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Slipped last night.   Did some cyber stalking.  She’s with a super rich guy for 1 year now and is “so happy” with the love of her life.  We were together and married for 8 years.  Recycled idk 8 times as well.   Weird part in every one of her Instagram posts she says “out with bae”.  “Date night with bae”.  But not one picture of him.  Not one.  Her driving his car.  Her living the life on boats and trips.  Money on top of her.  The other half she’s half naked for the world to see

Me I am within months of getting engaged to my best friend in the world. The girl that I never thought I would find.  Never thought someone like this existed.  We don’t fight.  I am never on edge.  I would NEVER go back to the drama and pain.  The police being called.   The cursing.  The hate.  Oh the affair (that I caused her to have)


So why do I care?  And how do I move on from that?  I hate seeing her happy after causing me some much pain!  Help

Hi Confused99,

I think it's human nature to feel uncomfortable when we see images that say "My life is great!" after going through so much drama and pain. It can be a blow to the good ole ego, too. I recommend letting yourself feel your feelings, without attaching a story to them. Just feel any sensations and let them move through your body. The mind will want to make everything mean something, but you don't have to buy into the story it wants to weave... .

I'd also be careful about assuming things about your ex's life from social networking sites. I don't think they are reliable information sources, to say the least. 

Congrats on your engagement! That sounds exciting. I'm glad you have found not only a partner, but a dear friend to be your companion. That is a winning combination, in my book. Try not to worry about feelings that come up here and there. You may always care for your ex.—that's okay. She doesn't dominate your life anymore. 

heartandwhole

Thanks I know it’s mostly show on social media.  Just hating her get what she wants.

It might not be what she wants, but she's not going to let the world know she's unhappy.

I found my ex has about a two year cycle. We were happy for about two years and fighting for about one year and then I broke it off. She's been with new rich guy for about two years and just last week tried to recycle with me. And I think that's about how long it lasted with the guy before me.  Maybe it won't be an 8 year cycle for you but I have a feeling she'll track you down eventually. If she doesn't, you should feel lucky and happy.

Wouldn't be so sure that everything she says is true.  She might think it is, might try to make other people think she is but how happy is he and deep down inside, how happy is she really?

People don't generally broadcast how great their life is if it is. Theyre too busy enjoying it.

Whenever I see my exgf posting that things are great or how wonderful things are I don't believe it. I know that when shes in the honeymoon phase she posts nothing. When shes unhappy she will post my lifes so full comments of all the things shes doing just to show how fun she is but its more about convincing herself.

Hi Confused99,

For me, what I experienced,  is that my relationship became some sort of contest.   Who was the better person.    Who was the sick one,... .who was the healthier one.   Who was right.   Who was wrong.   Who was at fault.   There was a lot of blame and shame flying around in my relationship.   Who gets to win.   Who loses.

that's why it hooked me so much.    It was all over my poor self esteem issues.   because I believe if she is doing well than I have to be on the other side of that.  the flip side of the coin of that.

When we look at a multifaceted situation through a binary lens we are bound to miss essential details. It harms relationships, diminishes our well-being and limits our understanding of the world.

It sounds like you are saying, at this point it's not about her... .it's about how much it bothers you.   am I close?    I think I get it.    I hate it when I see my Ex 'winning'.    It's super invalidating to me.    there is an old story about a drowning person who pulls themselves to safety by submerging and climbing up and over their rescuer.   that's the way it feels to me.   My Ex is having a better life now because she used me to climb up over.   and boy I hate that.

what do you think?

'ducks

How do you know she is happy? I used to post picture of trips with my wife where we were also fighting.

I’m posting pictures of things I’m doing on FB right now and I’m not in
the greatest place in my life.

