BPDFamily.com

Hello,

It has been exactly a year since my BPD ex cheated and left me for another guy with no rational explanation, remorse or apology after a 5 year friendship and year long relationship. The past year has been the most difficult of my life as I have been depressed, lonely and a complete wreck. Her lack of empathy and indifference toward my pain has hurt me more than her actions. I have been dealing with feelings of abandonment, low self esteem, loneliness and anger.

Since the breakup I have gone completely NC and she has contacted me simply to abuse me on multiple occasions for the most random reasons. Asking to return my stuff, demanding I delete pictures of us on my Instagram and my personal favorite, she showed up to the beach in my hometown where me and my family spend our summers with with her new bf and family after I took her there last summer. She knew it would break my heart and claimed she didn't mean for us to run in to each other. After that dramatic encounter, no apology or communication. I know her and her bf broke up after that trip although I don't know if I had anything to do with it. a month later She left a drunken voicemail from a random number (I had blocked her) asking if I would come after her looking for revenge (?).

It's been 4 months since I last heard from her. It's been hard as I suffered several set backs since our breakup from all her craziness and emotional abuse. I've taken considerable steps to get better and work on myself. I've been practicing meditation, thoughts of peace, love and forgiveness. The truth is I feel like deep down inside it's something I have to do. I miss her to death and I just feel that I don't care to be right anymore, i just want to be kind. I want her to know I understand her pain and want her to get better. the

My question is, what does everyone make of her behavior post-breakup? I want to make contact to tell her I forgive her and love her unconditionally. Is it a mistake? It's eating me alive. What should I do? Please help!

Hi inter,

*welcome*


We'd have to look at it from the perspective of a pwBPD, a pwBPD feel a lot of shame. Part of BPD poor interpersonal r/s skills that is a cause for choatic r/s's. If she has a picture of the both you online, it's a reminder for her that she has failed at another r/s again, that would trigger feelings of shame.

She's missing developmental stages in life and one of those stages is r/'s. A pwBPD have empathy but when your thoughts are not focused on loved one and they're focus on your anxiety / depression symmptoms, shame, self loathing, intense feelings it's very hard to think of anything else.

I understand how something that you shared together is introduced to someone else without acknowledgment to you that it might hurt your feelings. She doesn't have healthy r/s skills, she has social impairments.

I totally get trying to over the angry feelings, angry is normal in a situation like this, you didn't have a healthy r/s with her anger can help you with detachment. I'd suggest to hold off on forgivenesss and shift the focus on giving yourself closure. I spoke about healthy r/s skills earlier and in a healthy r/s a partner will give the other partner a reason why they think that they can't continue the r/s. Your ex doesn't have the r/s skills to be able to give you closure, you can give closure to yourself. I'd also advise to forgive yourself before you forgive your pwBPD and some people they don't need to forgive.

Hey inter, Whether to reach out to your BPDx is a call that only you can make.  As an initial matter, I would ask, what you are hoping to achieve by contacting her?  If it's closure you want, it's doubtful that you'll get it.  If it's forgiveness, It's unlikely.  Are you hoping for/interested in a recycle, if the opportunity presents itself?  Many of us have done it, including me, only to wind up in the same place, except with more pain.  If you elect to contact her, you will be putting the ball in her court, so-to-speak, which is giving her the power whether to respond or not.  Are you prepared for no response from her?  As you can tell, reaching out is risky, but maybe it's worth the risk to you?  Only you know for sure.

LuckyJim