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It's 6 weeks since I ended the relationship with my ex. We've had no contact - which has surprised me as I really expected him to keep phoning and working on me. I'm actually very grateful for it, even if it is unexpected. But I feel some things are left a bit up in the air. I don't really want to get into analysing with him what went wrong - I think we both know that. I'm just in a state of indecision about whether to send him a brief email. The main practical reason for the contact would be that I have some of his possessions still and want to know if he wants them (as I would like them out of the way). But also with Christmas coming up, I always thought we'd at least wish each other Happy Christmas and have some kind of conversation, what with it being the "season of goodwill" and all that.
I've found it so helpful reading this forum and I'm just starting to come out of the denial and brainwashing that the last 8 years have instilled. I'm really unsure if even my reasonable and practical reasons for sending a message open me up to potential manipulation. Maybe it's the emotional turmoil, but I came down with a really vicious flu bug and have felt very foggy headed and not able to deal with anything for over 2 weeks, which may have given me some useful distance as well. Now I'm feeling a little stronger and there is only a week to Christmas I'm feeling that if I'm going to do it the next few days are the time.
I'll put the text of what I want to send below and would really welcome any comments and feedback:

"Hi, I hope you’re well. I’ve had flu for over 2 weeks, just recovering.
Thank you for not contacting me for a while as asked. It’s been a difficult time, but necessary, I think.
I wanted to ask you what you would like me to do with a few of your things I still have in my garage and elsewhere.
They are:
{list of things}

I do also have a Christmas present, which I had already bought for you. Would it be appropriate to give it to you?
I can post it if you’d rather not meet up before Christmas.

I wish you well and good wishes for the season of goodwill."

Hi Roma,

I am probably the least qualified to answer this question, as I was only dating a BPD woman for under two months and saw her as recently as last Thursday. But, since then I have gone NC. Like you, I have such an unbelievable urge to contact her, for various reasons. I tell myself it is guilt, or maybe I could just say hi and we could have a little better closure, etc. I still wonder if I might breakdown in the next days/weeks and reach out to her.

What I would tell you, as I am telling myself is under no circumstances try to reach out to that person. I would mail back any belongings, and then make sure all avenues for him to contact you are blocked. Again, I am new to this whole thing, being in such a short relationship that ended less than a week ago. But, she had cast me aside previously, and i started to try to go through the acceptance and healing, but ended up back with her. But it wasn't the same, making the pain all the worse. Yet, because i still wanted to help and wanted that feeling back I could feel my power over myself and the situation evaporating. And i know (or so i try to convince myself) that there is no solution other than walking away.

From everything i understand about the condition, he has not contacted you because he has no use for you. And, sadly, that seems to be the impetus for all of their intimate relations--based on filling a void they are missing, which has nothing to do with love. And it sounds like, if he has no contact with you, and truly is BPD, that he has found another source to fill his void.

The danger, as i see it, in initiating contact is that the BPD indiv than can dial you up anytime they need something (as in emotional or intimate) and again cast you aside when they no longer. A true yo-yo.

I would do whatever you can do to try to reduce any and all thinking about him and what you had. And do not send him that email. I wish I could say otherwise, that maybe there is some hope, as i want it myself, but i think it only sets you up for even greater heartache. Yes, christmas is coming soon, and it is going to be absolutely terrible feeling like this--but you still have over a week to heal. If somehow things start back up because you send him an email and then it ends again, in an even worse way, i fear that things will just be all the more difficult for you.

Hi Roma,

*welcome*

I completely understand wanting to have a  a r/s with our exes after the break-up. You’re going to be disappointed in the response of non response that you’ll get because BPD is a shame based disorder. You probably know that a huge component or criterion of the disorder is the core wound of abandonment and a pwBPD expect that everyone in their lives will leave them.

Talking to you would make him face yet another failed r/s, it’s a reminder to him of his dysfunctional behaviour and that he’s a broken human being. You cared about him that shows through your words, you shared something special with him.

I’d recommend to take step back and see if you’re doing this because it’s a sentimental time of the year, maybe you have hopes that he’ll come to his senses. Ask yourself it was any other time of the would you have written your note?

