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One of the things I have learned in dealing with my BPD husband is to not engage when he snaps at me or says hurtful things.

It is just so incredibly hard because I have a lot of pride and it is really difficult for me to not stick up for myself when he intentionally says things to try and cut me down. It feels so wrong to just walk away or be silent when someone snaps at you for no reason or is angry or stressed about something and takes out on you by beng really cruel. For example: when he is angry at his mom he generalizes me and all women saying we are all worthless and manipulative. Neither of things are true about me and if I try to defend myself and say that is underved and disrespectful he just gets even more angry and verbally abusive towards me, in turn making it even harder to walk away.

How do you set aside your pride and just detatch from someone who you love so much? I know detaching and walking away can help de-escalate and prevent even more hurtful words and cruelty but I just have the hardest time taking verbal abuse like that and just walking away. Half the time I can’t even “validate” because the things he says are just so hurtful that there is no explanation or rationality behind them for me to even say I understand!

I am just so frusterated! Even when I do manage to walk away and disengage I he never apologizes. I will wait hours and sometimes days hoping he will recognize that what he said was cruel and hurtful but he never acknowledges it. If I wait and then try to bring it up the next day and say “hey what you said the other day was really hurtful and I felt really disrespected and taken advantage of” he just gets angry.

I just don’t know if I am up for a lifetime of just “taking it” from my husband all the time. I don’t want to detach myself from my husband like that all the time because the more I do it the more permanent that feeling of detachment becomes! What kind of marriage it that! I can’t be close with my husband for fear of getting hurt all the time.

How do you do it?

Hello holsw, welcome to the boards!  I am so sorry that you are on the receiving end of disrespect and hurtful words.

I found in my own relationship that as soon as I stopped trying to defend myself, and stopped trying to convince my wife in the moment that she was wrong, I saved myself a bunch of energy and kept from making things worse.  Learning to avoid defending myself was a definite improvement.  It wasn't just about avoiding conflict.  By defending myself, I was essentially admitting that what my wife was saying was valid enough to be threatening.  If you're getting total garbage coming at you, avoiding engagement actually shows strength.  You can learn more by following this link about how not to JADE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0).

You might also find this link on Surviving Confrontation and Disrespect (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287068.msg12704923#msg12704923) to be helpful.

I understand what you are saying about validation.  Part of validation is avoiding validating the invalid.  But validating feelings is almost always a safe bet.  You mentioned that sometimes your husband is stressed about something and takes it out on you.  Can you try to point him to the thing he is stressed about, and help him tap into his feelings about that, and validate them?  Might there be opportunities to support him on those stressful things, perhaps pile on some validation about them, before he turns his emotions on you?  I am not implying at all that you should take responsibility for his disrespect towards you.  He owns it.  If you try to help him, you'll be in extra credit territory, but may find that the effort is worthwhile.  None of this is easy.  It's pretty messy.  No approach works perfectly or all the time.  Keep at it.

Finally, I'd encourage you to stick with us and become a regular here.  Read and reply to others' posts.  Read the resources on the right sidebar and in the banner above.  Become a part of this community.  We are glad you are here!

WW