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So, real quick about me: 45yo dad of DD11 and DS6.  My undiagnosed NPD ex and I got divorced about three years ago.  Although she was very abusive physically and emotionally during the relationship, things are mostly drama-free with the co-parenting, although the first two years of the divorce were pretty bad.  There are still occasions that I get into strange discussions with her.  For instance, it's my year to have a week with the kids during Christmas.  I'm traveling to see my family who lives about 1000 miles away and she is really unhappy about this and doesn't want me going for more than 5 days.

The real issue that I have is that my NPD ex seems to be a bit emotionally distant and a bit tone deaf with the kids.  Looking for ways to be constructive.

Hi athwart,

Welcome and hello  :)

Hope you have a good visit with your kids. And it's great that things are mostly drama free.  :)

Are you saying that she doesn't want you to take the kids to see family for a week, as though 5 days is somehow magically ok? I'm assuming you are going anyway... .

How do the kids deal with the emotional distance and tone deafness of their mom? What kinds of things does she do, and do they share these things with you?

I found the best antidote to a co-parent's highly reactive and yet shallow emotions was to increase my own emotional IQ when parenting. Bill Eddy has a really good book called Don't Alienate the Kids that's mostly about raising emotionally resilient kids. Anything that walks you through how to validate the way your kids feel is also super helpful, like Power of Validation for Parents (can't remember the authors).

Basically, making it safe for the kids to experience their authentic emotions, so that someone in their lives helps them process who they are emotionally.

Because it for sure isn't going to be the disordered parent 

Yup, I'm going.  I've managed to develop ways to deal with my ex that don't make things worse, mostly employing the grey rock, so dealing with this blips from her are generally not a problem.  So all the baggage from the past 15 years between her and me I can handle in a good way now.  My ex is remarried, so this may be one reason I'm off the radar and things are easier.

Now, one thing that DD11 tells me is that mommy favors her new "siblings" (i.e. stepkids), who are younger than her but older than DS6.  For instance, DD11 told me recently that they were all shopping in Walmart and mommy wouldn't buy some piece of junk for DD11 but would for the stepkids.  That's probably the biggest thing.

Knowing the person my ex is, I have to approach these circumstances sort of "sideways".  Generally, I encourage DD11 to express how she feels to her mother (knowing how someone like my ex might react).  But, I also listen to her and make sure she understands that her feelings are valid feelings.

DS6 doesn't seem to be affected, as he's the youngest and he gets a lot of attention from his new "siblings".  At least for now.

Thanks for the book recommendations.  I'll check them out.