BPDFamily.com

I'm split black. I was friends with my ex for 9 years. We were together just 2 months. She wants me totally out of her life (I have been anyway for over 3 months but made the error of sending an Xmas message) and I am ready to walk away.  However I feel like no one else has put the pieces of the puzzle together.  I strongly suspect she has hfBPD going on my experience and testimony from two of her exes. I'm not sure if her friends have seen this side of her. I've suggested today she see a professional for anger issues and she just threatened me with a restraining order and blocked me.  

Should I message her closest friends saying - "I need to leave this now, but please look out for her, support her, I believe she has hfBPD - if you suspect I may be correct then as her friends you should stage an intervention"?

What are the dangers if hfBPD goes untreated? She is 33 and no children.
I worry for her and I worry for my replacements.

 

Hi Dargumin,

I've read your post history and from what I understand you've been split up for 8 months and NC for 3.  Is that correct?  How are you doing?

It sounds to me like you're going through the phase that I did of wanting to save her still after parting ways and being concerned about others who will be affected by her.  My exBPDbf was violent towards the end of our r/s and I was worried about the safety of others he would get involved with after myself.  I posted here and the advice, whilst not what I wanted to hear, was spot on. 

Let it go.  As long as you're still focusing on her, you are not moving forwards.  She is a grown woman, as are the other adults who associate with her and they can all make up their own minds for themselves.  Any attempt now to give input to others about your suspicions will not come across well and as well meaning as your intentions are, it could open up a whole heap of issues for you.  For starters, any potential replacement will most likely quickly be told about how awful you are and would only suspect that you are jealous and want her back if you were to speak to them.  It is highly unlikely you would be believed and could easily be made out to be the 'crazy stalker ex'.  Secondly, you've already mentioned she has spoken of r/o's and you do not want to push your luck with how serious she is.  Reaching out to others now would only play right into her version of things and could be damaging for you. 

Dargumin, the vast majority of us here are caretaker types, I myself recognise that I clearly have codependent traits.  This is one of the reasons why we are appealing to a pwBPD.  It is also one of the reasons that letting go and lifting the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) can be so hard for many members, myself included.  The kindest thing to do for her is to let her go, to live and learn for herself.  You cannot save her.  Nobody can unless she is ready to acknowledge and accept for herself the destructive patterns in her life.  Interventions and informing people of your suspicion could actually drive her in the opposite direction to that.  Time now to allow yourself to detach and focus your time and energy on healing.  Have you read the article Surviving a breakup when your partner has BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality)?  I'd highly recommend it if not, and if so, it would be worthwhile recapping.  It contains the 10 beliefs that keep us stuck, and I'd love to hear which of these you feel still apply to you?

Love and light x 

I have a 10 year relationship and didn't know what BPD was until a few months ago.  My wife has a very small circle of people that she confides in.  I reached out to her mother(BPD) which was of no use.  I also reached out to an older mature friend of hers and that friend told my wife that I hated her.  Total backfire.

I also found out who my replacement was and I reached out to him via LinkedIn.  I honestly wish I had not done that either in hindsight.  It just makes me look jealous and petty.

I honestly believe the best thing you can do whether you want your SO or not is to move on and focus on yourself. 

My BPD wife is impossible to reason with, especially if she feels stressed, so reaching out to other people and painting her in a negative light to get my side of the story out there did nothing but break her trust.

Hi Dargumin,

You have good advice so far. Harley Quinn mentioned co-dependency and I'd like for you to think about enmeshment (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.10) and putting other people's needs before your own.

She's threatened you with a RO really think about that.

You're self protecting ( no contact ) with your exe maybe think about extending that to her family and friends. No contact is to give you adequate time and space to detach and to heal your wounds.

Take the compassion that you're directing to your exe and turn it toward yourself with self compassion and self love. Take really good care of yourself.