BPDFamily.com

hey all, thanks for your time/energy and happy holidays! this is only my second post, not even sure if i am posting in the right area or manner. i am a widower (4 yrs now) but started dating a gal 2 yrs ago. after dating a year and half, i invited her to move in with me. before moving in, there were a few instances of her being very tired, getting into a downward cycle of crying, then expressing some disgruntlement with/about me. it was infrequent and i kind of wrote it off. but since then she was in a minor car accident, has some minor constant pain and has started peri-menopause which is causing her to not sleep well. anyway, the instances of her being very cozy/sweet, then suddenly withdrawing, being cold/silent/scowling, then crying and ultimately expressing some odd accusation - all have gotten more frequent in number and longer in duration. i have a first solo therapy appointment set for myself in january. meanwhile i am reading a lot about BPD. probably in denial - hoping it is the hormone shift. but the more i read, the more the pattern seems BPD. that is very very frightening. we are not married, i could ask her to leave at some point if i needed to, but i want to try to make it work, yet, i don't want to be abused, lose more nights of sleep (the drama is almost always around 1am... .). that is where i am at. if you have any thoughts/insights, i'd appreciate it!

Hi D. Termined *welcome*

I really like the name you chose.  :) I"m sorry that you have been experiencing so much conflict in your relationship. I'm glad to hear that you will be starting T soon. I think that will really help you work through some of the stres that comes form being in a relationship with someone with BPD.

Could you walk us through a disagreement you have had, sharing a little about what starts it, how you respond, and how the situation resolves itself?

We have a lot of great lessons and workshops that you can find on the right side of the page. ---> To get you started here is a link to one of our articles on  Ending Conflict  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict).

When she begins to argue with you late into the night, is there a room you can retreat to so that you can get some sleep?

My H gets bad about dysregulating before bed.  I think it can be a combination of a few things in his case, you may benefit by seeing if you can find any correlation to events taking place in yours:

H believes that time only really passes when he is unconscious.  He does not call it sleep, he fights sleep like a toddler avoiding naps.  A day is not over until he has slept and woken up (regardless of what clocks and calendars state).  So, if he is anxious about time passing, due to fears of aging, diminishing health due to aging, deadlines he has not yet met, or an upcoming event he finds stressful, he will get increasingly difficult at bedtime, as he is about to make the clock jump ahead magically. 

Add to this that showers wake him up instead of relaxing him, and so his nighttime shower (to save time in mornings), he can get a bit manic at bedtime, right when I am winding down, and often a bit off-guard and not at my best "validation game". 

Also in his case, dropping blood sugar = horrible moodiness, so if he's not eaten in quite a while, and doesn't want a before bed blood sugar stabilization snack, he may try to pick a fight to vent his feelings. 

His neuropathy in his legs hurt worse at night once he lies down, I think because all the day-time inflammation has hit its peak and also he is decreasing distracting stimulate and so it's likely more noticeable, so this affects his mood as well.  Pain when preparing for sleep is no fun.

I got a Fitbit years back to track my sleep, so I'd know if I was really not sleeping, or if I was just sick or lazy - I wanted to understand my exhaustion and know if it was real or psychosomatic, based on poor sleep or something else I'd need to be treated for.  I found that I have sleep maintenance insomnia and that for every hour in bed, I only sleep about 30-45 minutes.  Every sound seems to subtly wake me, even if only enough to prevent deep sleep or REM - I may spend a whole night "asleep" without ever hitting more than the light sleep part of the sleep cycle.

After talking a little openly with some people about it, H I think has learned that he needs to help if I am to function while awake. 

I have over the years tried to set up a clear sleep-hygiene routine so H can understand by my actions I am getting ready to try to sleep myself.  I need a certain level of quiet/white noise, I need the lights to be pretty dim, and I need him to not try to engage me in conversation or watching videos (his worst habit, still, trying to talk about or make me watch iPad videos as I am trying to sleep).  Once I turn off my light and roll over "usually" these days he respects that I am trying to sleep.

We are still fighting his perception that my being asleep constitutes a form of abandonment.  Naps - sleep at night, running a fever and quite sick, it does not matter.  He tries but usually ends up calling me lazy and accusing me of "always napping" (I almost never nap these days, to keep nighttime sleep the priority) if my needing rest beyond his threshold of tolerance. 

What is your routine at night?  Do you have times when you say, "I'd like to talk about this, but need to sleep right now?  Can we discuss it in the morning/tomorrow, when I can devote my full attention to it?"  Do you see anything that may contribute to night-time moodiness?  Is she in more pain, hot flashes, does she have a schedule int he day to regulate HER sleep patterns?