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My marriage has been in bad shape since shortly after our now 3 year old was born.  My husband (no diagnosis, but has several BPD characteristics) has finally decided that he wants to move out and wants things to happen fast and amicably.  That's more or less what I've hoped for for a long time.  But given how volatile he can be, I wonder how amicable things will really be.  As much as I want the divorce to happen amicably and cheaply, I'm nervous about how much time he should have with our son.  I've done 90% of the parenting, and DH can be impatient and even emotionally abusive. How/should I give pushback if I think he's asking for more time with our son than he can handle? Can I expect his newfound interest in being a hands-on parent to last?

Hi OddWalnut,

Whatever behaviors (and instability, inconsistency) you saw in the marriage will be there in the divorce, and after. 

I wish it weren't that way.

The good news for you is that it sounds like he can be reasonable. At least for short periods. (I wonder why... .?)

If you have spent 90 percent of the time being the primary caregiver, expect that to remain the same, no matter what he claims during emotionally regulated episodes.

You may find that he ends up like a lot of dads with BPD, where he wants to win in court but then falls down on the job in reality, where life is not quite as filled with winning.

What kind of documentation or evidence do you have about his behaviors? That will determine what you can reasonably expect to get, at least in the first round. Just know that "temporary" parenting agreements tend to magically become permanent, without anyone telling you. Courts tend to go with status quo, so whatever has worked before the divorce and right after the divorce, they tend to figure that is what is best and most stable for the child.

The past patterns predict the future, more or less.

You probably should have some solid boundaries regarding parenting.  Despite his insistence for added parenting time, you know the history and it's unlikely he will parent more than he has been doing.  So one boundary is to consistently set firm limits to the parenting.  And frankly, without a court order in place specifying otherwise, the parent in possession typically gets his or her way.  In the early years of my separation and divorce, anytime the police were called they pleaded with us to work it out but then left saying, "Fix it in court."  They would take action to resolve the immediate incident but that was about it.

Odds are that if he does get additional time he will be (1) a frequent no-show, (2) return the child early or (3) find some relative, neighbor or friend to be a child sitter.

Court may be inclined to give him a 'typical' dad schedule, alternate weekends and an evening or overnight in between.  Courts like alternate weekends, it gives each parent a full weekend to be with the kids and also a weekend off from parenting.  Unless he has a history of child abuse, neglect or endangerment then that's the most likely legal outcome.  However, some states are starting to default or lean toward 50/50 so you'll need legal advice from a family law attorney (or a few inexpensive consultations) to get a feel for what your local court is likely to do.

If you two do end up having alternate weekends, dad does not have to have a full 3 day weekend.  I started with a full 72 hours Friday pm to Monday pm while my son was too young for school.  Once he started school, weekends were from Friday after school to Monday arrival at school.  Of course I was a relatively normal dad.  Some mothers here had even shorter weekends for messed-up dad.  Maybe dad's time started on Saturday.  Or the child was returned Sunday afternoon so the kid was able to get to bed and be ready for school Monday morning.  You get the idea, ponder what would work best for you and the kids and consistently advocate for a schedule that would be most likely to work.


I am curious... .why the sudden desire to end the marriage?  Does he want to work elsewhere?  Did he find a fascinating replacement for you?  Is he thinking that if he has more time in a schedule then he will pay less child support?  (Frankly, in my court the calcs always came out very similar, regardless whether more time or less time, the amount was determined more by the relative income levels than the parenting time.)

You mentioned having a child changed the family dynamic.  That's what happened to me too.  Over the years my spouse was increasingly uneasy and I thought having a child would make her happy to see life's discovery through a child's eyes.  Not to be, she relived her childhood fears through him.  I learned the hard way that while a child is a blessing it doesn't fix a troubled marriage.  So when he was getting close to the age her childhood abuser came into her life, she started getting antsy, unreasonable and paranoid.  The marriage imploded and I could do nothing to divert the slow moving train wreck.

Thanks all.  This is helpful.  Now that I know more about what he's asking for and what the laws in my state are, I'm more optimistic we'll come up with an arrangement I can live with.  What can sink it as this point is (1) if he decides more time with kid means less child support and (2) if his narcissistic dad suggests he should ask for more.

As for why he's being reasonable and why he wants to split now, I have no reason to think he has any nefarious motives. 


Same here, and it makes me sad.  I had hoped having a child would help him heal from the abuse he himself had suffered.  Instead, it just stirred up fears.  Given what he went through, I really do want to see him happy.