BPDFamily.com

Dear All,

Because of my recent broke up less than a month ago, I started to search things which was wrong with my girlfriend. I found out what was wrong with her, she is a BPD. However something has to be wrong with me too because I attached her no matter what.

After I read here a lot, I realized I a bit have narcism not a lot but I have and codependency.

- I feel unhappy when I am alone even if I am not attached at that moment.
- Feeling of abandonment is really hard for me.
- I dont want her to care me a lot but I like that she is dependent on me with her happiness.
- I am too much in with her problems. And I am not able win emotional warfare at the end because when she realize when it is come to broke up I am very fragile.

I need your help, and I need to hear from the people who have already overcome with it.
How can I overcome it?
What steps should I take?
How long does it take?

Please share with me some good resources that I can use to heal myself.

Thanks

We have this article with a link to a discussion at the end.  Do you find it helpful?

Codependency and Codependent Relationships (https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships)

Hi

I already read it. But I want to know how can I overcome with it. Is there anybody who changed himself? What was the experiences on the way? What was the practices?

I also have ADHD since childhood. I will be visiting the doctor this week. After my failing relationship I got my lessons so I want to be a much better person and solve everything about me that I can catch.

Hi pest.

The link by Turkish is a great place to start.

In addition, my experiences at CoDA (codependents anonymous) were exceptionally positive in terms of overcoming certain codependent traits. I'm  extroverted so group work is natural and helpful for me.

For others it might be easier to work one on one with a professional.

It's like most things in life. The harder we work at recovery the better the results.

Be patient with yourself though. This takes time... .most likely years. Take it one step at a time.

 

Hi, I have struggled most of my life with co-dependency issues. I couldn't even accept that I have been co-dependent in all my relationships. My type of co-dependency is mostly compliant so I find it extremely difficult to voice my concerns to people who behave in a way I find hurtful or that violates my boundaries because of my really severe abandonment issues. So I would leave it for so long, letting everything pass until I had no space to even be a person and then I would object and they never knew where it came from and felt that I rebelled against a dynamic/pattern that of course worked for them. So they abandoned me.

I have been working on allowing myself to feel that I actually have the right to object as soon as something doesn't sit right with me. It's not been easy and just these days I decided to tell a guy I have been dating that I am not ok with certain things. It took me a long time to decide what to write, how to express myself and to just accept that I will be fine whatever the outcome. It really is a question of self-preservation and deciding that your well-being matter more than being in a relationship. When I first heard that I felt like I would be condemned to a life of loneliness and being single, but the point is that when we start to feel our own worth we draw people to us that value us the way we see ourselves. That is why it never works to try and salvage a relationship without working on your own issues. Because our outer physical reality is a reflection of our beliefs about our own self.

Most of the work I have done has been therapeutic, looking at my core issue of self-loathing, being super gentle with my own inner fragile self. I have done this in therapy and in mediation. It has been a slow process but it works. And then I have dared to stand up and advocate for myself. I have had painful processes on the way, and I have lost friends and I did lose my relationship with my BPDex, but now that I am past that I feel liberated. That relationship would never have been fulfilling for me, and would always keep tearing me apart instead of building me up. I still learning though but I know that the only way is through this so I cannot stop.

I wish you all the best and know that you can overcome this, and you will 

I'm probably going to join one of the online CoDA groups. There's isn't a local meeting, and driving 45 minutes each way during the week is too much time for me.

That's great. Perhaps go through for a face to fsce meeting once per month. As an investment in self care