So why do I care?  And how do I move on from that?  I hate seeing her happy after causing me some much pain!  Help

I don't know if it's that you care as much as you want to validate what you experienced... .love with a person who in the end cannot give it back. Someone so unstable she had no ability to hold on to a good thing and on top of that pooped all over it. So it would only stand to reason you'd want to see her fail someone else the way she failed you. "Bae" will suffer a similar fate as you did. Just give it time.

I don't know about you, but for me I have left both my marriages thinking there's no way they find everlasting happiness with someone else. I have no idea if they have or will, but I would definitely be curious enough to check every once in and while.

I am glad you have found a special someone. Enjoy the nuptials.

J

You two were happy at the 1 year mark too. What seems off here (not a rhetorical question)?

She is in a very different relationship with this guy. Connecting with a significantly older man has very different dynamics than two same-aged peers. There are advantages and drawbacks to that type of relationship, the biggest being when she is 42 and he is 80, but even at that, 42 is not too old to start over in another love.  If it was some other 27/65 year old, you wouldn't think twice about it.

So what is it that bugs you? That she is flourishing (or appears to be) in another relationship?   You are, too.

One of the hardest life lessons I learned is that we don't earn love and relationships, there is more to it than that. Some people are better partners than others.

You are in a good and more conventional relationship. She has issues and being in an unconventional relationship with very different demands, might be where she flourishes.

But that's logic. Everyone has shared it, so lets dog down deeper.

What is the emotion here. You know it. You feel it. What are you feeling.

Now that the valuable logic is on the table, can we all talk about feelings without the burden of logic for a bit?

I get it- you gave her your all and still she wasn't happy.  You gave her love which you thought was more valuable then anything on the planet because it is so precious.  Why would another person reject that?  why would they throw love away?  

I have gone through this and then it hit me.  She wasn't looking for love.  She feels uncomfortable with love but feels okay with being wined and dined, taken care of financially even if not loved the same way.  So the superficial rules her world and what everyone thinks about her.  So if the new guy makes her status look like something that she thinks defines love then that could be her thing.  However, the projection of not being able to receive love gets put on us as rejection.  So we feel like they have rejected our love.   But i realized that she competes with her ex husband for how many people they date.  As soon as he moved onto number two she told me (his name) is dating again- and so i was dropped for a new guy so she can keep up I assume?  who knows.   Also is there is trauma bonding- the two of you going through all that trauma together creates a trauma bond.   I am constantly reframing my feelings and as much as it stinks i keep telling myself that maybe if i really care about her i should be happy that she is happy on her level and not look at it as a rejection of me but more of a sort of universal matching game.   Your new love is much better match to you and so maybe he is to her in some way.  Maybe he treats her poorly or more rough and she is a match to that and not a match to your love?  

There is a movie called "I origins"  and it shows a man who went out with a BPD woman who dies and the woman who really loves him.  The new woman is totally better for him, wonderful etc and yet he still thinks of the deceased BPD woman.  Very interesting movie because it demonstrates what we non's go through.   

I know the question wasn't meant for me but I thought I might take a swing at answering it.

The two big emotions on the table for me are anger and hurt.   Not saying they are for you.   

I'm not very comfortable with either, but of the two anger is the one I can 'deal' with best.    It took a long time to get to the point of allowing myself to be angry.     Conditioning from childhood,  I was the one who always needed to be calm.    I've got practice in stuffing my anger and more recently I have had some practice expressing my anger in more appropriate ways.

It's the hurt I don't know how to handle.     I think the hurt is a mix of fear, grief and insecurity.    I don't know how to pull it apart any more than that.   and don't know what to do with them yet.

Exactly. Unfortunately, many BPDs seem to be mirthless creatures. Anyway, you shouldn't know or care. But sure, it must be tough even after a year and you might find her posts galling. Take up a new hobby, do stuff, otherwise those thoughts will weigh you down. Take no notice of her, how come she's on your FB list?

Perhaps worthless. 

