BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

I have a really long and in-depth post from nearly a year ago (found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=306798.msg12926359#msg12926359 ) that describes both my then and now fairly well. Things have actually gotten worse this year. The holidays were absolutely miserable and the day after Christmas I was essentially kicked out of my house 3 different times, finally spent the night at my parents, went back the next day to help her through a shoulder surgery, and after another big fight trying to get her sling adjusted finally moved out. I feel terrible that I'm doing this while she is recovering from surgery, but I've been trying to deal with her for a very long time. We've been married for 8 years now and I've noticed issues for the past several years. They didn't get totally out of control until about 3-4 years ago, but I digress. I have made myself as available as possible, though, and have spent most of my time at the house with the family and her to try and take good care of her. My care is refused more often than not and I worry about her surgery holding. It's a very awkward and uncomfortable situation, though.

After having issued an ultimatum a year ago she started seeing a Naturopath and a therapist who specializes in mindfulness and meditation. This fulfilled my ultimatum, but a year later our problems are even more exacerbated. I was also never in-the-know about her time in therapy. This time I told her (as lovingly as possible) that I suspected BPD and that I needed her to intensify her therapy, include me, or go to a residential treatment center. Or I would pursue a divorce. All of this was at the advice of two separate therapists I've seen. My typical therapist suspected BPD 2 years ago, but I didn't want to believe. The other is a leading BPD therapist in our area and listened to my story for about 30 minutes before he told me his suspicions and advised me to either get her to him for a diagnosis (yeah right. ESPECIALLY after he had seen me first) or to make a choice between a life of misery or a new one. Basically, issue an ultimatum, file for divorce, and give a time limit.

So here I am right, wrong, or indifferent. Staying away from my family and trying to balance time with my kids without triggering my wife while also trying to convince her to save our marriage. Or at least to make her best effort. Sometimes she is on board, but every time the discussion gets deeper it creates a huge fight. I refuse to fight any more and just leave to my corner. That is one of my lines right now. I have been trying to get her to seek marriage counseling with me for YEARS and my patience for this is waning. I love her dearly, though, and want more than anything to make this work.

I don't know what I'm seeking from this board. Advice? Friendship? A place to ___ and use as a diary? Probably all of that and more. This is the hardest time I've ever experienced. My wife always said I had lived a charmed life :)