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I've been posting much to the relationship areas, but now its time to post here because there are similarities between my mom and my BP trait ex ------ drama.  My mom had I believe traits, she was never diagnosed. She was emotionally and physically abusive, very beautiful, she attracted admiration from those around her except us, the immediate family, her behavior was the family secret.  My dad was quiet, submissive to her, and did not protect us. I have had much emdr  for the PTSD from my experiences in that family. Lately because I separated from my BP trait ex I went into therapy again to work on the separation. Realized the overlap between my recent ex and my mom. Wow! Now delving more deeply into the damage done by the violent mom and weak dad.  This core work makes perfect sense, just had to get to the place where I was ready.  Someone said that BP folks have an uncanny way of propelling the non BP partner to do their own work, they were/are so right!
Zen606

Welcome to Coping and Healing,  Zen606!

A certain Board Parrot has been known to quip that all roads lead here to this board.  I made my way here also starting on the r/s boards?

How was your mom violent?

And the other way around! The main ( and most obvious) BPD person in my life is my BPD mother and I have done work on my FOO issues.

I married a man who isn't anything like my mother- yet somehow, some similar dynamics that I observed in my parents' relationship were happening in my marriage and I could not figure out how that happened.

I read many books on marriage. I saw some statements that resonated with me- that our FOO's influence our choices of partners in ways we are not even aware of. One of them is boundaries- if we have poor ( either too weak or too strong) boundaries it affects who we pair up with. One is that we "match" our partners emotionally in ways- these are keys to our own issues to work on.

What I brought to my marriage was co-dependency. It was what I grew up thinking was "normal" and I was expected to be compliant with my BPD mother. I was afraid of anyone being angry at me, walked on eggshells, and tried to keep the peace in my relationships. I attracted people who were attracted to these traits in me.

BP folks have an uncanny way of propelling the non BP partner to do their own work.

I am not the one who said this, but I agree! One great thing about doing our own work is that it helps in all relationships- with family, children, romantic partners.

You left your ex and are doing this work. One benefit of doing this is that- when, if - you are ready to date again- your own emotional make up will be different- and who you attract/are attracted to may be different too. I have heard that when people break up and do not do the work, they may find themselves in a similar situation the next time. That seems like a good reason to do it, but the main reason is for you.

Hi Zen606

Happy New Year and I would like to join Turkish and Notwendy in welcoming you to our Coping and Healing community


This is indeed ancient parrot wisdom:
"No matter where you start out at, in the end, all roads lead to Coping & Healing" -- Wise Parrot

When you are raised by dysfunctional/abusive parents, it can be very hard to know what healthy relationships look like. You migth not have liked the way you were treated, but even then, it was still all you knew and all you ever experienced. This was your life, this was life and this was your 'normal'. We take this with us as adults and it is 'normal' to seek out or be attracted to people that have familiar energy. Unfortunately, when you're raised in a dysfunctional environment, the most familiar energy to you might actually be the energy of dysfunction.

It is good that you've been working on healing yourself and these new insights will definitely help you on your healing journey. This journey can be difficult, yet I do believe that by working through these issues, you put yourelf in a better position for continued growth and healing.

I am very sorry your mother was so abusive. You mention emotional and physical abuse, could you give some examples of her abusive behavior?

What wold you say is the main behavorial overlap between your ex and mom?

The Board Parrot

Hi Turkish, NotWendy and Kwamina,
Thank you for responding.

Yes, I agree that what one learns in childhood is perceived as normal. However sometimes there are one or two individuals that do not behave as the family of origin, and if one is fortunate enough to develop a relationship with them, then it helps us in the future.  This was the case for me with my paternal grandmother -- an intelligent, creative woman who lived a very different life from my parents. She also lived 4 flights down the stairs, so I got to spend much time with her! Yay!

My mother was abusive and by this I mean that she was physically violent, she beat us up -- the kids -- and with my dad she would punch him in the arms and push him away hard. She would also throw things around the room, in particular my father's personal things. In essence she would have violent tantrums. After which she would cry sometimes uncontrollably, threatening to leave. 

She was also emotionally abusive, she had a sharp tongue could cut one to shreds with it, called us kids pretty bad names. You'd think she was a sailor!  To my dad she would say things like I hate you, I don't love you, don't know why I married you, and say horrible things about his mother, my grandmother. Once she threw a knife at my father and I when we were sitting on the bed, he was helping me with my shoe laces. Fortunately the knife point got stuck in the floor linoleum, in front of where we were sitting. She was also manipulative, lied, caused much drama at home, and would react to what I perceive/d as small things in an exaggerated, often violent manner. It is this last area that links the Borderline trait ex to mom.

With him all would be well, sailing along peacefully, he was happy with me, so in love, suddenly he would say something totally out of the blue, catching me off guard, I would react and then the drama would begin. He would conceptually push me away, then pull me to him etc. Seems like he wanted me to apologize and run after him?  This drama happened twice within a period of months.  I bought into this for some months and then after 2 breakups I realized it was a pattern, the last break was it for me. I got out of there fast. Mom -- in that particular way -- all over again.  Good thing I was not living with him or had invested in further connecting with him such as leaving some of my stuff at his house! The relationship lasted about a year and some months with 3 breaks total.

In addition he had had a stroke some years ago and did not have the use of his right arm and limped with his left leg. He was also impotent.  These were not important to me because of how I felt about him, but the pattern I saw developing was frightening.

Thanks for your support, you are all spot on.
Zen606

Hi Zen606

I am glad you had your paternal grandmother who was able to show you a different and more positive way of how life could be. For me this person was the youngest of my two older sisters, that indeed really helped while she was still living at home.

Based on what you describe your mother really seemed quite abusive, emotionally ad definitely also physically.


This is very disturbing that your mother behaved this way. How do you feel this violence and particularly growing up with the constant possibilty of violence erupting has affected you?

The Board Parrot