BPDFamily.com

Hello to all,

I am here because I am not sure if my wife has a personality disorder. I don't know how much I should write in this box so I'll be as brief as possible.

My wife has had a certain way about her from the start of our relationship. Started with what I would now say was fears of abandonment. She was confrontational but not to the extent that she is now. I had heard stories about her, that she was violent and had gotten physical in past relationships.

I didn't believe it until it started happening to me.

She makes mountains out of Mole hills  She is loud and narsasistic, she wants to impose her will and she always wants to be right.

She has a philosophy taught to her by her father, if someone gets in your face hit them... .She has taken that advice to heart. She has scratched my face for no good reason, slapped, punched, spit on me, thrown everything but the kitchen sink at me. Then blames me for it all, if I try to leave the room she follows me to continue the assault. I have had to push her away and or hold her back and as a result she has gotten bruises.

Those she claims were a result of me assaulting her.

Not long ago she lost it at her daughter's house and slapped her x husband and her son in law, and almost hit her daughter. I pulled her away from that situation and she attacked me. Hitting me on my shoulder with a coffee mug.

We have been to therapy together and alone and she claims I was the one with the problem not her. That was the only reason she agreed to go. The last time she went to therapy she didn't speak about her "issues" with her father and unresolved hostilities.

The therapist would play tapes for her to "meditate to" so my wife stopped going.

I've tried to get her to come with me again and she says they don't work. I told her if you open up and are truthful they can help. She's not going for it this time around, after our last blow out she started saying she wanted to get a divorce, then the other day says if she really wanted a divorce she would have filed.

She blames my ego for a lot of our issues, we just recently started talking a bit.

I read a book about BPD and alot of what I read described her to a T.  I don't know what to do, I don't want this relationship to end in divorce.

What is important here, is she has behavior that affects you and others negatively, and is unopen to any kind of reasonable dialogue or willingness to do things differently. It is up to you to decide how you want to respond to her.  There are many books and websites like this one, that will teach you how to set boundaries, and respond in ways that lessen the negative effect she has on you. It is so disheartening to be in a relationship that is so one sided. One thing that has helped me immensely is to work on my own self esteem and to seek out others who  have mutual relationships where there is respect, kindness, and the ability to listen to other points of view. After I spend time with healthier people, I can more easily limit how negatively the BPs in my life affect me. (I was raised by a BP mother who in her old age is still determined to control her children, and will never recognize any of us as separate people. For much of my life, I attracted BPs into my life, and took care of them because I did not have the inner strength to just walk away.)

There are lots of tools and things you can learn here. As zachira says, you have to find inner strength and self esteem so that you don't get blistered by her behavior when she is out-of-bounds.

I think the place to start, is to try to get the physical violence contained. This is dangerous in the long run and there are thing you can do to mitigate the risk and motivate her to stop... .it takes time. The fact that she has many targets is concerning.

How often is there physical violence? How extreme does it get?

Skip

PS: I reformatted your text in to paragraphs so that it would be easier to read.

I dealt with the physical stuff of hitting me and throwing stuff at me. I told her if
It didn’t stop I would leave.  I have to say she mostly got this under control after it really became an empty threat.

It’s a tough situation man and it’s a mind F because there is normalcy and there are good weeks, but the bad stuff is always around the corner and you’re on eggshells to keep the peace.

A healthy relationship should not seem like mission impossible. I get it though, I could have left after a few months and it lasted 10 years.  We have a 5 year old and I don’t want to lose him or have her mess him up with her issues.  

I learned of BPD a few weeks for a 10 day charm that saw me buy her a ring and get a refund on my retainer, and I told myself I wasn’t going to get upset at her crap or get baited into a negative situation and I just couldn’t make it happen.

If you want any chance at saving the relationship you have GOT to create boundaries or the behavior will never change.

My frustration is that I didn’t create boundaries right away because there was no reward for putting up with her crap, she is leaving anyway.

