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I've been feeling really down lately - this entire year has been so hard for me in so many ways. I am overworked and overwhelmed.  I have been trying to give myself space from my pwBPD. The more I try to get a break from it all, he does anything he can to get my attention.  He has the ability to take all my energy all the time.

Two months ago, he decided to start therapy with a new therapist.  I hate to admit it but I had a bit of hope that maybe this time he would work on his core issues and maybe there could be some sort of improvement in our lives.  He has barely worked all year - he has isolated himself from our customers and from our employees.  The background information he has given to his therapist keeps turning on me being the problem in his life. I do know I am a problem in his life - in trying to support him I have continue to accept and forgive his unacceptable behavior.  Instead of focusing on letting go of the past hurt and pain he feels, it seems like it is getting entrenched deeper into his mind.  The instances of hurt and disrespect that he feels he has endured seem to make him more and more depressed.   He rehashes all the times I have let him down - disappointed him.  I am having a harder and harder time of protecting myself from his words and focusing on myself.  I feel like I have taken 10 steps backwards with improving my mental health.

In hopes of making me remember that we have made improvements, I decided to read my old posts.  I can not tell you how upsetting it is to realize that I have participated and contributed to the exact same cycle of issues for the past 5 years.  He says the same things I had written down in the past - he ends up wearing me down with his emotional needs.  I guess instead of helping me feel hopeful, reading the posts just brought me down further.

The silver lining in this are the amazing, kind, thoughtful and generous people on this board.  I don't think I could have gotten this far without all of you.  Reading the posts of support and understanding has brought me to tears.  I don't think my words can ever convey how much I appreciate it. 

What is your involvement in his T?  How do you know what he says?  Remember... anything he tells you he says... take it with a grain of salt.

I certainly haven't read your old posts, but let me offer an "educated guess".

Can you reflect some on your posts and look at the progress... ."you" have made versus what "he" has done.  I'm trying to disentangle things.

Going back to T is good, even if you don't agree with all of it.  I do think there is a reality that you face that is worrisome, the part about further withdrawing into his own world.  You have a business to run... supposedly together.  It's obvious you care about your business... .and you should.

I read your post again... and I see someone that is able to see their part and express themselves... .and express the feelings they have for their pwBPD. 

You also can clearly articulate the dynamic... .you pull away, he gets your attention, your energy is gone.

So, I challenge you, what are you going to say about your life a year from now?  What are steps you can take to make that happen?

   

Glad to see you posting... .looking forward to cheering you on!

FF

I agree with formflier. Being able to see your part in everything is good and extremely helpful. I also think that his question is spot on: If you look back a year from now on your current posts, what do you hope that you'll see and how do you plan to make that happen?

Having been in business with my ex husband, I see many patterns that I dealt with in your story.

You end up taking up all the slack when he isn’t participating equally. It’s like you’re in the mousecage, running faster and faster on the wheel.

It’s quite a good deal for him. If he tried the same behavior as an employee, his ass would be canned immediately.

Meanwhile you’re exhausted and you keep hoping he will step up. So far, no change.

After five years, it seems obvious that if a change is to be made, you’ll have to be the one to do it. Otherwise you can expect more of the same.

I was afraid to end the business relationship with my husband, but after I began to sever the ties of our marriage, he quit the business abruptly. It was difficult, but not as hard as I expected. I just set new strategies in motion and even created more time for myself.

So now you’ve reflected back on the past five years, what would you want the next five years to look like?

I'm thinking of you my friend... .

Yeah, reading old posts can be tricky. But also, it can provide some clarity as well. Disclaimer: everything I'm about to say comes with an "easier said than done" warning. NONE of this is easy.

It sounds like you're feeling stuck. And it sounds like you're reading old posts and realizing that these old patterns have been entrenched in your life for a long time. I imagine that is an incredibly hard thing to face.

But it does sound like you have made some changes too. I am seeing boundaries being held and distance kept and taken when necessary. So give yourself credit for that as well. Perhaps even go so far as to making a list of examples. Take a moment to analyze the impact those changes have made. How has it changed the overall dynamic?

And then the hardest question of all - taking ALL of it into account, what do you want to see moving forward? Have the boundaries made life bearable enough? If nothing else changes, could you make this work? If your answer is no, are there further changes you can make? Are there more tools you maybe haven't tried or been consistent enough with?

I know you have many legal entanglements with your partner so that make things more complicated, but you always have a choice. So try to give those feelings a voice - it is valid to get to a place where you are ready to leave. What would that look like? What feels GOOD about that? What doesn't feel good about that?

