BPDFamily.com

Hi,
I have been in a relationship with my ex BPD gf for over three years. She didn't know she had BPD and I had never heard of it. I have read here about many BPD partners leaving, mine left mentally by taking drugs for almost a year. In my naiveté, it took months for me to even realize she was on drugs. I tried to get her help, NA and the like, but she refused. So after 8 months of arguing every time I found out she did cocaine I told her I was leaving and it was over.
   I did a terrible job of leaving. I have never been confronted with this type of relationship. Usually when you tell someone its over, they leave you alone. She acted like I never said it. The push-pull was really taking a toll. I was the greatest thing in her life one moment and the devil the next. I felt conflicted. Though we lived separately during this time, I would go and spend several nights a week with her. We would fight and make up over and over. I kept trying to escape but her constant hounding me convinced me I should give it another try. I would try to be firm and say it was over. She would shift blame on me for things I don't think I did. Again, I didn't know much about this behavior until recently. Next thing I knew we were spending the weekend together. And everything would start all over again.
   Then about three months ago, she lost her job and tried to move her and her two kids in my house. I opened the door saying it was temporary. It did not take long for her to disregard that and try to make it her house. I began to withdraw more and more. She demanded physical touch, more and more kind words, more and more emergencies I had to handle. I know now I failed because we would have a great couple of days then it would get dark. And I was just getting too exhausted. I feel so spent.
   I had to go out of town for work and for a funeral and both times she did not sleep and I came home to insane rambling and threats of suicide. Her sisters had her baker acted. Now she stays with her parents who don't help and she is constantly contacting me, creating crisis and threatening suicide.
   Where do I go from here?
  

hi Audie and *welcome*

you do sound exhausted. as sorry to hear about your circumstances as i am, i am glad you found us. the healing can begin.

can you tell us a bit more about the specifics of the contacts? is she asking for your help? venting to you? does she want to get back together?

how are you responding?

Hi Audie,

*welcome*


Don’t be hard on yourself. We’re not professionals and we’re not trained to handle someone with a severe mental illness. Professionals will only see a patient with BPD for a few hours a week, they’re experts at their job we have to be around the chaos 24/7/365 we do the best that we can with the knowledge that we have.

It starts with boundaries. An easy explanation of boundaries is that it keeps the good stuff in and the bad stuff out. Boundaries are like an invisible outward layer that protect your values. I would suggest that you go no contact. It sounds cruel if she is SI I’ll go back to my first point, we’re not professionals I suggest that you report it to your local emergency services and let the professionals take care of her, maybe she’ll receive the adequate help and get treatment. You can’t control someone else you can only control your actions if she does X I respond with why. If she threatens with SI call your local emergency devices if she throws up FOG learn to recognize FOG you’re not responsible for someone else’s feelings and depersonalize the behaviours.

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries)

SELF-AWARE:  What it means to be in the "FOG" (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0)

You failed at no contact I suggest that you try again. Fall down 7 times get up 8.

@once removed,
Thank you for your response. She texts and calls everyday and makes excuses to stop by every couple of days. If I don't respond to the texts or calls, she has recently started coming to my house in a "break down" state. She calls them "break downs" cry, yelling, wanting to love me but then calling me the root of her problems.

@Mutt
Thank you as well for your response. She stopped by today and I was successful in setting boundaries. Limits on physical touch and where the conversation goes. It was a nice visit that ended without yelling or hard feelings. Thanks again.