Thank you for replying, when I read the book about walking on eggshells I said to myself "Now I know what I have to fo", I just won't react to her when she pushes my buttons.

Well that didn't work, I failed and I failed fast!

She knows exactly what to say and when to say it to get that negative reaction from me.

How often is there violence? Depends on how heated the argument is.

It don't take much to get her get to hitting, I told her you attack me because you know I won't hit back!

And she says I have bruises too, I tell her you don't hit a tree and not get a bruise.
I have found a way to stop her in her tracks and that's by pulling out my cell phone and recording her losing it.

Unfortunately that has happened after she's drawn first blood.

Leaving at this point in time is not an option, financially speaking I am not ready to make that move yet.

And if this is in fact BPD and at the moment is out of her control, i don't think I should just abandon her.

Her family is concerned but not enough to get involved.

Her son who is 18 is good as long as her focus is not on him, his sister who is 27 also seems to be a bury my head in the sand type.
She would much rather blame me for setting her mom off than to even consider that her mom may have a serious issue.

My mother in law knows who her daughter is and what she's capable of but all she says is "I don't know what to say".

My wife and I have not discussed BPD at this point I think it would add fuel to the fire, so I decided to learn more about BP to better prepare myself for what I may have to face down the road.

I have plenty of horror stories of her attacks on me, they all end the same.

Me bleeding with scratches all over, the next day I get to count the black and blues, and if I had to push her back or restrain her and she gets bruised I feel like crap.

I want to thank you all in advance for any feedback or advice you have given and may continue to give.

Oak Tree

Weekly? Monthly?

It really helps us to have a clear picture on this to help you. When was the last time? When was the time before?


A lot of people do this. Let's talk about what she says. You can learn to detach from it. Especially knowing that its your reaction she seeks and you reward her when you react.

Working through this si not at all intuitive - that's why so many of us get caught up.

Hi Oak Tree,

I'm so sorry that you have experienced so much physical abuse in your relationship. My biggest concern for you is safety first. You said that when you try to leave the room your W will follow you and continue the assault. Can you instead just leave the house?

If she begins to get violent (or before if you know it's coming) simply say "I don't like to be yelled at (if before) or hit. I will be back after things calm down. If necessary, prepare a bag that you can leave in your car with clothes and toiletries. I'm not saying to leave her permanently, but removing yourself from the heat of the conflict is necessary for your safety.

We also have  DV Resources for Men  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0) and our information on  Safety First  (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf)

(https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/images/mb/rightpanel-safety-first.png) (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf)

The violence is say because it varys, monthly.
Usually it's build up from little arguments and then one day she explodes.

Some of the things she says to set me off are past issues, past relationships i was in, she sometimes brings up my daughter in a negative way or my sister for not going with her flow.

Unfortunately I don't always see an attack coming and it's when I'm about to go to bed or already in bed.

She is the type that will even follow me out the door, it's happened before.

I have no place to go and she knows it, she has manipulated finances so that I don't have money put away for emergencies.

I just recently started putting money aside just in case, I know I should just walk out to avoid attacks.

I wish I could predict when one attack will be verbal and not escalate into physical I can't always see it coming.

The last time she attacked me was late December after her Xmas party.

The time after that was in Nov when we went to Atlantic city.

My wife drinks on occasion as well and that is adding fuel to the fire.

Normally, when there is physical violence, we encourage members to focus on this areas as the first thing to improve. Regardless of how your relationship improves in other areas, you can't live with this long term. I know that is why you are here, in part. You want zero tolerance on this and to get to that point in the not too distant future.

We normally recommend getting visibility of the DV as a deterrent. You situation is unique in that it sounds like there is a lot of visibility already and she is ok with it - even supported/enabled by family. And of course, if your best efforts to be a good partner, you have allowed and even rewarded it (unknowingly).

Tough tough situation.

Have you talked about it to her? What has she said?