It sounds like you have a lot of ongoing thinking/planning to do and we are all here to help you with that.

Thinking of you!

Lala

"The more I try to get a break from it all, he does anything he can to get my attention.  He has the ability to take all my energy all the time."

As you identify and come out of the F.O.G., you are actually healing yourself - so congratulations for that major accomplishment!   

This is YOUR journey and you are learning more and more about yourself. There is no timetable. You are in this relationship because you have issues, too. Take as long as you need to become the person you want to be.

 :thought: I humbly suggest you focus on your needs and happiness for 45 minutes of every hour. Think of it as charging for professional services. Example: A lawyer charges $250/hour, so if you are "on call" to a pwBPD for 3 of 12 hours a day, you should expect to make $750 a day to be his personal therapist/emotional punching bag/mental garbage dump.

I wish you a very Happy and Prosperous New Year 2018!

Quicksilver Girl

Thank you for your supportive and insightful posts. I am always so touched that I am not alone and there are people who truly get it.   I have logged in 3 times today to try and write out the jumbled mess of thoughts and emotions running through my head.  I don't even know where to start. The 10 days before Christmas felt really great.  My pwBPD was apologetic and then he was truly engage and thoughtful.  I did try to enjoy some of that time without letting my guard down - knowing that it wasn't going to last and that he would be triggered at any time.  He seemed to appreciate the time we spent together and he truly participated in getting ready for the holiday.  I could feel the storm brewing in him on Christmas morning - we had breakfast and opened gifts with the kids at his house and as the day progressed, he started going downhill.  I left to cook Christmas dinner at my house - I spent the afternoon cooking and getting things ready.  He called late in the afternoon, he said he wasn't feeling well and wanted to lay down for a bit.  I felt bad that he wasn't feeling well but I decided that I wanted to be with my kids and focus on them having a nice dinner and evening.  I called him after dinner to see if he wanted to come over or for me to bring him food.  He was upset/angry that I had dinner without him.  I could tell him wanted to fight with me - I was tired and concerned that I would take the bait and I got off the phone as quickly as I could.   I fell asleep early - he called a few times at midnight but i didn't see the calls until the next day. 

I stopped at his house the next morning - he was upset/depressed that everyone left him alone on Christmas.  I listened to him for a bit and then said I had to go to work.  The last week of the year is extremely busy at work - it is always extra stressful for me.  He was super mad that I would take the day off to help him.  I said that I wished I could but I had to get to work.   I am sure I invalidated him - made him feel bad that work is more important but I knew I had alot to do. In the 8 hours I was at work, he called me nonstop.  I turned off my phone and when I turned it back on, he had called over 150 times.  I got a pit in my stomach - I didn't call him back.  I decided to stop at his house.  He was furious with me for not answering.  I calmly said that work was busy but I could feel myself getting upset. I didn't want to fight with him and i knew there was no talking to him. I could feel myself getting more and more upset as the week went by.  If he did talk to me, it was to dump/blame me for ruining his life.  I did not try to get him out of bed - I decided I just needed to work.   He did come to work on Thursday - and worked on a few projects that have been on his desk for a month.  I was quiet and tried my best to focus.  Any time he spoke to me, it was angry and blaming me for doing nothing to make him feel better all week.  I was having a hard time staying calm and focused.  I called my therapist and thankfully she had a cancellation.  I walked into her office and broke down.  I sobbed the entire time.  I have been letting myself get sucked into the cycle every single time for 5 years.  I have been twisting and turning myself inside out trying to make this situation better.  It was like a dam broke and I was completely flooded with emotion.  I know I wasn't making much sense but I just couldn't stop crying.  We scheduled an appointment for the next day - I needed to talk to her but just couldn't. 

That night, as I was getting ready to go home, he came into my office to apologize.   I swear he knew I was at my breaking point.  I listened - he got emotional about how much he wants to continue counseling and get to a better place.  All I could think of was the millions of times I have heard this.  He invited me to have dinner with him and the kids.  It felt easier to just say ok than to say no.  Which made me feel weak and pathetic.  I don't know why I always give in to try and keep the peace.  It never works.  It never changes and within 24 hours he went right back to wanting me out of his life and blaming me for disappointing him after he trusted me. 

I want to believe I can heal from this and move on to figure out what is best for me and my life. I am feeling stuck and not able to see how to get out of this pattern/relationship or whatever you want to call it. 

