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Hi everyone! I'm new here and doing the whole introduction thing. My wife and I have been together for about 4.5 years, and she has been diagnosed with both bipolar and borderline. She got her diagnosis very early in our relationship, so I always knew what I was getting myself into... .I even helped her through a terrible suicidal reaction to Wellbutrin when we'd been dating for a couple of months. That really was the worst she's been during our entire time together.

E. is high-functioning, for all intents and purposes. Other than that awful Wellbutrin reaction, she's always been able to perform well at work and maintain deep, lasting friendships. When she's not in a dark place, she's one of the most loving, generous people I've ever met. But I've noticed over the past year and a half that she's gotten more aggressive and harder to please. She's also started relying on me more to do simple things for her, like go get a snack from the kitchen or let the dog outside. I'm struggling to set reasonable boundaries that will help me get less overwhelmed.

I do have a history of one-sided relationships, or maybe it's more accurate to say that they've been disproportionate. I tend to give more than the other person. I struggle with boundaries. Does anyone have solid advice on figuring out what boundaries are most important and then being super consistent with them? I've been reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder," and they do a lot to explain what's happening and why. But I feel like the tools they provide for improving your relationship are just hard to navigate.

Oh, and I just got a referral from my primary doctor for a therapist, so I'm sure that will help once I'm able to get in to see her.

Thanks for reading this incredibly long post! :)

Hello Pearl3884, welcome to the family! I'm glad you found us.

I'm really sorry to hear things were so dark at first. I had an experience with my wife several years back where she started a new med. She had a similar reaction and she ended up being taken to the ER involuntarily. Starting and stopping meds can be especially hard times.

Another book you might want to consider is Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist (https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/stop-caretaking-borderline-or-narcissist). This has been an incredibly helpful book for me, and it seems like we're in similar situations.

You asked about solid advice for important boundaries, and I'm going to turn that around with a question: what's the most difficult thing you live with every day? Is it your wife asking you to do too much? Is it arguments (you mention "aggressive"? While you're thinking about that question, check out our section on Setting Boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries) and pay close attention to the section on defining values. I feel that this is key to answering the question you asked.

Hi Pearl3884,

the boundary framework on the board is grounded in Values. So the reasoning starts with considering what your key values are where you can not compromise. Let's take e.g. health. Health is vital for you and you consider sleep a very critical part of this. You want to protect your health through protecting your sleep. And you will not tolerate e.g. being berated in bed. Then the question is what can you do and what price you are willing to pay. E.g. you may have a couch in another room and grab your bedding and move there. Of course the first times it will lead to a further blow-up. Possibly you need to line up a hotel as a back-up solution if plan A does not work. Protecting your boundary will initially lead to conflict. It may initially result in expenses. After a few rounds your wife will either stop berating you in bed or you simply move to the couch with limited drama. In any case you protected your sleep and there is no need to fear being berated in bed.

What is very important to you?

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