It would be good to walk through Tattered Hearts suggestion regarding a safety plan.

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

I have made attempts to get her to see that the violence needs to stop, she tries to justify it by saying I've gotten in her face.
I've told her nothing justifies physical violence, and that in the case with the coffee mug a few inches to one side and she could have hit my head and I'd probably be dead and she would be in jail.

Of course then she "Feels bad" and apologized but the damage had already been done.

She's always trying to justify what she does, she claims i say things that set her off and that's reason enough to act the way she does.

I'm not proud of the fact I've had to defend myself from someone I love like I would with someone on the street.
I'm not proud that she's gotten bruises as a result of my defending myself.

Tattered Heart suggested that you read  DV Resources for Men  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0). Please do this, ok?  It tells a different story that you are probably expecting - one about men ending up in jail because a female partner initiated domestic violence.

OK, so you have tried  to talk to her and she has given you an apology but no remorse of commitment to stop. Not unusual. Not good either.

We have a member here, wentworth, who is working through the same as you and making progress. He will post in a bit.

Meanwhile, lets talk about a safety plan. Do you have a "go bag" and cash to leave for an evening if a fight starts to materialize? Do you have a neighbor that can provide a couch, or a place to wait for Uber to take you to a hotel?

Have you had much success at defusing her when she starts to wind up for a strike? Most violence comes after a sequence of events. Do you recognize when she starts going down that path?

Oak Tree, I'm sorry to hear you are in such a bad situation.  Let me echo Skip's advice that your goal needs to be to get the abuse to zero.  You need to do it with help, carefully, and with a plan, but this is not a "next year" thing or even an "in a few months" thing.  It is very common for men to take the hits and let it go on for years.  You've pointed out the risk of something tragic like a head injury, but there's also the chance of landing in legal trouble due to false allegations, and the long-term stress related health risks, not to mention the fact that this kind of life is miserable.

This is not a short reply.  I could draw this out and give you information in small bites to make sure it's tailored just for you and won't overwhelm you, but you've provided enough specifics about the abuse to demonstrate that you've got a situation that needs addressing.  My inclination is to give you a big info dump now so you have it all at hand right away.  Let me know if you feel like any of it misses the mark.  Don't take this reply as a list of things you must jump on this second -- you'd probably blow a gasket if you had to worry about it all at once.  Read it through, figure out what you're ready for now, and consider the other information to be shining a light on the road ahead of you; come back and re-read this and get to that stuff when you're ready.

Let me suggest four priorities:
1.  Safety Planning
2.  Document the Abuse
3.  Educate Yourself
4.  Develop Relationships with Local Resources

1. Safety Planning

This has been mentioned in earlier replies.  Saving some money, extra keys, spare credit card, bag of clothes packed and hidden -- whatever you need to get out of the house for a while.  You said you have no good options.  It can certainly be tough to have a good option of where to go at 1am when you wake up to an assault.  Hotels are hard to find at that hour and expensive, there are no men's shelters, and you may be reluctant to bother any buddies or family members at that hour.  Be creative.  See who might help.  Perhaps if you have decided to take action, family members who have been passive might help by offering you a couch to crash on.  Your wife may get tired of the visibility of you showing up on a family member's couch.  If you have any injuries, marks, or pain, an ER waiting room might be a more peaceful alternative than being home.

A key element of safety is handling assaults when they happen to minimize potential for injury to yourself and your wife.  Do not retreat to a small enclosed space with hard surfaces like a bathroom.  Stay away from the kitchen.  If at all possible you want to avoid striking her or restraining her or doing anything that might make it appear as if you were on the offensive.  It is not uncommon for women to try to "draw a foul" and get the man to react and give her visible marks.