Shift your focus away from him and focus on self protection  to heal your wounds and to give yourself the distance and time that you need to recover. Spend t me with family and friends over the holidays and take really good care care of your self.

hi Shoct and Mutt
Thanks for your replies and taking the time to think about my situation. It's made me think in a bit more detail about what I want and what a good course of action would be. I've decided that practical stuff like returning his possessions can wait until the new year. I feel I have to offer him the option to reclaim his stuff, even if he doesn't want it. He does also owe me a little bit of money (not a substantial amount, but it would be useful). I don't actually have many worries that he will mess me around too much over that. In the 8+ years we'd been together I always found him to be very honest, honourable and conscientious  - too much so sometimes, perhaps overcompensating. If an argument results I can afford to walk away.

The sentimental side of Christmas is a tricky one. My sister and her husband, who obviously have had a friendship with him during our relationship, decided to send him a Christmas card, which I thought was fine if that's what they wanted to do. It may all backfire, but I'm tending towards sending a card, too - with just a very neutral message (possibly pre-printed as most cards are). It doesn't necessarily invite further communication, but feels like the right thing to do.

I don't feel angry and bitter towards him, -or even have any desire to try again - just sad that all my efforts at making the relationship work over such a long period of time have really not succeeded. This time I'm really clear I'm moving on, having re-cycled so many times, mostly feeling disappointed with myself for going back again. I have a pretty fully established life and support structure to fall back on, just need to get my strength back to pick up the threads again.

I'll let you know how the Christmas card goes - I accept that I may not get any response, but at least I'll feel I've done a socially acceptable thing, if you know what I mean. Thanks again, also to everyone who maintains this forum - invaluable.

Hi there!

This is one of the hardest things for me... .birthdays and Christmas.

I will just tell you a little about my decision making. Not to tell you to do the same, but just as input.

I recently missed her birthday. I REALLY wanted to congratulate her. No extra information or questions, just a simple "happy birthday". Same is true for Christmas.
Why? Just to show I care about her. No hidden agenda whatsoever.

But I didn't send her anything. Why?
1) if she'd appreciate my message, she would most definitely reply like nothing ever happened. Giving me a short "high", but at the same time I would be completely stuck again.
Although I did not have a hidden agenda, her charm would lead me to believe that she has painted me white again. I wouldn't know what to do... .Pursue (as her reply would suggest) or leave it at that? The first action would lead to the same cycle, because she won't talk about what went wrong. The second action would lead to painting me black again, because I would let her down.

2) if she wouldn't appreciate my message, she would ignore me and the message would backfire. I would be the stalker etc. etc.

So... it is quite simple actually: no matter what, I always lose.

My decision was and still is a very hard one, but I try my best to stick with it.

EdR, I went through the same scenario and also decided to ignore her birthday.

My reasons? 1-She probably would have ignored my message and I would have felt strange for sending it in the first place, or 2-She may have responded in a formal manner with a polite “thanks” which would have made me feel strange as well or 3-She could have responded and at the same time tried to engage me again which is something I do not want to contemplate.

So in my analysis there was nothing there for me. In my weaker moments I did feel like I should be doing it, because I still truly care about her and always loved her immensely. But the reality is that there is nothing good for me there. My T said that the only way I could do it was if I was ready to send it as an adult without any ties, any expectations or desires, just a simple ‘happy birthday’. I am not ready for that. I am still recovering as our connection was destroyed so badly, it hurt and there is no turning back.

Roma--I'm confused.  Do you want him in your life or not?  You're playing both sides here. A xmas present I think would just be cruel.  Are you hoping for a recycle?  Are you getting lonely?  To me this reads as what's best for you and not him.  He did what you asked him to do, he did it, now all these reasons to contact him.  I understand the pain of a lost relationship and missing them.  If its "The Christmas from Hell" you are looking for, go ahead and write the letter, get your money back, return his things, hurt him even more, then go back to your happy home.  I gave this a lot of thought before I replied and you did ask for opinions, even if I was your best friend I doubt my opinion would change.  Best wishes for both of you and good luck no matter what you chose to do.