It is obvious I have to make a number of changes in my life - at work and at home. He has accused me of taking everything away from him. He has all but quit working  - any time I try to talk about his responsibility, the conversation goes downhill very fast.  I have to stop talking and just take action to make changes in my life.   I can not continue in the FOG which I have been stuck in the middle of for years.  I have to let go of the delusions and the empty promises and words.  I have to heal myself.  I have to realize and accept that this isn't a life.  I have to accept and face the reality as it is - not how I hope it could be or what I thought it was. With all that being said, I recognize how much help I need to get through this.  I never ask for help - it a major weakness.  I try to handle all situations by myself - I don't know why it is impossible for me to ask for help.  But it is very clear to me that I need help.  I have been taking in everyone's problems/issues and trying my entire life to make things better for everyone else.  It has taken a deep toll on me.  I feel shattered inside. 

You won't know if there has been a turning point for YOU (or the relationship) for several months.  Usually those things are "seen" and "understood" when looking back and reflecting.

I think I'm familiar with your story and (to me) turning off your phone and focusing on work (making decisions for you) seem important changes.  I perceive a shift in you.  This is good.

I don't share your opinion that you "gave in" and went and did things that he invited you to.  He seemed pleasant... you accepted an invite... . When it was obvious the was unpleasant, you chose other things.

Can you pause for a minute and reflect on that?  i think those are good things for you and YOUR FUTURE.

Now... .I'm going to tread into ground where I feel less sure, but I would like to lay out some details of "my plan for you" and see if they fit.  I would also ask you to discuss this plan with your therapist.

It's obvious that you and your partner have a significant business together, in addition to a troubled "personal relationship".

Frankly, I don't see how both situations survive on the current pathway.  I DO see a pathway that gives the "best chance" (IMO) for the personal and business to survive.

I think you need to get things set up to present your partner with a plan to get him out of the business, which he essentially is anyway.  I need you to put on your business owner "hat" for a minute and be "brutally honest with yourself"... .he is essentially out of the business... .correct?  

Is he "adding value" or "subtracting value"?

Stay away from why... .or "giving passes" or any of that... .just do the analysis and get the answer.  Value add... or not?

Knowing how he is in particular and pwBPD in general, we know that you need to be ready for compliance and good times in the split AND just as ready for him to flip out.  

So... .no discussions with him until you are ready "legally' to move forward to protect your "business interests" regardless of what he wants to do.

I'm guessing it will take you a month, perhaps two to retain a L and set all of this up.  :)uring that time you can work with your T.

Once your L says he is ready to move forward I think you need to talk with your T and then take time away, vacation if you will, with NO CONTACT with him.  

You may come back and decided to put a "contingency plan" on the shelf and move on as things are before... .OR... you may come back and have a talk with him about redefining business.

I suggest this for two main reasons.

1.  It puts you in control.
2.  It starts you down the road to remove a lot of resentment from your personal relationship (and business).  To me, the resentment is loud and clear.  It's justified.  I see no way for any relationship to recover with this level of resentment left "unaddressed".  Chances he will do things to "address it"?  Right... we know the answer.  Read reason 1 above again.

Thoughts?

FF

Gosh, I am sorry that post was so long and so pathetic.  Over and over again, I complain about the same things yet only make minor changes and improvements to simply slip back to the old unhealthy patterns.

My therapist and I are trying to figure out why I feel like I need to have him in my life.  Why I am so afraid to let him go - why do I think this is what a loving relationship should be like?

During my marriage, I had spent so much time alone - so many nights and weekends and holidays.  I don't think I am afraid to be alone.

I know part of me does not want to be another person in the long list of people who have disappointed my pwBPD.  I don't know why that bothers me so much.  I guess I can't stand to think that all of this was for nothing.  That it meant nothing.  I had so many hopes and dreams for the future and as the years have passed, nothing has gotten better.  I was broken down and now I have to put myself together.  My personality wants to do everything all at once - as much as I think I am flexible - things feel all or nothing to me.  I don't think that is a realistic way to think about any of this.  I think too much about how he is feeling - what his needs are.  I haven't ever had an opportunity to think about me.  I haven't given myself that chance.

 

FF - thank you so much for your insight and thoughts.  I am trying to make a shift in myself.  I appreciate that you pointed that out.   You are definitely familiar with my situation and I lose perspective being so deep in emotion.

Reading your plan helps me sort my thoughts out tremendously.  It makes sense to me.  I used to be a person of action and at work, I still do take charge and get things done. 

