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So after being told I am the cause of every problem in udBPDw life, how do you deal with it?

I'm sorry that you are struggling with being blamed.

For myself I don't let myself take the blame. I have a clear understanding of what is my responsibility and what is not and when he tries to put responsibility on me for things that are not mine, I give that back to him. Other times I realize that he just feels out of control and is being accusatory in an attempt to get control back. I try to just go on with my life doing whatever I do during those times.

Our workshop on  Stop Accusations & Blaming  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87204.0) might help you learn some new strategies for handling being blamed.

Could you be a little more specific about what is going on?

Validation can help here to a degree when dealing with individual complaints. What also can is important is always owning up to what we have messed up (not doing so is invalidating and one invalidation requires several validations to right so avoid them). Sometimes it is a mix e.g. I am responsible for some dirt and chaos in the home. She certainly is OCD when it comes to cleanliness (3rd party remark the home is sparkling clean). From her perspective I'm a complete cleanliness disaster and there is no point denying it even when measured with a normal yardstick I'm a reasonably clean guy. Only by admitting that the breadcrumb on the kitchen floor is a sign of the world ending soon I can get also through occasionally that generally one can eat from our kitchen floor. Dialectic messaging   Avoid agreeing on grey - black and white is so much clearer  *)

Excessive ranting about your obvious and enormous faults and shortcomings have to be dealt with either an attempt to validate "upset" and if that does not help with a quick exit (see boundaries).

A hopefully more happy new year  9,

a0

Don't let it worry you know its hard to believe, but it is probably your best chance.

someone with BPD is looking for someone calm and confident even in the face of crazy, it might only delay the inevitable though.

The ranting is continuous as in all day and into the night. I'm expected to take part in my wiping when it is my turn to talk. Per her, I'm a piece of sh1t, a ass, liar, etc. I make mistakes. Everything I do is a mistake. That bread crumb may be the cause of a weekend or week of ranting. The what caused it is generally insignificant and not the crux of the problem. The problem is that my wife is an extremely violent BPD, a bit narsasistic, probably bi-polar, and certainly a mean a-hole. Boundaries do not work. I have tried many times in many ways. I've tried accepting her version of reality just to stop the pain. That's ineffective also. There is no opportunity to heal or just to recuperate from the hell. I see the beauty in those who hang with their SO BPD, who can love them, and who can make some semblance of a life. If one has to see and accept the problem to get better, then she will never get better. So maybe I need to accept the situation for what it is, that she will never change, and make plans to move on.

You only have to reread your last text to know what to do , you aren't in a position to help her so move on , but be super careful it can turn very nasty with someone you outlined.