BPDFamily.com

Hello to all my BPD friends,
I don't really like to trash talk the mother of my child who has traits of BPD but I'm suspecting she may be a sociopath.  Here's why, she does things with little or no remorse but then has no recollection of that event even happening.  During court mediation battles I sat there and watched her deny things with a straight face, so straight that I almost believe her myself and thought I was going crazy until I reread all the text messages and emails. (Gaslighting)  I know a trait of BPD is lack of remorse but dosn't a sociopath have no conscious of their actions.  I'm really frustrated that my son may develop those traits as well.  Anyone with similar issues.

It's really tough what you're going through, fighting in court for the well-being of your son, not to mention feeling invalidated by your ex in the process, in front of a judge.

Court is pretty stressful, even for someone neurotypical. And people with BPD don't handle stress well, even in the best of times.

Understanding the way intense emotions affect cognition, it's a bit easier to understand why someone with BPD has trouble with recollection and memory. Most people don't remember things well when we're extremely emotionally aroused, and that state of emotion is pretty common for a BPD sufferer.

Also, having no real sense of self, she will see reality through her feelings (feelings = facts), looking for clues outside herself that justify those feelings. That's different than having no conscience about knowingly harming someone.

I understand why you might be wondering if she feels remorse, and it's hard to know one way or another how she feels... .I'm not sure it's fair to say that people with BPD have no remorse. I have a BPD loved one in my life who experiences crippling remorse about everything, to the point she at times cannot function and becomes suicidal. The problem is that her feelings overwhelm her to the point she cannot focus on making things right with others, because she's too preoccupied trying to keep herself from drowning.

Someone with intense emotions, who cannot regulate them, may do anything to stop the pain, especially in that moment. Then, when confronted with the consequences, the shame of those actions just keeps the cycle going, so that others must be blamed if only to survive the ongoing intensity of pain and shame and self-loathing. It's a terrible way to cope.

How old is your son, and what in his behavior makes you worry that he will develop BPD? How do you interact with him when he is emotional or acting out?

I believe a sociopath has no moral compass, or something like that.  My own lawyer, after a frustrating day in court, exclaimed "She must be a sociopath, she could take a lie detector test and pass it!"  Generally he usually called her Crazy or F*Nuts.  I always considered her first Paranoid (all traits), Borderline (most traits) and Narcissistic (some entitled traits).  But the reality — which many have experienced here in their own cases — is literally no one cared to diagnose her, all the professionals in and around court studiously avoided any diagnostic labels, instead they focused on the behaviors and behavior patterns.  They kept it simple, no attempts at fixing people, that was admonition for us too... .whatever the diagnostic traits displayed, focus on the behaviors and behavior patterns.

My last time in court, a period which covered 2005 to 2013, I presented about 10 phone recordings concerning exchanges where she went out of her way to not only disparage me but also complicate/sabotage our exchanges.  After playing each one, my lawyer asked her, "Is that you in the recording?"  Invariably she replied, "I don't remember it but that's my voice."  Yeah, she was in rant-and-rage mode.  There was testimony where she denied conversations with the GAL.  (Note to self, don't ever deny a verbal interchange with your child's lawyer.)  The court's decision was that either she was lying or had memory issues, neither good.

"Mother denies the testimony of the GAL, and ultimately accused the GAL of telling lies.  Mother denies that she disparages Father in the child's presence... .  Mother cannot have it both ways.  In the event she does not remember, then the Court finds that the GAL's and Father's recollections of the conversations are more credible.  Alternatively, Mother must be lying about being unable to remember things that would place her in a negative light."

Maybe she truly didn't remember but she had to be aware at some level because they were so artfully entwined with her determined actions to sabotage me.

I used to question myself too about things she was saying. Then, one time in court, ex was on the stand making up some kind of story. It sounded really good, her tone, the details, etc. I had no defense to prove she was lying. I picked up a blank piece of paper, leaned over, handed it to my attorney, and simply said she is lying. My ex was looking in my direction as she was speaking. Miraculously she had a change of memory and modified her story to the point of acknowledging the truth. From that point on I always assumed she knew when she was lying.

@Livenlearned-I worried that my son will grow up thinking its ok to have no boundaries.  My son is 2 years old and I'm trying my best to do everything I can legally to get more time.
@David-Yup, I told my attorney about your blank piece of paper a few months and she thought that was very clever.

It seems like she can't admit to being wrong in court and its so frustrating.  I really believe she has huge issues and I'm just worried my son will feel its ok to lie.

A sociopath is a criminology term. Does she have a history of crime, legal problems, or impulsive aggressive behavior?

Family law lawyers toss this stuff around. Divorce is very stressful and frankly tossing these things around is profitable for the lawyer.

People lie and manipulate in family court. It's very commonplace and well documented.

My only reason to say this, is don't let the process inflame you and make it settlement harder to reach. Keep your eye on the ball.  :)

Years back this site used to talk about being emotionally detached. Over time that idea sunk into my head and I got better at it. I don't let my ex "rent space in my head" like I used to. As I got better at it my ex lashed out in emails since that was our only form of communication. She used to yell at me in emails by capitalizing sections. It was after a few that I realized what she was doing and it was not just a typo. Kind of made me laugh but I never replied to her about it.
I had to figure out what I believed to be best for our boys and act accordingly no matter what my ex threw at me. When she understood that I was no longer taking the bait she learned to stop. That process took a few years.

If you want more background, pick up a copy of, "The Sociopath Net Door."  Opened my eyes a bit.  I feel as you do that my exuBPDNPDw is as much a sociopath as she is a BP.  Constantly fabricating and putting up fronts and creating a favorable image to others, but as I know all fake.  As ONLY I know.