BPDFamily.com

Hello Everyone
I am fortunate to have over a couple years of BPD learning... and have even practiced communication strategies and tools. It has done wonders in allowing me to manage or cope when dealing with my BPD daughter. However, I have reached an impasse with her and cannot figure out where else to turn. She doesn't trust me. She has not lived with me for over 2 years and since the summer, she has decided she will no longer speak to or see me again. During the holidays it has been even more difficult to bear. She and I have had such a strong relationship and now it's nothing. I decided today to join this group to keep myself informed and see what other's have done to help heal relationships or just work through their pain. Thanks to bpdfamily for having this forum. I truly appreciate this!

Hi
I'm a Newbie too.  I don't have a couple of years of experience only a couple of books.  This is my first reply so I hope I do it correctly.   I posted over the weekend but poured out too much.   I am in the same situation as you are.   Just got through the second holiday season without her and just figured out that she likely has BD.  Her brother and I miss her so much.   If you find out any new information that could help us, let me know and I will do the same.   

Thank you for your reply. I hear your pain through your response. First of all, you're here and this is step forward to receiving the help and support you may need. I noticed that there are many helpful resources and lessons on the side bars on this forum. You and your son should remember that family connections and this forum is a resource for you... .to help you cope. I know (not having my child at home to practice these skills with) can make it feel insignificant, but the reality is, you're improving your own communication skills by
being present and mindful. As you improve yourself and accept radically (her condition) you'll find it becomes easier. It still hurts but my experience has been it does get easier to cope (My D has had BPD for over a decade). Moving out has actually been bitter sweet... .as it gives me time to breathe but at the same time, I worry and now she has cut me out of her life full time... .makes it painful.

Find a local Family Connections group in your community to see if you and your son can register in their classes. I have found them very helpful and the skills you learn are life changing! All the best for the new year!

Hi Qishgyrfug

Welcome, glad that you are here, I'm looking forward to reading your posts, I'm sure you have lots that you can share.

You say that your daughter doesn't trust you. Has that always been the case or did something happen which made her lose her trust?

I have the same issues with my uBPD son who no longer trusts me following an argument which he simply cannot get over. We too had a strong relationship prior to this but our relationship gradually deteriorated until he decided to move to another country to live just over a year ago and subsequently went n/c. So I have an idea what you are going through, it's tough.

As you say, it is hard trying to learn new skills when you have no one to practice them with and I agree with you when you say that it can make it feel insignificant. All we can do is our best x

Hello and thank you for sharing
I'm sorry that you too are experiencing this hardship. My difficulties (with trust and abandonment) with my daughter began when i decided to stop coddling and protecting my only child. During her teen years, I began  encouraging her to get out into the world... .make friends... .work... .go to school. She was very attached to me and wanted to everything with me. During that time, the relationship was very codependent, because I too, had been quite anti-social after being in an abusive relationship. However, after long 8 years of solitude, I wanted to begin getting out (with friends and even establishing a special relationship with a partner), but she made it very difficult for me to even go out with friends. She would call my cellphone while I was out, telling me how she would feel suicidal and/or asking me when was I coming home. This made it very difficult for me to keep friends of any type.

After a while I was being accused of not being loving enough and my efforts were unseen. Some time later,  she came off her medication and seemed to be doing well. She became very confident and returned back to school and work. However, two years ago after moving out and being away at school this all fell apart. She wanted me to save her. I didn't respond (the way she wanted me to) by asking her to return back home, but instead I encouraged her to stick things out and possibly find a different path/focus (at school). My response infuriated her and she began resenting me even more.

This was the beginning of her severe distancing (splitting). She decided to live with her father's parents and she stopped talking to me (taking short breaks--a few months at a time, at first). Until this past summer, her uncle passed away and she was upset that after the funeral I left to get a bite to eat with a friend and that I left her at my place for a couple of hours. (let it be known, I fully prepared her that I was doing this before she came back to the house with me and her response was that "she would be fine and that she'd rather be with her cat at my home than amongst the others at the hall", where people gathered after the funeral. I also gave her a final option for me to drive her back just before I left because I was concerned about leaving her alone--however she again insisted it was fine). Nevertheless, she became upset after leaving my home the following day to be with her father. Her claim was that "I disrespected her and the family by leaving her alone while she grieved, her uncle was not even in the ground cold yet and she needed someone and I was not there for her." I spoke to her about respecting people's right to grieve in their own way... .she appeared to accept that at the time, until she spoke to her father later and gave him her rendition and he believed her and encouraged the same belief, that I was cold and callous. From then on, she has not spoken to me and has only let me know that I'm not to be trusted.

This is my lengthy story, which has been abridged to save you from all the dramatic details.

No matter all the strategies and tools I have used to attempt to bridge the gap, I have not been successful, and she says that I'm not to be trusted---I am and will be in the black. I have family and friends who say, "you know it's just a phase... " but as you may know that it may or may not be the case, and in theory it may be true, but it's never going to feel that simple. The fact is, is that I have radically accepted her diagnosis but she hasn't and I will have to wait for that to happen before I can ever see changes in our relationship.

Hi Qishgyrfug

Sorry to hear of the broken contact, but it sounds like you are doing things that are healthy for yourself and that you need to do.  I hope that maybe by supporting your own emotions, then you can reach out without needing a response, reassure her that you do care for her permanently even if she has gone nc, and from your place of loving detachment offer the support that you are willing to offer in a consistent way.  At least you know you are doing the right thing and in time she may come to appreciate your stability and support and respect your boundaries. 

I know it can be very painful but it sounds like you are in a growth stage for yourself?  How are you doing?  Have you heard indirectly how your dd is doing?

Best wishes for you and your daughter