaking point when I agreed to give the SSRIs a go and I've found them really helpful.  Also, seeing the doctor may create an opportunity to secure some counselling through a service you're unaware of, so it would be well worth making that appointment.

Stay in touch and let us know how you're doing.  We care.

Love and light x   

My 7 year old son was diagnosed with ASD1, what they used to call Aspberger's, a year ago.  He's a sweet boy,  and a Rescuer, often at his own expense.  In the home, with his 5 year old sister (a princess and attention monger). Recently at school,  it was with classmates taking his lunch because he has trouble standing up for himself,  or advocating for himself.  He's unsure of the right response. I'm trying to help,  with the future in mind given few relationships when he is older.

It's ok to be who he is,  as it is ok to be who you are.  I can only imagine how it is in a romantic r/s. Can you grant yourself some grace that you are who you are? We sometimes struggle as a family,  but foremost in my mind is not to destroy who he is. He misses cues... .we redirect, but foremost I keep in mind that he is a kind soul.  Embrace who you are.