BPDFamily.com

After being divorced for 15 years I met the woman of my dreams. We had a great relationship and decided to get married. We had never lived together and waited until the last of the children went off to college. We then sold our homes, left our jobs and moved to a small southern town that is beautiful on a beach. The problems started when we began to live together. In a nutshell I was creating anxiety for her in ways that I could not understand. I think if I had known what I know now about the obsessive personality I may have acted differently, but I didn't know. So for about 4 years I was walking on egg shells, had zero self-esteem and was shown no empathy. My feelings and emotions where seen as signs of weakness. Then one day she allowed me to express how I felt, it was liberating I felt like myself again. She acknowledged my feelings. Said she was sorry.

I felt great after this conversation. I got myself esteem back and I was happy again. She had the opposite reaction and was noticeably anxious and unhappy. I think her organized structured world was turned upside down. She didn't know what to do. She needed some time to sort things out. She went back and forth about what she wanted to do. She doesn't want to cause me any more pain.

 In her mind she has decided she wants to be my girlfriend because that's when our relationship was the best. She doesn't want a divorce, she wants to stay married, take vacations, hang out with the kids, and enjoy each other. In her mind she can't do this as a "wife". In her head she can't be the wife I want, but she can as my girlfriend.

We own a small business and she says she can't work there anymore. ( She doesn't have the "obsessive" pressure and "anxiety" of owning a business). She wants to move a couple of hours away were there are greater job opportunities. She wants to be closer to her sister and mom. She has spent half of the last month away and half here with me. To her this is my house now and not ours ( she doesn't have that organizational hassle anxiety that a home ). She has said she wants to spend every weekend together.

All in all she has become a more loving person and I am happier. She's cooking dinner, she never cooked. I am so much empathy for the feelings and pain of being obsessive she must be going thru I just want to hold her and tell her it's going to be ok.

 I'm ok with her being away, we text each other good morning, hellos, good nights. We send each other hearts. Me more than her because I'm a bit more romantic and while I'm not really keeping score it's helping me work on my insecurities if I don't get anything immediate. It's also helping me work on jealousy issues I have had my whole life.

We never had a prenup and now we have a postnup. The only assets we have together are the business and home and we have come up with a number so in effect I will buy her out. It will be my house, it will be my business. Weather or not we actually go thru with the asset transfer only time will tell.

From what I have read, being independent is seen as a virtue. Empathy is not as strong for obsessive personalities vs non obsessive. So it's hard for her to understand the pain i am going thru as I try to adapt.

I love her and don't want to divorce even tho my 60+ year old mindset is in conflict with the 21st century "living alone together", "we can make our marriage what ever we want it" and "commuter marriages" that are more acceptable and actually working for many couples. I really do love her. She tells me she loves me and I believe she does as much as she is capable of. I want to support her in her decisions.

Im just wondering what this message board thinks. It's so weird but I keep saying to myself  " I just don't want to be made a fool ". I have no desire to look for another relationship or cheat on her while I am married.

I would love to here what you think. Thank you

*welcome*

Let me welcome you here to the bpdfamily, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received. I'm sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. If you read and post here, you will get good support and ideas you can use.

I'm glad to hear that you have no desire to start another relationship or cheat on your wife!

I'm not sure that I understand how she is differentiating the wife role from the girl friend role. But, is it possible that she feels that she is somehow inadequate as a wife?

Being strong and independent are good. That goes for any relationship.

You mention several different types of moods that she has had. What do you attribute the changes in her moods to?

Would your relocating give you a better chance at the marriage that you want?

Hi TryingtoAdapt,

It was very interesting to read about how your relationship is evolving. It sounds like it is a bit confusing for you at times, but that you still both have a meaningful connection... .And you've arranged things incase a divorce does happen so you are prepared on that front - that seems wise.

In some ways I must say I envy your wife being able to have the things she needs - closeness with her family, living independently, a connection with you (her partner), a focus on having good time together. She seems to be arranging things the way she wants, but what about you? Can you make this adjustment? Will your feelings about this new definition of things fluctuate or do you think it will stabilize?

I know at times, when under stress, my h has wanted to have me as his "girlfriend" again instead of as his wife. If we were both citizens of the country we lived in I might be willing to deal with this, but under the circumstances such a thing is not possible, and I think it's not what he really wants. I think people can and will float a lot of ideas to deal with stress in their relationships... .Again, the key thing here is, what do you want? Can you elaborate on the pain this is bringing up for you?

Do any other members have experience with intentional decisions to revise the definitions of their relationships or have ones that defy convention? Or with a relationship partner who is trying to redefine things? It would be great to share any insight and support for our fellow members!

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

How are things going TryingtoAdapt?

I think all kinds of relationships are valid. People can be happy in all kinds of relationships: polyamorous, long-distance, part-time, sleeping in separate bedrooms or even apartments if you can afford it. You really can make your relationship whatever you want, as long as everybody's happy.

My exhusband (he's not BPD, not who I'm on this board about) and I did some version of a living separately marriage. Eventually, we decided we wanted a more permanent separation. Could be you're in a state of transition. 

So what do you want? What do you think will work for you?

I know I did/do best supporting my exBPDgf when we keep lots of space between us. Too much time together=me exhausted.