BPDFamily.com

This is a two part question.

1. I went No Contact (NC) with my BPD mom last month, when she crossed the line from hurtful to cruelty the last time I saw her. However, back when she was still enmeshed in my life, I granted her access to volunteer in my child's classroom twice a week. So even though I'm NC, she still has access to my child (her grandchild) on a regular basis. I don't want this anymore. How do I put an end to this without causing a scene? I refuse to contact her directly about this (even the thought of that makes my heart race.) I don't want my son's school to know too much about our family issues. BUT blocking a grandma's access to her grandchildren is seen as reprehensible to people who don't fully understand the situation.

2. My kids have been very well shielded against my mom's behavior, to the point they both love her dearly. They miss her and ask about her. She lives nearby, and we can't pass her house without them begging to go to grandma's. I make excuse after excuse. This is very painful.

What's the reason to have her quit the classroom volunteering? Is it hurting your child?

Although bringing this up with her is possibly going to cause a scene, a bigger scene to me would be if she showed up at the school and was told she can't see them. Grandma escorted out by security would be quite a scene.

This is a touchy situation. My mother was not a danger to the children when they were little and always visited with my father, so she was not unsupervised with them ( I would be concerned about that). So visiting at school- where she would be in public - would not worry me much.

However, what did concern me was triangulation and when they were teens, my mother wanted to have a relationship with them and try to triangulate them against me. She also has poor boundaries and treated them either as a peer, or manipulated them to do things for her and be her confidants. They were not able to do this when they were little, but as teens they were. Basically, she was enlisting them as her emotional caretakers and that was something I felt I had to intervene with.

Yes, she told everyone that I was "keeping her from her grandchildren" and I am sure her friends and family thought I was a horrible person for doing this, but they only see my mother at her best, not behind closed doors like her immediate family does.

I didn't break contact with her, but as kids get to be teens, they naturally get busy and are not available to spend a lot of time with my mother. They call her on holidays, her birthday , she calls them on their birthdays- but they also at this age have boundaries. I expect them to act polite and respectful to their grandparents, but they have my permission to have strong boundaries with my mother.

You could cut contact if you feel you need to, or you can allow some contact between your kids and your mother- supervised by you, or the school staff and then as they are teens reinforce their own boundaries.

I just worry about triangulation. Indirect emotional manipulation from her to me through my child.

You're absolutely right about that. That would make this situation far, far worse.

I actually wouldn't have a problem with her seeing my kids without me, as in my husband drops them off. But that will NEVER happen, no matter how much she misses them. She feels that babysitting is a bargaining tool rather than a chance to see grandchildren, and I somehow I have never met her criteria for deserving babysitting. She claims I keep her from her grandchildren, but at the same time won't see them without one of us there to help her with them.

Keep in mind the victim triangle- she isn't going to take responsibility for her part in this- and will likely blame the lack of contact with her grandchildren on you, or somebody else.

It's unfortunate, but the nature if the problem- relationships are affected by BPD.

If my mother thinks I want anything that she controls- it becomes a bargaining chip. It doesn't matter what it is- if I want it, and she can control it- that is what she does. I learned early on- as a teenager- to not depend on her or want something from her.

There is no way I would have asked her to babysit.

Consider that she is likely to do this with your kids when they are older as well. She does it with mine. Although she tells people I am "keeping her from her grandchildren" - they aren't comfortable around her and so they don't stay in contact with her much.

Thank you. Glad to be out of the FOG for good but this is so painful. No other family.

I am on the opposite end, my daughter is BPD and I have my grandson and have had him for almost 9 years.  I too shielded him as much as possible from his mom's (my daughters) behavior but as he has gotten older he has seen more of it.  I understand how hard it feels, you love them as they are part of you and at the same time you fear them and want to stay away.  I know that talking to her is probably not going to go over well so for me, now that my grandson is almost 13, i have started talking to him and he has discussions with his counselor about how she behaves.  It is really hard, he loves his mom so much but as he gets older he has to start to understand who she is so that he doesn't hurt or feel that he did something wrong.  Maybe it is selfish of me but I want him to be prepared to handle her and her behavior instead of like me and just thinking that it was all my fault.  Talking to the school is hard because like you I like to keep my family issues private, maybe because I was ashamed, I don't know, but they have been very supportive with my grandson and with me.  It felt ok knowing that if he needed extra support, he could have someone at school that he could talk to.