BPDFamily.com

Its been quite a while since I have posted on here. Things have been improving quite well since my pwBPD has been engaged with DBT and I have certainly enjoyed the last few months together.

We have just enjoyed a lovely holiday and things were looking good. Now I am not naive and know this illness can rear its ugly head from apparently nowhere and on return this is just what has happened. I can probably even see the triggers:

1. Three weeks away from his therapist.
2. Post holiday blues (back to reality)
3. The fact that I am unwell due to severe back pain limiting my ability to do very much.
4. Christmas.

I think the lack of contact with his therapist had increased  his 'neediness' on support from me and he was trying to use me in this sense but whatever I tried to say to support him was turned back on me with the usual cry of 'you don't understand'. Quite true of course as it is not possible to know what is happening in his head and although I am familiar with the tools of DBT I am not a therapist and certainly cannot act as his!

As for the holiday it was an exageration of the blues we can all feel but this was more "I don't want to be home - I hate this place and everybody here'.
As I see it blaming his feelings on external factors, place/people rather than his own internal feelings.

Yesterday was awful, from being helpful having accompanied me to A&E the previous night, he transitioned into being very controlling. I said that I really appreciated his help but the best help he could give me was to let me rest quietly and that I would ask for help when I needed it and not try to do anything that would aggravate my back pain.

This lead to him stating that he was so concerned about me (I think dangerously obsessed is a better descriptor), that he was concerned about my death (not planning on it yet   :)) and a whole host of 'stuff' from the past and he became increasingly emotionally dysregulated. I think he managed to blame everyone he had ever met in his life for all his problems and the usual life is not worth living. It was a throwback to past behaviours not seen for quite a while, and really I cannot do anything about that apart from keep re-affirming my support and understanding that he feels hurt. Certainly I was not left in peace to rest, and his neediness hit the big time.

For the past few days he has been talking about how Christmas has to be perfect, actually the past few have been fine - always by lowering any expectation and just taking it easy. This desire for perfection on his part in the more distant past has always led to chaos, dinner being thrown in the garden, presents in the dustbin - I really thought this was behind us but the warning flags are there when 'perfect' is mentioned. As I get older I like Christmas and the pressures it makes on vulnerable people less and less.

Well despite trying to work with these factors ( I would usually absent myself for a period) I am trapped at home due to my bad back thus difficult to employ that strategy. He has a habit of 'filling the house' when in this state and I simply asked him to give me some peace and allow me to recover. Of course this did not happen - by now the emotions had flooded his brain.

This in the end led to what I can only see as an extinction burst and despite my best efforts to calm the situation he eventually became aggressive and I had to call the Police. Not to get him arrested but to get some help in calming him down and initially this seemed succesful. We even talked more calmly afterwards and I had hoped he could see that these powerful feelings were transient and would pass.

Today of course he wants nothing to do with me, wants to end it all etc, etc. This is of course my fault because I called the Police - I have always made it clear that aggression and threats will not be tolerated. He has clearly stewed all night and you know, there is really nothing I can do about it

So how do I feel?

 Well of course disappointed that at the moment the good work of nearly a year of DBT can be thrown so easily.

Quite calm in a way because he has locked himself away upstairs I get the peace I need to help my physical recovery knowing that there is nothing I can do about his internal feelings and reacting to any nasty comments will do nothing for my own peace and serenity.

Detached I think, after all I can only work on my own attitudes and feelings thus this has been a reminder of how this illness can rear its head at any time, and that I did not cause it, cannot control it nor cure it. Moreover despite a technical understanding of the illness I cannot really comprehend it.

What I don't feel is vengeful or angry, nor a victim. I made a choice to support him through therapy and can see that at the moment he is in 'child' mode with little chance of the professional support he needs due to the Christmas break. Thus he has the choice to re-engage or not.

So what I am going to do about it? - Well in a sense nothing other than concentrate on getting better - I may need back surgery in the New Year but am just taking one day at a time. Christmas will come and go and if its on my own so be it.

