BPDFamily.com

No contact for 5 weeks, it feels strange, almost like it never happened, I saw her last in August, but the feelings are so strong. She still dominates my thoughts, and I still look to see if she has messaged. I just feel I am slipping, and have lost my way, I suffer from anxiety, and that's also through the roof, no advice, just words of encouragement, I just want me back.

grief is a complex, complicated thing, and it differs for everyone; i find that im pretty familiar with how i grieve, in terms of having some expectation of how i will grieve a given event when it happens, and it still surprises me.

so the short answer to your question is "it might". i certainly felt that way at the time. it wasnt until some five months after my breakup that i was hit with thoughts of suicidal ideation. before that it was daily crying jags, depression, anxiety attacks. before that, i was just a non functioning mess that endlessly ruminated to myself or anyone that would listen. today, i can look back, and i can actually see it all as a form of progress. it was all working through different stages of grief, and they are different, and one stage might be experienced as "worse" than another.

what i would tell you is that grief is simply a bumpy road, and theres very little right or wrong, although we can get stuck at times, and we can go about it in unhealthy ways that might exacerbate our grief. one thing about grief is that, to state the obvious, it doesnt happen all at once, so it emerges and manifests over time. things we couldnt process at the time may show up down the road. its all part of the process, and in that sense, one can see that even if it feels worse, we are dealing with buried pain, and thats part of healing.

its a strong belief of mine that it is essential to fully grieve in order to heal. practicing mindfulness taught me a lot about how i grieve, it took away some of the sting as i was able to just observe and probe it.

looking at the stages of grief (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263) where would you say you are?

Thanks once removed. It's so hard to gauge, like many of us, I have been here so many times before. I am exhausted from all the thinking, my mind just won't be still. I am crying more this time, which is a good release. I am trying to live in the moment, but my anxiety doesnt allow me to do it. I am a naturally impatient person.
I have never reached the angry stage, despite what she has put me through.
I am not being terribly clear, just feel all over the place, but I do know, for the first time since I met her, I never want to go back to that again, so for me, that's progress, small steps hey.

I think I keep moving back and forth through the stages, it's nearly going to be a year. Although I think the contact every few months has always drawn me back in and again given me false hope. Its that child in me I guess that just wants someone to love me again.

I know shes not coming back, and if I am to be completely honest I don't think I could go back my guard would always be up, it would always be waiting for the shoe to drop so to speak. Yet there is still that part of me that hopes for it, hopes to be able to go back to those early days, that still loves her and wants her to still love me.

My rational mind can see it, see that we were both children so desperately wanting to be loved, yet not knowing how to love ourselves. I think I still don't and that's what makes the letting go hard, they gave us something we cannot give ourselves.

Hey Pencil sketch, I like your moniker!  I suggest you continue to acknowledge and affirm your feelings, rather than repressing or ignoring then.  Step Two, in my experience, is to do something proactive to process your feelings.  How to process?  Meet a close friend or family member for coffee to discuss, schedule an appointment with a therapist, write in a journal or do other expressive writing, practice mindfulness, take a walk on the beach or in the woods, climb a mountain, play a musical instrument, let yourself cry just like you are doing, etc.  You get the idea!  It's a challenge, I know, and everyone heals at his/her own pace, so try to be patient with yourself.

LuckyJim