2. Document the Abuse
For anyone experiencing abuse, but particularly for a man, documenting the abuse is vital.  The importance of documentation cannot be overemphasized.  You are actually quite lucky in a sad way that she is leaving marks and drawing blood.  Take pictures.  Document each incident in a journal, including what triggered the abuse, your efforts to retreat, your care in using no force or minimal force in defending yourself, the exact things she did to assault you (what she struck you with and where she struck you, and the injuries you suffered, with photographs.  Consider writing journal entries on selected past incidents.  After you have documented several incidents, the pattern will become clear.  This is important for two reasons.  First, you may be minimizing the abuse in your head, and reading about it all in one place will help you break through the minimization and have confidence to take action.  Second, if you end up talking to others like the police and domestic violence advocates, you want to be able to tell your story very clearly, confident that you will be able to have them see you as the victim and not an equal participant in fights, or the abuser.

Back up your documentation.  Consider what you would do if you couldn't get to what's in your home (for example, if she got a restraining order against you).

In addition to physical abuse, write down, word for word if possible, any threats she makes or off-the-wall accusations.  If she threatens to kill you in your sleep or accuses you of having an affair with a purple bunny rabbit, write it down exactly as she says it.  If you were to show someone a page of those quotes, it would help them get a very good idea of what is happening in your home.  This will also help you realize the magnitude of the abuse you are suffering.

Continue video recording, if you can do it safely.  If it gets her to stop, great.  That is safest.  If you catch an assault or her coming towards you on video, with you acting either calm or fearful, even one incident on video helps make all of your written information seem more credible.  Get those videos off your phone and backed up somewhere.

One other very important thing you can do with your documentation is to share it with someone you trust deeply.  You can share copies of your journal, or simply e-mail them descriptions of incidents as they happen.  This person can confirm to authorities if necessary that they received the information from you over time -- you didn't simply write up a journal all at once (which an abuser might do to counter allegations by his wife).  If you are disciplined and organized while your wife is not, you can weave a web of true information that will establish your credibility -- this is a huge asset to counter the fear that men have of not being believed and being seen as the abuser.  It will give you the confidence to take action.

3. Educate Yourself
Address abuse first, but there is one BPD skill that can be immediately useful.  You mentioned how she knows exactly how to get you riled up and push your buttons.  You are going to have to become a Zen master at not letting her do this.  You've read Eggshells.  Read the other posts of members here to get an idea of the kinds of off-the-wall hurtful things their pwBPD say.  You need to just tell yourself it is garbage.  Pretend she's talking about pink elephants and change the subject.  It is hard, because she knows what mistakes you've made and there may be elements of truth to what she says, enough to suck you in.  Lowering the level of verbal conflict will help you lower the stress and make things a little safer.  It is totally natural to defend yourself verbally -- it's really a reflex.  But does it ever help?  Try absolutely never defending yourself.  You don't have to admit fault, just deflect, say something like "thanks for telling me how you feel," "I understand," or whatever.  When I finally realized not to give my wife the satisfaction of me engaging when was looking for a verbal fight, it was actually pretty funny (do not laugh out loud, that's a very bad idea   She was completely confused when I wouldn't verbally fight back.  Take a look at this page on how not to JADE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0).  Changing these patterns is hard work.  Congratulate yourself when you succeed!  If you slip, keep at it.

There are also some other resources that can be good to look at.  You can learn more about the differences between healthy, unhealthy, and abusive behavior by looking at a very useful graphic called the Relationship Spectrum (http://www.thehotline.org/healthy-relationships/relationship-spectrum/).  A particularly helpful page on abuse defined (http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/) shows how many different forms of abuse there can be, in particularly non-physical controlling behaviors.  You may also want to read this page on
why marriage counseling is not recommended in cases of domestic violence (http://www.thehotline.org/2014/08/01/why-we-dont-recommend-couples-counseling-for-abusive-relationships/)

4. Develop Relationships with Local Resources
As long as she knows you will do nothing, the abuse will continue.  No amount of talking to her is going to fix this.  She has been doing this for years with you, and in prior relationships.  You are going to have to start involving outsiders.  You can do this in a way that slowly ramps up the pressure.  You probably have already considered calling the police to your home.  You may be worried about getting your wife in serious trouble.  You likely are worried she could turn the tables on you and get you arrested.

