BPDFamily.com

Hey folks,

I have left my wife, whom I believe shares traits with people who have BPD.  She has 3 kids from another relationship (who I have parented for the last 4 years), and we have two children together.

We are in the process of a divorce, with lawyers involved.  She has already fired her first attorney.  We are currently attempting to craft a parenting plan.  I have huge doubts about our ability to reach agreements about what is fair and healthy, with regards to custody.  I am trying to get 50/50 (though sometimes I wonder if I should try to get more time).

Basically, I'm beginning to prepare for the next phase of court.  :)oes anyone have strong opinions about using professional experts?  If we cannot make agreements through mediation and go back to court, my attorney and I will be asking for a psychiatric evaluation and guardian ad litem.  What are the thoughts about this?  And are there other good ideas and alternatives?

Thanks,
wes

Hi ew,

Third-party professionals can make a huge difference in our cases.

The key is to make sure they are ethical and competent.

I have heard there are good GALs out there, but my L was adamant about not using one. In my state, they don't even need a high school degree, and get very little training. There are other ways to bring in third-party professionals that can increase the chances you get someone good -- suggest three of the best in your county, and then let your ex pick one. Give her a deadline by which she must pick one, otherwise you get to choose. Have deadlines for everything, with a consequence for not meeting the deadline, and tell your L to not agree to any extensions without consulting with you first. It's not uncommon for people with BPD to use stonewalling and obstruction, slowing things down so that the status quo sets in and the custody stuff drags on for months if not years.

About asking for more than 50/50 -- do you have a lot of documentation and/or evidence to help you accomplish this? I saw some research a few years ago about how it's true that moms get more primary custody, but more moms are likely to ask for primary. In the cases where dads asked for primary, the percentages of getting a favorable ruling were roughly equal to what moms got. The key is to be able to document what is going on in the family, and more than a little bit of patience since you may not get what you want the first time around.

If you want your kids to get counseling, there are other things to consider in terms of third-party professionals. With my son, I wanted him to have a trusted relationship with a counselor, without subpoenaing any of that for court, so I signed a waiver. But then, I discovered that our parenting coordinator (third-party professional permitted in our state) could talk to the therapist without it being part of testimony. So in a sense, the best of both worlds. Our PC was a child psychologist, and trained PCs in our state. She was able to size things up pretty quickly. You may be able to get a custody evaluation in which the same thing occurs, with the CE talks to a child's counselor.

That's the long answer.

Short answer is that it pays to be strategic when using a third-party professional.

LnL

LnL,

Thanks for the response.  I like the idea of selecting three, and having her pick one (or not) with a deadline.  I'll look into the use of PC's and CE's in our state.  That's kind of the trouble I'm having -- I read about cool options that have worked well for people, and then find that whichever option does not really work in our state.  oh well. I'll figure something out.

thanks again