Finally to continue to review my future, again I can only take one day at a time and if there is one thing that becomes clear is that having lived with this illness for 13 years now I too have come a long way. I am open - minded on the future and not tying myself down to either continuing the relationship or ending it.

Thanks for letting me share and I wish you all the best the holiday season can offer you

Ortac xx

Hi ortac77,

I can relate to your post so much I feel like I could have written parts of it! I am catching up a bit after a very stressful time, and my h's kids are visiting so the stress is even higher for me at the moment, but just wanted to say thanks for your post and please keep posting and sharing and commenting on other's posts. It sounds like you have some wisdom and experiences we can all benefit from!

Does New Year's Eve also have a lot of expectations around it regarding "perfection"? Sorry to hear about your back pain. I have some aches and pains that keep me a bit grounded at home, more than I'd like... .I'd kill to be able to go out and run everyday and burn some of this stress off by my feet and knees just won't allow it anymore! I want to ask this, out of similar fears I have, but... .if you do have this back surgery do you feel your partner will be there for you? Or... .? 

I must go eat, haven't been doing enough of that lately... .hope you are doing well today!

Take care, pearlsw.

It may not feel like it at the moment but congratulations on detaching. It sounds like you handled his dysregulation with a clear head and clear boundaries.

Does it feel like one dysregulation completely erases a year of mostly successful DBT?

It is hard when things go so well to have them fall apart. It is a very real reminder that BPD is a lifelong issue. The good thing is now that you have some practice with things going well under your belt, hopefully it's easier to get back to that place again.

Hi Pearlsw

Thanks for your comments, it is I think inevitable that this disease causes us to be under stress and the holiday season is a very difficult time.

In the event Christmas has been very quiet and my pwBPD made a nice dinner Christmas Day having apologised for his previous outbursts and I have   maintained a cordial and open atmosphere and simply reiterated that I support him and understand that he was distressed.

I think we have established no expectation of New Years Eve, in fact I have suggested that we have a Chinese takeaway and a quiet evening.

As for any surgery I am hopeful my back problems will be resolved by more conservative means but have already worked out that should I need surgery I think I would book a little time in a local convalescence facility as that would probably be in my best interests, its not that I do not trust him just that I have developed a realistic understanding of how he struggles to cope with any illness I have, I think given the early death of his own parents i can sort of understand the catastrophic thinking.

I hope that things improve for you

Ortac x

Hi tattered Heart

Thanks for your comments, and no I don't think one dysregulation erases a year of DBT, on the contrary I am aware of this being a long and sometimes 'rocky road', at least we have also now been able to calmly talk about it and that has given me a chance to reiterate my support whilst at the same time (internally) reinforcing my own boundaries.

He thinks he had probably been drinking the other evening ( I knew that of course but did not say so) - again he has now acknowledged that was not wise and he will deal with his therapist on better use of the strategies he is learning.

Its been somewhat challenging being in pain myself but of course that means it can be done as long as I keep the focus where it belongs.

Well less than 24 hours after my last posting, emotional outbursts again at 2 am here - lovely - today being my birthday as well!

Still kept detached, still didn't JADE - alcohol definitely involved and a lot of emotional outpourings that I will not even try to make sense of.

Found it impossible to get back to sleep so feeling pretty tired and keeping a handle on my own emotions, seeing my family today and the tiredness coupled with my back pain will make it difficult but I love them and they me so am still looking forward to it. Doubt my pwBPD will join me and that is just as well.

I made it clear in the past that whilst I could work with the BPD provided my partner was in therapy what I will not deal with is the effect and exacerbation alcohol has on the condition, he is not threatening me or anything like that but it nevertheless feels abusive, indeed is abusive I believe.

I need sleep and the clear head that will bring before I decide on my next steps, I will stay in a local hotel tonight to ensure that I get the much needed sleep

Ortac x

Oh Ortac, that's horrible. I'm sorry you are going through this when you are already in pain.

It sounds like your partner is really struggling with the season and being away from therapy, maybe using alcohol as a crutch, but you seem to have a good attitude and approach to it. I like that you are remaining detached and maintaining your boundaries.

Although it's not the best of times - Happy Birthday! I hope you have a lovely day with your family!