The local relationships you develop will give you momentum and guide you, but those relationships are also part of the web of credibility that you are weaving to counter potential false allegations.

1.  Talk face-to-face with a local domestic violence advocate -- there may be more than one government or non-profit agency in your area, so check around to find the one that feels best to you.  Some will do better than others at handling male survivors.  Our Web community may be the first time you've gotten support for what is happening, and it's a great resource, but you absolutely have to get in touch with someone local.  Talking face-to-face with someone who believes you and can advise you is extremely empowering.  It can change the game for you.  They know the cops, the laws, the resources, the judges, etc.  If you've got an advocate you've gotten to know over weeks and months before your wife makes a false allegation of abuse, that's a huge asset in your favor.  Just knowing that helps to give you the confidence to proceed.

2.  Introduce yourself to the police -- go to your local police station and ask to speak to someone there.  Say your wife is violent and you want advice on how to safely deal with it.  If they handle it poorly, that's good to know.  But more likely than not, they'll appreciate that you're being responsible, they'll be happy to see you in calm circumstances rather than on an emergency call, and they can talk to you about how they respond to domestic violence incidents, how they decide who to arrest, etc.  If your wife assaults you and you decide that it is time to report it, one strategy you can use that may well decrease your risk is to walk into the police station to report it.  The police will not have to respond to an emergency call to your home, which reduces everyone's anxiety and risk.  They are less likely to arrest either one of you in this scenario.  Your aim is to get a documented police report of the incident.  You are weaving a web of documentation and relationships.

3.  Go to the emergency room -- whether you experience bleeding, bruises, or even pain after an assault, go to the emergency room or urgent care.  I was surprised that in my state at least, reported pain is important evidence of abuse -- there does not have to be blood.  Particularly get checked out of you take a blow to the head.  Getting back to your safety plan, if you've been hurt late at night and need a place to go, grab your go-bag with a book, sweatshirt, and travel pillow, and take a nap in the ER waiting room -- it ain't the Ritz Carlton, but it'll do in a pinch  Victims are much more likely to seek help than abusers, who are more likely to lie low.   There is a chance that the hospital will call the police, but that's fine.  Having the police come to your hospital bedside is very helpful to establishing what's going on.  You are weaving a web.

Can you see how involving outsiders in these creative ways can break through the silence that has allowed this abuse to continue?  You may be worried about how involving outsiders might get your wife in trouble.  For that, I have two thoughts -- First, protecting her from the natural consequences of her actions has allowed this abuse to continue.  Second, the best way to love her and respect her well-being is to stop the abuse before tragedy strikes, before someone gets seriously hurt.

I've thrown a lot at you.  Let me know what you think about what I've said.  What rings true?  Does anything seem off-base to you?

You are not alone.  You have a right to feel safe in your home.  We can support you as you work to get that to that place.

WW

Wentworth, I was writing a reply on here this morning and it was a long reply and I hit the close button by mistake and lost what I wrote, so for now I'll keep it short.

Want you to know I read everything you sent and it helped.

I will try to follow what you wrote, and I am already starting my record keeping journal and pictures in case I should need them in the future.

I am also sending copies of whatever I have to a cousin I trust just in case.

I will set up my go bag with important documents, and I already had started putting money aside just in case.

Thank you for your input, glad i found you guys... .

Oak Tree

How is the day to day at home now? Have you had an extended period of calm?

Hi Skip, there has been calm because we are not speaking much at the moment.

We text some but the text turn into that time I did this, that time I said that.

It goes to past issues and situations, she is saying we have said these things are not going to happen again and they do.

Kind of wish she would see her part in it, how can she be so violent and think it's Ok?

Did I really reward het actions by not taking actions of my own?