There is no way either relationship is going to survive in the current state it's in.  We are both deeply entrenched in this toxic cycle and I can't let it ruin the business.  If I am brutally honest with myself, he is so out of touch with things at work, i don't know if there is any way for him to work back into it.  It is heartbreaking to me to face that.  He is so incredibly talented and could provide so much value.  I did not take that away from him - he has withdrawn into himself over the years.  I do need to be realistic that this will take time and think of it as a goal to works towards instead of wanting an instant result or resolution.  To be honest with you, I can't imagine being able to go no contact with him.  I completely see your point in the importance of it - but at this moment, it seems very impossible. 

I need to start to let go of some of the resentment and deeply enmeshed patterns we have. I know he also has very deep resentment towards me and there is no way for us to continue like this. 

Thank you again for your insight.  You have helped me move my thoughts in a more positive direction.

I bolded the part I am going to argue with you about.

The shift I see is not "minor".  To be clear, I don't think you have made a "turning point" either.

I think that either decision you make at the end of your "legal analyses" and your time away will be a turning point.

Please understand, I'm not telling you to get a lawyer and kick him out of the business.  I'm telling you to get the legal ability to do that set up.  The process of setting that up will fully inform you about the issues you face.

You may decide to press on and let him do... (or not) his part in the business. 

The point is that YOU inform yourself and YOU decide... .then YOU own your decisions.

Back to the bold... .I'm seeing changes that are much bigger than "minor"... .

Take another step... .it's just a step.  Retain the attorney... privately.

Then take another step... then another... .then another.  Eventually the file will be complete and you can evaluate your options.

You may want to privately show the plan to someone else, for a second opinion... .who knows.

It starts with a step.

FF

It is well past time that I start taking steps forward to get control of my life and more importantly, control of the business. 

I certainly don't want a big ugly legal drama - but it seems like I am living with ugly dramas more frequently than I don't.

Thanks for your support and clarity. 

I stopped over at his house this morning for coffee.   He wanted to dump all his emotional upset on me - it started off pleasant enough talking about the kids.  It turned so quickly into how he is empty and how the disappointments of the past are cemented into his head and there is no way to move past them.  In those circumstances, I try to listen - to validate.  Any comment I made was taken out of context and turned around.  I told him my plans for the day and he started to get angry that I have things to do while he has nothing in his life.  I didn't stay long but I am having a hard time shaking it off. 

Two things.

1.  Fear.  It may not be a big ugly legal drama.  The best way to avoid one... .is to be prepared for one.  Think about that.  When you approach him in a couple months with a settlement offer or "business plan" or... .(whatever you want to call the document)... .what happens if he just signs off on it?

That is an option... .he obviously doesn't want to come to work... .or isn't able to come to work, so... .perhaps he will be freed up and agreeable to putting reality onto paper.

You won't know until you cross that bridge.  You can't cross the bridge until you are prepared... .so get prepared.

2.  I think you need to be more assertive and less validating.  Or... .perhaps more focused on when you can validate.

Can you give some he said she said of where the morning coffee went down hill?  Perhaps include some of the "good stuff" from before hand so we get the flavor right.

FF

An exercise I do occasionally when I wonder about a relationship or a friendship and its impact upon me: I imagine meeting the person for the first time, noticing how he or she speaks to me, what is said, what is assumed, how he or she defines themselves, what they expect of me, what they ask of me, etc.

Then I ask myself if I had no history with this person, would I want them in my life?

If the answer is “no” then I take steps to remove myself from their orbit.

This sounds a lot simpler than it is, but after clinging to some very damaging relationships for years, I now want to fully embrace the truth of “what is” rather than “what could be”.

I'm going to suggest you work on the "small" solution to your r/s rather than the "large" solution. And reading what you did AND how you felt about it, I want to contrast two very different situations which you responded to differently... .and I think it went well, so please don't beat yourself up over either one!


He was being horrible to you... .so you stayed away/didn't respond. Yes, he hated it, but you were protecting yourself, and leaving him to make himself miserable, instead of being with him so he could make both of you miserable!


This doesn't sound like "giving in" to me. It sounds like he got through his dysregulation, and was now going to be good company for you... .so spending time with him at this time was also healthy for you.

The big picture--that this relationship seems toxic and you can't figure out why you won't end it... .is too overwhelming for you to deal with. So don't. Respond to how he is behaving right now. The trick there is to honor your own feelings, as rapidly as you can. Morning coffee started out pleasant. When it stopped being pleasant, it was time to leave, probably sooner than you did. Does some sort of validation ever stop this sort of a "turn for the worse" in its tracks for you? I'm guessing it almost never does!

If handle that consistently well, it will become apparent how much of value remains in this relationship, both the romantic one and the professional one.