BPDFamily.com

Hi, happy New year to you all.
It's now been about 6 weeks no contact with my ex BPD.
After finishing the relationship again last August, and keeping up the dialogue until she finally changed her number.
It took me a long time, to accept what she had done, and was absolutely gutted, I changed my number, but caved in 2 weeks later. She portrayed me as a complete lunatic, child stalker, and drunk driver ( completely fabricated, and looking back, a little disturbing, given what really happened)
I now regard her actions, as a blessing, and although I miss her dreadfully, I am in a better place.
I can't afford a therapist, but have taken on  board the advice from the people on here, at the end of the day, you are living it, and embracing the feelings of sadness and fried
 I am asking myself some tough questions, how I allowed myself to stay and be treated that way.
She was a very intelligent woman, almost in a league of her own, I have struggled, with self confidence, and couldn't believe someone like her, could possibly date someone like me, that is despite the fact, she has  been unemployed for 4 yrs, mainly due to the fact she has a drink problem, and won't deal with any of it.
It's during my own healing process, that I had an epiphany, i admit to my short comings, but I have the self respect, and belief, that I can hesl and learn from this. She will never change, and I am actually starting to feel sorry for her.
I have given up smoking, and changed departments at work, the smoking was hard, I took it up again when i met her, and used it a a crutch, to keep me attached, the inner turmoil was awful, and completely unreasonable, maybe some of you under stand.
This is a bit of a ramble, but it's like my brain has been kick started again, my mind isn't transfixed on her, and it feels a bit strange, thinking normally.
That in itself is enough  for me
Hugs to you all, we will get there xxx

i can relate to this. do you think that idealization was a hook?

what do your past relationships look like?

Hey Pencil sketch, Yes, I understand. 


Sounds like you're making progress there, my friend.  One inquiry that might prove useful is to figure out why you got involved with a pwBPD in the first place.  Hint: usually it has something to do with one's past, often from childhood.

LuckyJim

Lucky Jim, nail on the head my friend. I have been avoiding that issue, because it's something I have shut away for so long, and didn't want to think about. I found, blaming her, just exacerbated my suffering, so dug very deep.
Avoidance, serves no purpose, and I can stop seeing myself as a victim.
I never thought I would say this, but she has done me a huge favour.

Hey P.S., Right, that's the gift she gave you.  Opening up that locked box from the past is no doubt painful, but it leads to greater freedom and authenticity, in my view.  You could say it's about breaking the log jam.  Good luck and keep us posted.

LJ

how I allowed myself to stay and be treated that way

This seems to be one of the most common questions we ask ourselves after a relationship with a BPD. It is a long journey to get to that answer, perhaps a lifetime of work, but worth it.

I tend to reference Freud's repetition compulsion when thinking about this, which suggests a person repeats a traumatic event or its circumstances over and over again, especially one that is tied to the emotional dynamics with their opposite-sex parent in their adult relationships.

Because we have unwittingly recreated the circumstances of our childhood, we are unaware that the person we're in a relationship with is "off" because they are acting within the norms we grew up in.

Let's say mom was a rageaholic. If our SO BPD rages at us, no warning signs will flash because somewhere in our head we've become accustomed to such treatment.

Thus, a psych 101 answer to your question in part is that we allow it because we didn't grow up knowing any better.

J

Concur, which is why most of us Nons were particularly susceptible to a BPD r/s in the first place.

LJ