Oak Tree

Its not about getting her to agree, or see it, that will be forgotten in the moment as they are in a single track mind frame. It is about having real means of removing you from exposure to it, and of real consequences. All of her best intentions in the world will be swept away in the tide of overwhelming emotions

Part of the denials are shame, and her blaming is about projecting that shame away and making someone else responsible.

Oak Tree, I'm glad the information helped, and am especially glad you are able to share information with your cousin.  Have you been able to talk with him or her about what is going on?  What was his or her perspective?

People do things because they work for them.  They don't always work well, but they work well enough to get by for the moment.  You can change your actions to make things work less well for her, and it might impact her behavior, but influencing the actions of others is difficult and often a losing game.  That's why we focus primarily on controlling our own actions.  We call this "setting boundaries."  Many people mistakenly believe setting boundaries is about controlling others.  To learn more about boundaries, you might want to visit this page on setting boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries).  In an abusive relationship, setting boundaries might include not responding to disrespectful or harassing text messages (or even blocking the person for a time, to focus while at work, for example), or leaving the house or calling an outsider if abuse occurs.

You can learn some techniques to help, like avoiding JADE and setting boundaries, but nothing you did has caused this situation.  I would say that even if this was her first relationship, though you've already said that she had troublesome behavior in earlier relationships.  You are not responsible for her behavior, just yours.

WW

Unintentionally, yes.

We often aren't taught how to have firm boundaries. If you walked out and ended the relationship after the first hit, it would be over... .or something that said unequivocally "no". This is an important concept to grasp for the future (don't beat yourself up about the past), because you have to now reestablish "equivocally no".

That is going to need to be a plan where you tell her, in polite but firm terms that the physical altercations need to end... .and then you need to be prepared (planned) on how to react to her when she does (she will). It took a while to get to this point, so it will take a "slow tightening of the noose", a few steps most likely, to end the physical expression of frustration. Moist importantly, you must commit to yourself that this is the #1 priority in the relationship to resolve and put nothing second.

Make sense? Do you want help on how to handle that?

Wentworth,
I have shared my plight with certain people I trust, and it always seems to be net with surprise and shock.
Then they don't know what to say... .this is something I've gotten alot.

I get the part where I am responsible for my own behavior and believe me it's sinking in.

Last night she went out with her girlfriend, and she had drinks, when she arrived I was still awake and she started acting strange.

I'm sure the alcohol  had a lot to do with it she at some point came to my side of the bed and started giving me hugs and kisses before she passed out and slept.
This morning she woke up like none of that happened... is that part of the disorder or is she just playing games?

Skip, your right I should have said no and no more!
I should have had a plan and believe me I am working on my next move if anything like this should ever happen again.

So yes what you wrote makes sense, and by all means share on how to handle that.

Thank you both...

Oak Tree

Oak Tree,

That is very good that you've shared with trusted people.  Just their reactions, and the fact that they are reacting similarly, can be helpful in giving you a reality check -- outside viewpoints supporting your feeling that what is going on is not OK.  That may be enough for now.  As you start to work on boundaries and asserting yourself against the abuse, some of these people may be able to continue to support you on your journey and help you feel confident as you move forward.  Others may be less helpful.  One of the challenges is to take input from so many different viewpoints and at the end of the day put it together into what's right for you.

About your wife's drunk and affectionate return... .clearly the alcohol was a factor but almost certainly the emotions she expressed are part of her reality.  Cycling back and forth between affectionate and confrontational behavior is part of the illness.

WW

She's confusing me big time, she started with the hugs and kisses.

Yesterday she did something she used to do when we were good, something as simple as buying me a personal Apple pie.

I thanked her and we went about our day, later that night I was cold so I went to put my head on her shoulder and she moved away from me saying "Are you serious"?

That made me feel rejected so I moved away from her, I showered and when I came out went to another room.

This morning I left to work and didn't say a word, figured it would be best.

