BPDFamily.com

Hi, new to all this! A couple of weeks ago my fiancee was diagnosed with BPD. We both knew there was something wrong but it has now been confirmed. My question is how do I deal with it? There is plenty of advice out there on the 'net but I cant find someone to talk to. I have to be careful about everything I say and do. Since she was told she had BPD, she blames everything she does on this condition. She is getting help soon but I don't know how to deal with it in the mean-time. For example,  last night she grabbed me by the throat, pinned me up against the wall and was screaming in my face... .she then called an ambulance for herself and whilst they were here she self-harmed. She was taken to hospital and treated but when she got back this morning she called the police because I got out of bed to get ready for work! The police told me to go out, get a coffee, (I work from home) and then come back when she has had some sleep. I have no-one to talk to and can't find any numbers to get advice. Reading things online is one thing but I really need to speak to someone. Any help would be much appreciated. Thank you.

Hi daveym10,

Welcome and hello  :)

Last night sounds pretty scary for both of you. Amazing that she called the ambulance, and worrisome that she called the police. How were things when you returned home?

Not all BPD loved ones become violent, but it sounds like your fiancee may be prone to physical aggression. Has she done anything like that before? What events led to her diagnosis?

While you wait for her treatment to begin, there is a book  that might help called High Conflict Couple by Alan Fruzetti that uses DBT techniques to de-escalate conflict.

Can you tell us more about what happened right before she grabbed you by the throat? Sometimes it's easier to work with an example and go from there, to point out some communication skills that could help in those moments.

Many of the skills are not intuitive and must be learned.

Glad you're ok, and things didn't get worse than they already were for you.

LnL

Hi daveym10,

*welcome*

I am glad that you found the community here. A lot of us have this shared need to talk to others about the difficult stuff we experiencing. Many of us have partners who are undiagnosed so in a way consider yourself lucky that you both recognize what is going on. You can learn a lot here about how to deal with it - that's the good news. Adjusting your communication style can make a big difference. You will be learning a lot here about "not JADE-ing", about how to validate her emotions, but not validate things that are invalid. There is a lot to learn and you will make mistakes along the way... .and likely continue to face crises... .but you have a chance, if you take it. The first thing you must do though is just get ready to change yourself, in positive ways, in order to make this situation more livable. I don't know of any hotlines to talk to folks, but you have the community here okay? You are not alone in this! (There are very helpful lessons on the right hand side of the board --->

May I ask what led up to your fiancee getting her diagnosis? How does she feel about the diagnosis? Is she willing to seek treatment?

What more are you wanting to say to someone about this? Do you have access to a therapist? That is great if you can find one, but keep in mind there are regular folks here who also can provide a lot of the additional, more daily support you might need with this as this all unfolds... .

wishing you the best, pearlsw.