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I know I shouldn't care about this anymore, but she asked me to be her gf 3 years ago today and it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  I wish I could forget.

Hi Shedd 


I felt this way too. Why do you feel this way?

Hmmm, probably 'cause I'm still wondering what it would have been like if she didn't have BPD? Would we have worked out? 

Hi Shedd,

I am sure many of us can relate. What was that film "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?" I know I wish I could excise all of the relationship pain and memories out of me at times, but then I remember that I am a sum of all the good and bad (and everything in-between) experiences of my life. Is there a way that instead of being upset on this date, you can look back with peace in your heart? Is there a way to toss your pain off into a river somewhere, do a visualization with it to release some of this stuff you are carrying?

warm wishes, pearlsw.

I often ponder about this. But, as my T says "everything happens for a reason" and "this was a life lesson". Although I always reply that this was a life lesson I could live without...   who knows. Both me and my ex though we were destined to be. There were literally so many signs from the "divine intervention" it's ridiculous.  I'm an agnostic and sceptic and even I was assured that- yes- this is the Universe plan, this had to happen, this was meant to be. Everything in my life lead me to the point where I had to met him. Well, maybe I wasn't wrong. Maybe I did have to meet him. Maybe it indeed was destiny. Only not the one I hoped for. The true reason will maybe be revealed to me in time. Or maybe never. Maybe he indeed was my soulmate. It definitely felt like he was. But he was the kind of soulmate that wasn't meant to stay.
I often ask myself- would I change anything. I don't know, to be honest. I lived my one big love. Though it only lasted for one summer. And feelings changed for him. But for me, that was the peak of my emotions. To me, it was real. I never felt such intensity before. For those 2 months, I lived what some people dream and wish whole their life for them to happen. Yes, it was nothing more than a dream, an illusion, phantasmagoria.  But, I still can recall the intense emotions I felt and an overwhelming love. Maybe I'm even happy for the opportunity to love someone so greatly.
I know I'll never love someone so much. But that's ok. I don't have to. I say it without remorse. I know that love was mad man's fantasy, unsustainable and unfortunately, a product of an ill, deranged mind. I have bittersweet feelings about that experience. But I own it.
No, I wouldn't have changed it.
Weird? Maybe.

I see. I thought about that too. Maybe, maybe not. I thought if I met someone like her, but that someone didn't have BPD, things probably would have been better. But I didn't meet that person.   :) What do you think?