Rejection hurts and after being put on a pedestal and idolized (or, your relationship being idolized), to be knocked down is a shock to the system.  If you have a partner who feels guilty about their behavior (e.g. affairs), they may spend time and energy justifying their behavior to others, and to you (if you were more X, I wouldn't have had the affair; our marriage would work, I would still be "in love" with you, etc.).  They may have spent years spreading distortions or outright lies about you to justify their actions.  They can make it personal.  They can act in ways that dehumanize us.  Do your best to not take it personally so that it doesn't destroy your self-worth.  It can feel scary to be left with a sense of worthlessness.  Where is our meaning in life if we aren't good enough for the partner we chose?  What are we?  We may feel empty and even feel despair.

I hope eventually each of us come to a place where we look at their happiness and it doesn't affect us one way or another.  In my case I can understand in my head that I didn't have the tools to build a relationship with someone with BPD/NPD traits, and by the time I figured out what it took, there was too much damage for me to want to put in the work it would take, especially without him also working on his end, and he wasn't interested in therapy to work on himself.  I'm still heartbroken and very sad that my family isn't in tact, and sometimes I feel guilty that my children have to live like this.  Sometimes I feel angry that the life I was building was torn apart by selfish acts, but I'm also relieved I'm not part of his world anymore.  If his new wife enjoys the ride on the crazy train, good for her.

You don't know she's happy! Mind game.  You don't have any idea if he's putting up with the same crap you did.  Don't know the odds but BPD's who leave almost always say they are so much happier now.  BS.  Don't believe it, she's the same person.

Xw has been with her BF for over 3 years. It tore me apart inside that she seemed so much happier. When we were together it was hell for both of us. She never considered me a good husband or good in any way, shape or form for that matter. She never considered our home her home, it was never our money, it was her money in her account and my money in my account, in fact she got very jellous when I had more money than she did. I told her we are married, it's not my money it's our money and it's not my house it's our house but Xw couldn't wrap her brains around this simple concept. It was hell for Xw because she knew she couldn't control the whole situation, she could make me feel like the worse person alive, she emotionally abused me did many horrible mental and verbal things to me but she couldn't control me, she had crazy rules about my family and she knew I wouldn't go along with her insane rules, so that was hell for her and she is probably worse now because as hard as Xw tried, she couldn't break me, she came very close. Now Xw is much happier, it's her house BF lives in, it's her rules, she pulls the puppet strings and BF dances to her tune, therefore this type of relationship suits the personality disordered person very well. BF believes everything Xw tells him with out question, I would question, I would say she was wrong, 2 big no no's with Xw. If it was a snow storm and Xw said it was sunny out, you darn well better agree it's sunny out. I struggled very hard but now see that it was also hell for Xw.

Wow great replies thanks all.  Yes it was always a contest between us about who was right.  Those fights led to some scary nights and some blow out fights.  It’s been over a year since I heard from her so I’m so much better.   I just was not sure what the feelings I had of wanting her to fail was all about.   I mean I want her unhappy although I know it should not matter

Bus Boy-in regards to her new boyfriend: maybe he has no true inner core belief about who he is so he doesn't care how many hoops he has to jump through for her. It might be that it's just taking him longer to realize what's actually going on b/c other areas of the r/s are just so satisfying to him... .I really do think that anyone having even a modicum of self knowledge/respect would not tolerate being in an intimate day to day BPD living arrangement w/o legal complications  for very long. Maybe he is much younger and does not know any better? Of course she is the same person ... .they never change unless they decide to take the steps but those moments are fleeting. They don't think they are the problem... .I believe the perfect match for my ex BPD 'friend' would be a soul-less young adult woman he could lecture, dress up and alter frequently to suit his needs or who he is on any given day. I hope you find peace with this. I know it's difficult.

Sorry. I meant to address my last post to Confused99.

Interestingly, I skipped right to pg 2 here after reading the headline. My first thought was that she's with someone with money. Then I read the intro post, and BAM!

