BPDFamily.com

Hi,

My BPD wife of 6 yrs (partner of 13 yrs) and I have been separated since November (but living in separate rooms of the same house until we can split finances and work out mortgage logistics), and we began divorce mediation this week. We have a 5yo son.

My wife has been "close friends" with a new partner (who is only 19 yrs old, we are in our 30s) since immediately after she approached me for a separation. She claims they are just friends, but I'm 99% sure that they're dating, even if she won't call it that. She has already introduced our son to this new partner (even before we told our son we were separated and divorcing) and our son has spent time with them together. He gets along great with them, but I feel it is WAY too soon for our son's sake to be introducing, and that has been the only source of friction since the split. She ended up agreeing to postpone future contact until after we told our son about the divorce... .and less than a week after we told him, he's spending time with the two of them again.

I'm going to keep the house and buy out her equity (we just purchased the home this past June), although money may be tight for a while I will make it work, and we are negotiating a 50/50 split of child custody. Now my wife says her new partner has a "complicated living situation," and it is possible they may move in together when my wife finds an apartment. She claims they will just be "roommates" with separate bedrooms, but I'm pretty sure that's just for appearance's sake, and I'm sure that won't last long. So now I'm faced with the fact that my 5yo son is going to be living 50percent of the time with them, and seeing his mom moving in immediately with someone new. And although she'd never admit it, this is a rebound relationship. I'm concerned about stability for my son, and his emotional coping. He really likes this new partner a lot, and while that's good for him (and difficult for me), I can't help but wonder what he's learning from all of this with regard to relationships, and how it might affect his adjustment to the divorce to start living with mom not only in a new house, but with her new partner too. Someone who may or may not be around for long, given the volatility of rebounds and BPD, whom he is getting very attached to very quickly as well.

Unfortunately, my understanding is that there isn't anything I can do about this unless I can prove this partner is a danger to my son, has some sort of criminal past or is otherwise unfit. Fortunately that isn't the case, as far as I know (I've insisted on meeting the new partner, awkward though that may be, so we'll see how that goes). But emotional danger and damage isn't part of the equation. I just have to suck it up and deal, and be there for my son if things go south or he does have trouble adjusting. I know my ex is ultimately the one losing... .she isn't working on herself and the things that ended our marriage, isn't focusing on her relationship with her son, isn't taking time to heal, and is setting herself up to repeat the same problems in this relationship too. But how much is my son losing because of this, and what lessons is he taking away from it? Only time will tell, I guess.

Not really a question in all of this. Just a rant, and wondering if anyone else can relate.

I'll comment on two aspects.  First, you can't control her life and especially not after the divorce.  Court will more or less allow her to live her life as she wishes.  Some have tried a clause where neither parent introduces the child to a special person until some landmark event.  Well, you found out how well that works, right?

So with your concern about what sort of example it will be for your son, Accept that your impact on her choices will be limited at best and possibly none at all.  How would that affect your son?  Well, it is what it is.  However, you can be a good example for your son.  It has often been remarked here that one solid parent has a tremendous impact on limiting damage to the children.  One positive factor is that your child no longer will see you living life constantly appeasing, peace making and being without good boundaries.  So actually you will be a better example and model for your son once you have your own home, consistent rules and real stability.

Second, consider well how you view your house.  Yes, you just got it and maybe you're thinking you can stretch your finances and manage to keep it so son can have continuity.  Well, the reality is that your son needs a home and where that home is doesn't really matter.  If you don't need this house (and evidently his mother can't afford it) then give an honest consideration to selling it and starting over with a more modest home.  If you feel you need to keep it for your son, relax, where he lives doesn't matter as long as he has substantial time with you.  If you decide to sell and move you can always turn it into an adventure.

I kept my home in my divorce.  I had to get a new mortgage and home equity loan maxed out to pay her her equity, but I managed it okay.  But my mortgage doesn't get paid off until I'm in my 80's and this past year I lost my job.  The only way to keep the house is either to retire on early Social Security or find another well-paying job.  Nearly a year has passed and I'm still looking.  Over the years I've looked back and wondered more than once whether it would have been better to sell back then.  What I'm saying is, excluding the emotions, keep the house if you really, really want it and can easily afford it.  Ponder how you will feel about this decision 5 years from now, 10 years from now.  Otherwise, Let It Go.

Thanks for your comments. You're right, I do need to let go of it and realize that she's going to do what she's going to do, whether or not we see eye to eye about how it affects our son. I am definitely trying to provide him a source of stability emotionally and I do think he will enjoy the peace and one-on-one time with me during the times when he is at my house.

In terms of the house, financially it actually makes more sense for me to keep it, even if funds are a little tight in the short term. I am the only one listed on the mortgage, so I don't need to refinance and the terms are really good (30yr fixed with a low rate). I'm liquidating some assets and making arrangements to pay her share of equity (which isn't too much since we haven't been paying on it long, and if we were to sell now, after commission I highly doubt either of us would walk away with any profit, not to mention the tax penalty since we've been in the house less than 2 years). We're dividing our other debt and once I've paid off my share in a year or two, I'll have more cash on hand. I'm also due for a promotion in two years, and that will come with a pay increase. We'll shop cheap and cut extra expenses for a little while, and in the long run I'll be coming out on top. I feel pretty good about it, and am meeting with a financial advisor next week to make sure I'm budgeting properly.

I guess right now I just have to take my feelings out of the equation completely, and if she wants to move in with a 19yr old kid and has no qualms about bringing them into our son's life, that's her deal. The tough part for me is keeping things civil and biting my tongue about the stuff she's doing in the meantime until we get through this and she moves out. I'll always have to be in contact with her and deal with her crap because of our son, but at least it won't be a daily thing.

I can relate.

I have a 5 year old boy, 10 year relationship and 6 year marriage that is ending.  We bought a home last March and I knew something was up this summer. The mileage on the car and she never left her phone laying around.

Anyway, we got in a bad fight in August and that was kind of catalyst to end things. In October I caught her with this guy in his truck and she had sworn up and down there was no one else.

Anyway, have a brief 10 day charm another bad fight led to me retaining an attorney again and I finally moved out before Thanksgiving. She put a full court press on this guy I caught her with and it sounds like he’s moving into our house as a roommate.

The guy is a military vet she works with, has been divorced twice in 6 years, has a son on the West Coast who is 10 I believe. I have communicated with him over LinkedIn and he’s an obvious Narc and I’m condident he collects disability for PTSD.

I’m very worried how my wife’s BPD and his Narc/PTSD will play out when the honeymoon period ends but there is nothing I can do.  The guy has two 2 year marriages, there’s an issue there beyond picking the wrong woman and knowing my wife for 10 years, if he’s looking for easy, he’s not getting it with her.

A lot of us arrive here as doormats, a combination of passive and conflict avoidant. It's not uncommon to become this way when living with an emotionally reactive person   Over time, tho, as things play out and strength returns, the reality of the marriage can look much clearer.  Unfortunately, by then a custody order is in place, made when we were at our lowest point in terms of strength.  

What is your wife like in terms of her symptoms? How has the mediation process been going?


Is your son in counseling?

My ex's mother (uBPD) and stepfather (uNPD) were married for a couple decades before he died.  Apparently they got along well together, he was on some sort of health related SS disability so she liked his monthly check.  It has been noted that often a BPD/NPD relationship can last longer than expected because they can fill each other's neediness.  Sort of a functional dysfunctional Yin and Yang.