BPDFamily.com

Good evening,

I am in a long-term committed relationship with a man, we were together for nearly a year before I met his adult daughter who has a combination of BPD, Bi-polar, and some other issues.  Her mother has Bi-Polar and Schizophrenia.  It is very difficult to deal with the lack of boundaries, the manipulation, the mood swings and what feels like catastrophe creation everytime she isn't getting her own way.   She is nearly 30 years old and is still primarily a non tax deductable dependent.

Today is one of the days when I feel as if perhaps I am not cut out to take on the inevitable role of Evil Step Mother.

I am hoping that this discussion board might help as I'm not ready to jump ship just yet.

-ESM2B

 

Hello and welcome ESM!

I'm a full time step mom to two teens that have been living with myself and my DH the past three years. Their mom is uBPD and we strongly suspect SS13 has some mental health issues, though testing has ruled out the more catastrophic possibilities. Still, the thought of having a manipulative helpless-acting "adult" child under my roof in a few years is pretty hard to handle, so I can imagine where you're coming from.

Do you and your SO live together? Where is SD living right now? What are the main issues that keep coming up that drive you to think you may need to eventually jump ship?

Hi ESM,

Welcome and hello!  :)

I'm in a committed relationship with a man whose daughter (20) is diagnosed bipolar and what appears to be BPD.

The lack of boundaries in a grown adult is pretty hard to bear. How does your partner deal with her?

I found it got easier to use communication and relationship skills with D20 that made things a bit better. The hard part was that my partner's actions were unskilled (a lifetime of enabling) and ended up regressing D20, which made things harder for me. It made me feel effective one day and powerless the next.

My partner and I have been together 5 years, and have lived together 1.5 years. D20 has lived with us for two summers and one upside is that I learned some great skills that I use in all of my relationships, including the one with myself  :)

So very much depends on how your long-term committed father deals with his adult child.  If he's not focusing on developing insight on her mental issues, strong skills and firm boundaries then over time you may have friction with him when he doesn't set limits on the ways she can impact or weaken your relationship.  Occasional frustration may develop into open sores, relationship-wise.

My question, Does she live in the household?  That in itself can be a problem since BPD becomes more of a problem the closer the people and the more frequent the contact.  Is she lives in the home then finding her a separate residence will make it easier to keep the chaos and manipulation at bay, at least somewhat.

Obviously, he will have some contact with his daughter.  The question is whether he can or will keep that contact under control and separate from your couples relationship.  People with BPD (pwBPD) are used to overwhelming others' boundaries.  There will be much unnecessary stress and distress if he can't or won't learn and maintain proper boundaries of behavior.  So he needs to be "on board" with you in how to handle his daughter so it doesn't become a thorn in your couples relationship.

Hello ESM! Welcome to bpdfamily 

When my DH (dear husband) proposed, I said maybe. By then I knew that his ex (UBPD) was unwell and capable of creating chaos. I knew that all three of their children had some challenges. At that time (8 years ago), the middle son was an addict who was in a treatment program. This son is now diagnosed with BPD.

I chose to say yes a few months after the proposal, partly because I could see that my now husband was trying his best. He had some PTSD from being abused by his ex but he was getting better at setting and sticking to boundaries. He wanted the best for his kids, and was willing to fight for that. He was willing to go to counselling. And I loved him a lot.

It hasn’t been easy. As much as I thought my DH and I were prepared to handle what would come our way, it has been 100 times harder than I anticipated. We have spent much time and money on lawyers. Since we married I have sat in police stations, courts, jail visiting areas, hospital emergency wards, counsellors offices and on and on.

At this moment, DH is not connected to his son who was diagnosed BPD. The son is enmeshed with his mom. She enables his addiction. She is currently trying to get DH to pay her child support. This son is 25. It never ends. At the other end of the scale, his oldest is doing well in law school and is engaged to a great woman.

DH and I are doing well. Many things have helped us get to where we are today. Number one would be self-care. A close second is working hard on my relationship with DH. Other things that helped are this board, my counsellor, having a supportive family and friends, some courses I took... .The list is long. The point is it takes work.

I had many days I felt as you described - not cut out for the inevitable role of the evil stepmother. I think my stepkids would now say I have had my good and bad moments. Maybe not evil, but certainly not an angel!   But I think they all know I care.

Please keep bringing your questions and thoughts here. Tell us more.  There is a ton of experience of this board you can tap into. There are great resources to help you and your partner.