BPDFamily.com

Hi,

Our separation is still very new, and because we have a young child and currently have to live under the same roof for logistical and financial reasons, we have to communicate with each other about routines, schedules, household and child logistics, etc.

I have a really hard time not giving in to baiting when we have disagreements. She is very good at knowing just the right buttons to push to get me into defensive mode, or apologetic mode, or angry/weepy mode. She's also good at taking a disagreement or discussion about one current topic and turning into a rehashing of all the ways I have failed her or hurt her in the past. I have such a difficult time not getting defensive and emotional, and difficulty resisting the urge to correct statements that are inaccurate or exaggerated. The last time this happened, I came out and said I didn't think it would be productive to discuss past conflicts and arguments because we already know we are never going to agree or resolve them, and that's why we are separating. She ignored me and kept going until finally she said something that pissed me off, something else that triggered my pity/guilt response... .and it just got worse from there.

If I try to stop the baiting and she continues anyway, should I just stop responding altogether? End the conversation and walk out? I am having a really, really hard time with the validation approach to deescalation, I get too emotional to think clearly enough to listen properly and formulate an appropriate response. It's a little easier now that I don't feel as great a need to please her or keep the peace or win back her approval, but it's getting in the way of communication about the things we need to actually work out right now. Any tips or advice?

I can't figure out how to modify the title of my original post. It should say "Advice needed". I need other people's advice, I have none of my own to offer

I hate to hear what you're going through writeaway. You and I could have been twins. At least as far as how we react to what I call "The Twilight Zone". Where you feel like you're in another dimension when engaging the pwBPD in your life.
How long do you and your stbx have to live in the same house? 
 
I would look at resources on this site and maybe others here will offer more resources and advice that will help. Look up wisemind. Look in the "Tools" tab in the menu bar.
If you don't have a therapist (T), I highly recommend finding one. Mine is very familiar with BPD and even facilitates DBT therapy so she treats patients with BPD. A simple analogy that my T shared with me has helped because I can still find myself wanting to engage. She said, "Have you ever played tug of war? You have to pick up the rope to play. When your ex tosses you the rope to play, don't pick up the rope!" Look at it as your stbx tossing you a rope to play tug of war. In an actual game of tug of war, you would probably win since you are probably physically stronger. In her game, she has Jedi skills that will have you losing every time. Don't pick up the rope.

Hi writeaway and welcome  

I've read your other post just now, so have an idea about your situation.  That's got to be very tough on you, especially when you want to keep things low key and as 'normal' as possible for the sake of your child.  40days pointed you to some good resources and I would agree that the Tools section on the top header menu is a great place to start.  These things take practise, so don't beat yourself up if it doesn't happen naturally right away.  The more of these skills you begin to implement however, the easier things can become in your communication.  After all, with a child in the frame, you two are always going to have to maintain some degree of contact as you co parent.  

This may be one for the future, or one you can call to mind during any interaction now.  I discovered how helpful BIFF (brief, informative, friendly, firm) is for me when dealing with my son's father.  We have a good article on this [urlhttps://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0]Here[/url].
 It reduces his ability to draw me into conflict and prevents my emotions from rising.  

I also agree with the suggestion about not picking up the rope.  My counsellor describes it as putting up a wall on my own part (the boundary is on ourselves).  She says he cannot argue with a wall, which is fair comment.  The trick for me has been to identify how I leave myself open to attack and to stop myself and keep myself safe by not getting to that point.  

My advice would be to talk about ONLY what needs to be discussed, regards your child.  Be clear that this is the only topic you wish to talk about and that you will stick to this.  If the conversation begins to go off in other directions, don't participate and steer things back to any further business about the child arrangements and nothing more.  When she takes a tangent, don't engage with that.  Can you see a pattern in the communication that leads her to open into other complaints?  What is the main thing she leads into?

Keep posting here.  It will give you opportunity to vent the frustrations safely without directing them at her if that is helpful.  Peace above all else right now would be beneficial in your home, for all of you.

Love and light x    

Something else that I forgot to mention that helped me after reading Harley Quinn's post. She is spot on by only addressing what needs to be addressed by employing BIFF. As she also said, don't beat yourself up. You won't get it at first. Heck, sometimes I still find myself with the rope in my hands.

What helped me was evaluating an interaction with my stbx soon after an interaction with her. Identify what your triggers are. For me, a couple of my triggers were her being late on a pathological level nearly every time and the out of the gate accusations based on zero basis of truth. I would engage and pull the rope. 

My ex chose text as the form of communication nearly 100% of the time. This made it easier for me to look back and see where I did good and where I could have done better. It also helped me identify my triggers. (Hint: It's the theme she chooses the most because it's what works on you best)