I called her at work and I said "I need refills for my meds" and she started trying to set me off.
Her boss is my doctor so I have to go through her to get prescription.

She started bringing up past stuff so I told her "I am not going to fight with you or argue with you" "NOT ANYMORE"!

That is part of the boundaries I have set.

Amazing how I am such a villain in this relationship and she is such a victim.

I don't know if I can continue to do this.

Oak Tree

When see dysregulates, don't get caught into her emotion. Give her space. Be calm.

Skip, seems everything I try back fires.

I reached out to her daughter to see if she could help with the situation with her mom and she turned on me.

I should have saw that coming she has never been much help in that Dept, as a result she went and told her mother that I thought it was possible she had a disorder.

And her mother sent me a text re that saying I involve her daughter when I shouldn’t.

I was stupid to think I could find help with this family, bury your head in the sand and pretend nothing is wrong, shhhhh her focus is on him let’s keep it that way.

At this point I think it’s done!

I can’t help her, she sees me as the enemy, I wave the white flag

Hey Tree, be cool.

I get that your frustrated.

I really encourage you to bring your thoughts here are work through tactics with the members before you do them - getting more eyes on this will help.

For example, I don't think you would have gotten a lot of encouragement to go to the daughter... .she would really have to come to you... .It's not important now, its past.

Work with folks here. You're life will be easier.

You're deep in quicksand.

Skip,

The only reason I went to her was one as you said frustration, two because she has personally witnessed the violence.

But god I feel so stupid sometimes, like I have no common sense.

I know I need to be patient, and this site helps, so far I’ve gotten great advice and I thank you all for that from the bottom of my heart.

I will run things by my BPD family from now on.

We will walk every step with you.

   ... .someone walked every step with us.

Wish I would have found this site sooner, who knows where I would be today...

I’m sure a much better place... .

Yes, they did.  Yes, they did.

I wish I'd found it sooner, too!  But I'm glad you're here now.

Oak Tree, give yourself some time, be patient with yourself.  Change is hard.

Oak Tree, I'm sorry to hear this.  A kind gesture, you let your guard down and are vulnerable, and then sudden rejection.  Many of us have been there as well, and know just how upsetting that is.  I am sorry.

OK, the first thing is good.  You recognized that she had given you an invitation to fight and you decided not to accept.  That's great!  But our people with BPD aren't going to like that we're changing things.  You used all capital letters, so it feels like you may have added some fuel to the fire with her.  Like a child, when she gets a reaction, even a negative reaction, she may persist.  Announce loudly to *us* that you set a boundary, we'll give you a fist bump and a high five.  But with her, be subtle.  Don't tell her you're not going to argue, just don't argue. 

You are going to learn a lot here.  Change will be hard for you and for her.  Don't give up yet.  My advice would be to learn as much as you can here, work hard to implement some changes to calm things down, set boundaries (especially around physical safety), and see how far you can take it.  That will take some time.

WW

Good morning BPD family,

Thank you to Turban Cowboy, Skip, and Wentworth for your words they do help or at the very least let me know I am not alone.

@Skip am I not using this site the right way?

You wrote I was free to go to another board, why was that?

Because of what TC wrote or because I'm not writing about what this board is about?

I read your posts and comments and I feel like such a nube, technically I am since I just got on this site but it looks like I have a lot to learn.

I thought I was somewhat patient or at least that's what I've been told yet I'm starting to feel like I'm running out of time here.

This is the longest time my wife and I have been on bad terms, so it is bothering me.

I can usually see when she is starting to look for a button to push, that's when I can more or less prepare for the retreat.

It's when she comes out of nowhere with what I feel is an attack, that I call into the trap of a fight.

Believe me when I say I am trying to do things the right way, but the frustrations are huge and I am human.

I know it's a process and I have a lot to learn, I am willing.

OT

Ahh ok thanks for clearing that up...

Good.