I can't tell you how much drama I could have spared myself if I had a lot of money. I was in no debt made a decent wage when I reunited with my STBx 8 years ago. Now I am $50K in debt and filing for bankruptcy after making close to six figures the whole time.

Money has a way of masking many ills, even at my rudimentary level.

That's all that's going on with your ex now. She's enjoying the luxuries bae can afford her.

J

I agree it does kind of burn you, especially when you did so much for her and she just leaves you hanging and runs off with the next one, and of course she flaunts it all over social media, acting like her life is so perfect. I felt that way too. I helped my ex with a lot of things, with jobs, finances, her daughter, etc. And when the end came, she dropped me like a sack of potatoes, without looking back. Of course she posted all over social media about her new relationship, they are soul mates, they are so in love, always tagging each other in all their activities, trips to New York, the casino, dinners. Obviously people told me not to believe the hype. I tried not to, and then I started to hear things from people in town. I live in a very small town, everyone knows everyone. So of course word got back to me that their relationship on Facebook is not as perfect as it seems. She planned a super bowl party at her house, which her new boyfriend blew off for getting drunk at the local bar. He blew her off for Valentine's day, which I know must have upset her as it is one of her favorite holidays, I always sent roses to her job. Lately they have been hanging out at a local dive bar where druggies hang out,  and he has been openly complaining about her, and all the fighting ha!. I guess the trip to New York must have worn him out, because sometimes she is not an easy person to travel with. Also they say he only comes around on the weekends, and rarely spends time with her daughter. But of course if you go on their Facebook's, they have pics of them together all smiles and happy in love, tagging each other in posts about how much they love each other blah blah, and a pic of them with her daughter acting like the perfect family. So what did I learn from this? That Social Media is all smoke and mirrors, nothing is what it seems on social media. And the more they flaunt it and post krap to show how happy they are, the more they are trying to overcompensate for not actually being happy.

Don't know the % or if their plan or disorder but they almost always are happier in the next relationship.  Reality is different from where our minds take us from what we hear.  She's the same person she was before but what an emotional high to feel like everything is soo much better and you will I assure you how well she is doing.  Don't believe it, it's part of the disorder and game.

My ex wife is so happy with her new husband. Shes walked out on him a couple of times and even talked to her mum about how to start her life again. In 2015 when my sons came to live with me she would visit them. She spent most of the time talking to me and telling me what a C word her husband was. Shes not happy but she wont leave him as she has a comfortable life with nice things. Her husband is a player and has probably cheated on her several times. She knows this but puts up with it as shes too lazy/ scared to go it alone.

Many (not all ) people w/ $$$ have a very superficial outlook on things. Everything comes to them very easily and whatever does not, who cares? They will find something somewhere that does quench immediate gratification. ( kinda sounds a little like a disorder in itself) They think they are privileged & above it all and don't have to dig very deep. When involved with a d/o person, what do you think happens? Not necessarily anything deep or binding which probably suits both parties. And someone is definitely reaping the rewards of financial security. Please ... .this is not a sweeping generalization. Just some insight I've observed... .

My diagnosed BPDexgf has been with the love of her life for just over a year now. I work with her every day, but rarely see her and never engage her. Her non-verbals speak volumes about how poorly her relationship is going... .she has the same picture of them from a year ago on her desk; she got no flowers delivered for Valentine's Day this year after getting a large bouquet delivered last year that she joyously paraded around the office; she has been getting to work on time for the last month (not wanting to hang around at home, my guess); her happy mask has slipped at work as she appears more down; she's inviting more people to happy hour where she's getting sloshed and getting rides home from males in the office... .

But this is the guy she is going to marry... .he's the one. She was to have a ring at Xmas time but that never materialized as now she is telling people that they are in no hurry to get married and that he has yet to find the "perfect" engagement ring... .

It's our relationship all over again... .as I am now positive it has been the same relationship all over again for dozens of other guys.