BPDFamily.com

Hello! Ok, I'm in an ongoing (currently not ongoing, but it's rather to change soon) romantic relationship with a girl, I suspect, probably suffering from BPD. I have my own issues as well, and we're in a kind of stalemate. Since the situation has become yet harder that it used to be, I'd be really relieved if I could hear from you.

My partner

So, my partner. She experienced sexual abuse from one of her parents, which she tends to belittle in our talks, sexual abuse from her partner (three-year-long relationship with rapes and psychological terror). Now, she suffers from chronic stress, fatigue. She's also very scared of practically everything: from sending a text to her uni proferssor, to being evaluated critically. However, she seems totally inconsistent in what she thinks, behaves and how she perceives the world. One day, she might be down, shouting at me that she wants to destroy herself, few hours later - she's totally fine, and the next day she's absolutely radiating with joy.
Right now, she's having therapy sessions in one of the best centres in our city, but I'm not sure how much she benefits from them.

Me

I come from disfunctional family. My needs were almost never met, no privacy, no friends, and social life whatsoever, however, I managed to overcome most of the difficulties and start quite satisfactory life. However, I still cope with some of the issues, with most of them succesfully. I know I sometimes utilize some of the BPD schemes (like emotional blackmails), but with every therapy session I'm at, it's getting better and better, and even my partners says that.

Our relation

Soo. It all started almost exactly two years ago. She was in a relationship that was OK, not very bad, not very uplifting. We met and it started almost immediately. Best times of our lives. Ultimate understanding, same music, same thoughts, same beliefs, etc. But one month later, she suddenly said she'd become scared of me and she tried to get back to her previous boyfriend (some of the things she said were really upsetting). That was a real rollercoaster that lasted for 6 months. She would come back to me, said she loves me and thinks about me and that with me, her life is like she's always been dreaming of. We had some great vacation experiences and the romance was nourishing.
We've let each other into our lives. For three months we lived together in her parents' flat and she would say to me it was great, because finally, she could live her own rhythms of life. You know, living without anyone telling you to do the cleaning at exact time. After I moved to my flat back and she's begun living with her mother again (last November), things became much worse. She would be depressed and sick most of the time and more and more distant. When my father was in a coma, with few chances to survive, she cared more about the fact that her previous boyfriend doesn't talk to her any longer. I could not count on her then. I had also hard time with panic attacks (but anyway, they were not as frequent, as hers). In December, she visited a psychiatrist and was given Valdoxan, which she later refused to take.
Next few months were half good, half bad, but I noticed that whenever we talked about my needs, she would comment that she's absolutely busy with her crises, and that she could not help me or support me. She would break her promises and I'd have some troubles because of that. She would be angry at me, because she considered her birthday gift as not good enough. Also, she had troubles understanding me when we talked about her driving licence exam. She'd said that she must pass it in first term, otherwise, that would mean, she, literally, sucks. And she told it to me, knowing that I'd passed mine in the third term. She wouldn't understand that I might have felt a bit offended or harmed by that. Any talk about me feeling not OK with some things led to a quarrel, because she would (or I might have perceived it that way) immediately say that nothing can be done. On the other side, she had her needs: of me helping her, of me NOT helping her, and all those things weren't communicated (both sides' fault, I think) honestly. In some of those quarrels, I would say that I can't function in such a relationship.
In May, she changed 100%. From a warm person, she became distant, obsessed about her life, her problems, her suffering, her needs. A really surpring situation was when she offered me a lift and she left me about 5 kms from my home, because she wouldn't have time to drive me farther.
In August she was flying to Greece and she made me promise that when she's back, I'd still be by her side, which I agreed to. However, she started Internet romance, and when she came back, she broke up with me, saying that she's not flirting with anyone. The next day, she admitted that she is.
About month later, we became closer again, with her inviting me to her university trip. At that trip she was all about saying how much does she want to kiss me, and whatsoever, but on the third day, she started crushing other guy in my plain sight. When I, however, just talked to some girl, she was furious. She wouldn't react directly, but she told me that later.
After that, we sometimes slept with each other, with mostly her saying that she needs time to trust me again in order for us to be back again. Two weeks ago, however, she started developing a romantic relation with the same guy she crushed on the university trip. She told me that, alonsgide with suggestions that she still loves me (or most frequently, that she doesn't know what she feels about me). Now, after two weeks, they went together to the city that we've had one of the best trips ever, which is the city of my father, who, by the way, passed away recently.
When I told her about my father few days ago, she said she'd help me in any way she could. She offered me to go with me to the cementery, but as we were driving, she said she doesn't have three hours, so I decided to pass. Later on, she told me that all her demons are coming back, alongside with bulimia and whatnot. And then, she admitted to the romance with another guy.