The next step is to not let this stuff rattle you. Most likely she has these emotions to vent and once it said, she can start the process to calm herself and return to baseline.  We often take this stuff, react to it, bring it up again, re-breath life into it.

We have an article and 45 minute video on our website that might be worth looking at when you have time:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/treatment-borderline-personality-disorder

Here is a 3 minute excerpt to look at about what I'm saying... .


Date: 2-2012(https://bpdfamily.com/book-covers/spacer.gif)Minutes: 3:35
Back From the Edge - Mini clip

Don't beat yourself up on this. You don't know what you don't know. We all had a starting point and almost every one of us came in here in a bad place because things had gotten so far out of control that we had no where to turn.

It's not that you don't have common sense; it's that you have developed a pattern in your life that helps you get control in areas where you feel like you have lost control. These ways of responding to our partenrs and the issues they create in our lives sometimes worked for a bit. Other times they seemed like they worked but in the long run, it just created more problems. These are patterns that have developed over many years with our partners and probably started in our early childhood. It will take time to change your responses, learn new ways, and start to move towards being healthy.

In regards to going to other people about your W, this can often create what is called a  Karpman Drama Triangle  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0) with the roles of victim, persecutor, and rescuer (sometimes called savior). These roles can switch and move around within this dysfunctional triangle.

Hello Tattered Heart,

Thanks for your feed back, I beat myself up and I know I shouldn't because as you say "You don't know what you don't know".

I knew after I sent that email to her daughter that I made a mistake, guess desperation got the best of me.

How can people be so oblivious to such erratic behavior?

This didn't start with me and they all know it, I look at them and I see a bunch of scared eggshell walkers.

Let's not get her focus on us so we don't get the worst of her, sometimes I feel I was set up.

Oak Tree

Hi Oak Tree,

How did you feel about what Skip said about not letting her button-pushing attempts rattle you? 

WW

Wentworth,

I get what Skip is saying and I always tell myself I wont let her get me there but that doesn't always work.
I am learning though, I saw that 45 min video he posted and I subscribed to other videos as well.

I will get This! And her button pushing will have no effect on me...

Oak Tree

Oak Tree, remember, it's a work in progress.  Our people with BPD are expert button pushers.  They are truly gifted at it.  And when we get good at not letting our buttons get pushed, they are ingenious in figuring out new ways to raise the stakes and try to get us to lose control.  So don't expect to get a total handle on the situation quickly, or to be perfect.  This is messy business.  If you stumble, get back up, learn from it, and improve your game the next time.  If you succeed, congratulate yourself.  If you don't succeed a particular time, make a note of the circumstances.  You might have been tired, caught off guard, or she might have just dramatically raised the stakes.  Cut yourself some slack and keep on truckin'.

Maybe you could tell us what techniques you use to avoid reacting when she tries to push your buttons, and maybe we could get others to contribute there suggestions for what works for them.

WW

Wentworth,

I know I have a bumpy road ahead and I know I will be tested.

It has been easier for me because we are not really speaking, she stays in her corner I stay in mine.

I don't have any technic I don't think, when she talks at me instead of to me I just tell myself that was an attempt to push my buttons.

With her it's not so much what she says but the way she says it, she has a tendency to speak down to me like she would if I were her son.

For example last night I was in another room and her mother was asking how my mother was doing, and she walks in and "Tells" me fix the tv it has no sound.

Right away I saw her mother's face change like ah ohh somethings about to happen and she left.

She should have asked me but since she's still upset she decided to "Tell" me to fix it, that is one of the ways she tries to get me going.

So instead of getting into it with her I asked her if she pushed any other buttons on the remote?

Of course she said no, I'm thinking she was just looking for a reason to interact good or bad.

In the past when we had an issue and made up she would say how she missed me, and how she was "Faking the funk" when she tried to be hard.

That's probably what she's still doing now, she walks around singing and laughing like she has no care in the world...

Just an act.