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I've been saying to myself for 18 months that I was going to write the whole lot down and I have finally started two nights ago.
This is going to take me a long time, I should have started it 18 months ago but I couldn't.
The purpose of this book is for a few reasons:
After 19 months of not seeing or having any contact (her doing) I am as about as good as I am going to get for a long time.

Also the few friends I've tried to explain to about everything at the beginning I don't think really understood, I mean how could they?

Also it's a full record in detail so now and then I still bring the subject up with them even though they don't get it and I usually keep it short and sweet. The thing is one day I can say "here, read this". Then they can maybe understand better.
If in the end I can get it published then that's a bonus but not the goal.
I've never written a book before and it's all scribble on paper at the moment and I expect around six months work maybe, and then the typing, I've done it this way because I can't type fast enough. Even writing is hard because my thoughts are faster than I can write.
It certainly makes the time go very fast and I was thinking I would not get enough down and have trouble filling it out and it would be a very small book but as I go on I know it will be a long book.
I know writing it all down is reliving it all but that is also part of the point because after all this time my brain and thoughts relive it all constantly to the point I thought I might as well write it.
Just thought I'd share this as I can't tell my friends what I am doing they will think I am crazy after all this time and maybe I am.
I will tell them when it is done and I give them a copy.

I'd be interested on how you feel going through the process.

I've been a fan of Pat Conroy since the 80s. His career was writing about his dysfunctional family.  In the last book he wrote before he died, he alluded to BPD (I think he might have been so himself). He mentioned being suicidal writing Beach Music. I'm not suggesting you may become so (lapsing into depression as he did),  but I have been hesitant to write myself,  despite many people in my life telling me I should write a book.  This was before I met my ex. Growing up with a BPD, Depressive, and PTSD mother,  I have a lot of good stories. I have so much more material now  :)

That's the thing, I actually felt better a few months ago, it could be the weather or because of Xmas and new year .
Those thoughts bounce around my head nearly every waking moment still,so I thought I might as well make a hard copy so to speak.
Plus as I said if anyone ever asks me anything I can just let them read it, it will be easier than trying to explain.

If you want the book to be read (as opposed to just being cathartic), create a book concept, and thumbnail of the story, and a table of contents and run it by some people.

We have gotten a lot of first time books sent to us for review and most are more interesting to the author than the reader. They often read like a slow motion car crash where everything deteriorates throughout the course of the book and then completely fails at the end with the protagonist being just a great person who is victimized and brought down.

Just a thought.

Good luck on this!

That makes sense and I understand.

Publishing it is not really the aim, if people read it and say I should try then I will look into it.

As I said it's more like an hard copy, like a backup drive and also just to write it down, it's a way of getting it off my chest.

Hey In a bad way, You might want to check out a book by James Pennebaker entitled Expressive Writing: Words that Heal, which talks about using writing as a tool to overcome trauma and upheaval, and to build resilience and improve health.  He also has a sequel which I haven't read yet.  Anyway, I tried his method and found it quite helpful. 

LuckyJim