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I’m just kind of venting, I guess. Just like everyone here knows, it’s very hard to find people to talk to about this, and the ones that are willing to listen don’t get it if they haven’t been through it. It’s been almost 3 months since the final break and I feel worse. I just wish I could have a really gut felt cry once a day. It’s in there, but it won’t come out. I know I’d feel better. There are times, mostly when I’m at work, that I can feel it start, but I have to choke it back down. Is it normal to not be able to get these emotions out? I’ve had these types of relationships before, and they were very hurtful and I was able to cry. I don’t know if there is just too much to process from this one, or what. I’ve never been this in love before. We have a beautiful young Son together and I miss her daughter so much. I don’t know. Wish I did.

Have you sat down with someone you trust (or a therapist) and told the entire story to them?  I finally started seeing a therapist and when I told her the whole story it was weird for me because I cried at moments when, in the actual relationship, I didn't shed a tear.  But I can tell you that it's helped me tremendously to be able to talk IN PERSON to someone about this relationship.

When you first posted I had a sinking feeling in my stomach because your initial paragraph sounded exactly like my ex.  He'd lost his parents about 7 years ago, his father was abusive towards him but not his two sisters.  As a result my ex grew up with major insecurity and feelings of inadequacy.  He used to tell me he frequently heard his father's voice in the back of his head telling him he was doing everything wrong.  That type of history must be very difficult to manage on a daily basis.  What are you doing to take care of yourself and manage your pain?

Thanks for replying. I’d like to say first that I’m very sorry if my initial post upset or triggered you in any way. I understand how it must look to most of the people here. To answer your question, I’m starting therapy ASAP. The only reason I haven’t yet is because I had to upgrade my insurance plan at the first of the year. I couldn’t afford therapy on my previous plan. I have been in the past and it was extremely helpful and productive. I have a cousin that can talk to occasionally, but she’s going through her own issues right now with her husband. There’s my Sister, but she and I have to be careful. She’s a psychologist so there are lines we can’t ethically cross and plus it might just get weird. She’s knows the situation well though. She has reassured time and again that I don’t have a PD, but I have to face it. I really lost it in this relationship and did some horrible things. That’s mine to own and mine to move forward from. Back to my Sister. She has also been helpful in helping me research for a good therapist from afar. She lives in another state. As far as friends go, I’ve talked a little bit about it, but not much. The interest isn’t really there so I don’t push it. There’s also a state of the art workout facility where I work, and I’m going to start using it soon. That’s something I was really into throughout my 20’s and I can remember how good it felt to be physically healthy. To sum it up though, I’ve allowed myself to become pretty consumed by grief, anger and depression. This all started well before the final break. I just haven’t learned how to love myself enough to walk away from things like this yet. I’ve learned that it is on me to learn this. That it’s up to me to put the work in, and to realize that these things are a product of my core wounds. If I knew myself well enough and loved myself well enough I’d never allow myself to get into these situations and end up so low. Again, I’m very sorry if my initial post upset you. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable on here.

Oh no, I wasn't implying you upset me with your first post.  It just scared me at first.  I would be floored if I found my ex on this site - I don't think he has the self awareness to begin exploring the idea of him having a personality disorder.

I empathize with the insurance situation.  After my relationship ended I moved states and began a new job, and my insurance doesn't kick in until Feb.  I'm paying out of pocket for my therapy and... .ouch!  It's pricey.

I think a lot of us here share similar qualities when we are in a relationship.  I too allowed myself to become consumed with my ex bf's problems and in turn, ignored myself, my dog, my friends, and my family.  I gained 20lbs, began drinking heavily (he was an alcoholic), and stopped exercising.  In short - I lost myself.  It is a very cold realization, isn't it?  How can we get so enmeshed with someone to the point that we consider them to be more important than ourselves?  My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer while I was with my ex.  She had surgery AND radiation treatment.  I never went home to visit her.  I prioritized my ex over her, and I feel deep shame for that.

Every day I tell myself that the only person I am responsible for is myself.  I am determined to not make this mistake again.  The very fact that you are willing to acknowledge this behavior and realize it is unsustainable is, in my mind, a great first step.  We are choosing to make changes in our lives that will hopefully put us on the path towards a healthy future self.

Is there anything in particular that's bothering you at this immediate moment that you want to get off your chest?

I will most definitely reply later this evening. I’m at work currently. Thank you for reaching out.

Please don’t beat yourself up over the things you described. I understand the yearning to make your partner realize that you are there, and that you would sacrifice a lot for them. Yes, losing ourselves is very easy to do when we fall for them. It’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done. I eventually let go of every boundary and every concern. Albeit, to my demise. I’m so sorry you went through what you have. The isolation is the first thing I recognized after the final break. It caused a bit of panic because I felt very alone, and I was wondering if the people I isolated from were still there. They are. The ones that chose to be are still here. In fact, I’m sitting on one of their couches as I type. You are very right. We are only responsible for ourselves. The thing is, regardless of the damage we caused for ourselves, we know that we are capable of caring for another person even if it means our own demise. I’m not saying it’s healthy or right. I mean this is the scary fact that brought us here. But it demonstrates our empathy, love, caring and attention on a selfless level. Toxic selflessness, but selflessness none the less. We give more away than we keep for ourselves and it gets abused. You’re a good person. You sacrificed a great deal for someone. They just couldn’t reciprocate. Even though your Mother had cancer, odds are you tried to heal someone that is sicker than she was. I know we can’t compare the two, but I hope you understand what I’m trying to get across.

Establishing healthy boundaries is something I've told my therapist I want to do in my future relationships.  There were times when I should have said "This makes me uncomfortable and I won't tolerate it," but in an effort to appease my ex AND make myself appear the helpful, wonderful partner that I wanted to be, I never put up any boundaries.  

Learning to maintain my self and identity while in a relationship is another goal.  My ex never asked me to sacrifice myself for him - sure, he was needy and emotionally demanding, but it was always MY choice whether or not I gave in to that.  One thing I realized after the relationship was over was that I always thought my ex needed me, and so I made myself available to him day and night.  In truth I think the paradoxical reality was that I needed to THINK my ex needed me.  I gave myself value based on how much I felt he needed me.  In truth he's lived over 30 years without me.  He never needed me.

I made a lot of mistakes in this relationship, some I am ashamed of.  My ex was not the only troubled person in this relationship and I'm realizing this more and more through my experiences on this board and through the work with my therapist.

I know in another thread you said you are unhappy that it's taken you so long to come to this realization.  I too feel similarly.  I'm almost 33 and I feel like I'm too old to still be struggling with this type of thing.  You're not alone.  However I would rather realize this "too late" then never realize it at all.