During those two years, she'd break up with me like 10 times and crushed with both guys, they liked her. She says that she's paranoid about me spying on her phone, that me offering her help is a way to control her, and that she's angry that I put most of my problems on her head. From my perspective, I'd never given her any reason to believe I might control her, I even asked whenever I took her phone. Despite that, she still wants to be 'friends' with me, saying that the thought of me being not around is horrible. And that realization that there are no great moment between us anymore rips her apart. AND, that with that other guy, she doesn't have what we had, and it's not even close, so she has a real mess in her head, but 'that's the way it must be'.

I know it's long but I really had to share... .Any thoughts? Is another comeback of hers coming? What should I do? I have much compassion to troubled people, and I know I can handle even most difficult of them. And I know she seeks help and she's aware of her issues. But I started wandering is she troubled or is she just mean, or egoistic, or both? Any help or thought would be appreciated... .Thank you! :)

PS I don't seek 'stay' or 'leave' advice, just insights of the things I can't see on my own, or just another perspective.

Hello rolling_stone, welcome to the bpdfamily!

First, I’ll say that much of what you describe is very common here. It does seem like BPD-like behaviors are at play. You asked if your partner is “troubled” and that’s one way to put it. It sounds like you’re at the stage where you’re  trying to understand your partner’s behaviors (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913187#msg913187).

But first, let me ask YOU a question - what do YOU want? What do you want for your life? What do you want from this relationship? I’ve heard you talk about the choices your partner makes (which, by the way, you cannot control her choices.) But what choices can YOU make? Are you willing to overlook her crushes on other boys? Are you willing to give her more of the “special moments” she’s looking for? That might mean you need to forget about your own needs because her needs are more important. Is that a choice you’re willing to make? Along these lines, you might also want to read what does it take to make it. (https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-4-cols)

These are hard questions rolling_stone - what do you think?

Thank you, DaddyBear77, for the answer and reading all of my longish post :)

Ok, so if it comes to me, my attitude might be a bit uncommon. First of all, I have a lot of compassion for people with issues, because I know they are captives of their own minds. Understanding their behaviors help me cope with my own deficiencies in relations and makes the whole situation much easier. Talking to other people about that (including my therapist) helps as well.
It's not that she crushes on anybody that troubles me the most, but lack of knowledge what might come next.
As for our relationship, I think I'm OK with every scenario that might come, but I'd rather we fight for us than split up. So, if there's an option possible and I have time to think and process, there's a considerable chance, I'll want to give it a try. However, if other opportunity comes (like another person), I'm not about to resign from that new one. It's like 70% for fighting for us, and 30% for letting go, but if I can do something right now, why not?
And, of course, I will want to talk to her afterwards (if she's back) and offer some kind of couples' therapy, if she wants back in.

What troubles me the most right know is that I don't know whether her doing is some romance spree, that she needs to blow the steam off with, or a next relationship with us put in the past. I have some symptoms that might favor for the first option, but I'm a bit paranoid if I didn't come into the first phase of trauma processing - denial.

It’s my experience that past patterns of behavior are a very good indicator of what might happen in the future. For example, if the person in your life with BPD traits (pwBPD) wants to experience the “new love” phase over and over again, it’s unlikely they’ll be happy to “settle down” with one person. The initial phases of a relationship are very different from the later phases. Some people enjoy the rush of a new “fling” while others enjoy the slow comfortable feeling of a long term relationship.

It might help you to look at this difference as simply a different perspective on life. It might seem perfectly clear that the pwBPD is doing the “wrong” thing, but to them (and others), it might be exactly the right thing.

Something that really helps us make better decisions about our lives is to be realistic about the situation were in. If we wish and hope something might change or be different next time, without an honest look at what’s happened over and over again in the past, we might decide to go for something only to be disappointed in the same or similar way weeks, months, or even years down the road.

Well, that's what's problematic to me, because it seems that her BPD struck at full strength not before me in her life and there's not many patterns to observe

Ok, we talked. Three/four days ago she said something's going on with that other guy and that she's happy that we know each other. Today, she's the ice queen, being less communicative than my car. Says she wants to be friends, and that she wants to process all our issues, but in fact, we can't be friends, seeming all shaky, tense, and somehow not natural. Like a mask, or like she's in a monstrous stress.

I have absolutely no idea, what should I do... .

I think you should give space to yourself not to her, you are in panic try to calm down and dont talk to her. Everytime you talk you will repeat and feel worse. She will manipulate you and she suppose to master with it. Dont let her to make you fall down.

I've read a lot about five faces of a pwBPD and it really helps. All her behaviors can be flawlessly understood with that theory. Now, I feel much better :)