BPDFamily.com

Good morning, a friend referred me to this site. I have skimmed some of the reading and found insite and similarities. I am officially divorced from a man of 7 yrs marriage which was never good. He cheated early on when I was pregnant , we stayed together. He ft fired from his job for the affair ad I had to work with the woman . From there, it never got better. But we had another child and life gets in the way of fixing a marriage. He could never engage in couples therapy, never articulate why he cheated. He distracted himself from his family with hobbies, trips, material items. Only started bonding with the boys at 2.5 yrs with each.  ( they are 5 and 3 now). The transition was going ok... .until he started taking monthly trips starting in November. He lied about where he was going. I agreed to take the kids. In Dec, he admitted to be dating someone ( which is fine, great!) except, she lives in San Fran and he'd like to introduce her to the boys 3 times over the 5 months and then she will be moving across country in with them in the early summer. Around the time of revealing the kids started having some sad feelings about switching houses so much. My ex, does not cannot see that the divorce is effecting the boys now. And that's ok, it normal. But moving in a woman they met 3 times could really confuse them and more. His mind is set, he proclaimed in recent therapy session " I do not feel I should put my personal life on hold to see if the kids adjust to this split." He has always put himself first. Has unresolved past issues, including being adopted and having a child at 17, who he gave up for adoption. Selfishness is his coping mechanism. Arguments have been heated and I'm hurt. I'm triggered by his lies and feel the pain of his infidelity all over again-partly b/c I tried to move on and take care of a newborn. I need guidance to move forward for myself, my boys. My ex cannot comprehend the magnitude of hurt he has put on me. Just yesterday, he revealed his new relationship started last spring, while we were starting mediation. The gf, who he knew from another job, lived locally and then moved out to San Fran for just a yr. The slow trickling of info is mean. But, I just don't think he has empathy. I know he is a lost soul, impulsive, searching for meaning. That's fine. But then there are the kids we share and it's 50/50 custody. I want to protect them from emotional harm. I'm an adult of divorced parents. I recognize that I am projecting my hurt. But I know there is potential that the kids may feel more lost, hurt and mostly confused about this move in. It's nonnegotiable with him. The gf will not get her own place in town or stay w/ parents while she slowly "dates" the kids. He cannot see the issue. ... .in a nutshell. That's my story.

As for your repeated hurts of what he has been and is doing, we commiserate with you, his behavior is not healthy.  Yet, that is what he is doing and there is little you can do about it.  He's an adult, and as such he gets to make his own decisions, whether healthy or unhealthy.  What you can do is examine what you can do.  You can set boundaries for what you will allow in your life and your parenting time.

Is it joint custody?  What is the parenting schedule like?

We agree that children can have a tough time with exchanges.  They may need transition time to adjust when returning to you, your home, your stability and your rules.  Also, the children will sometimes make observations.  Your task as the reasonably normal parent is to validate their observations when correct and guide them when they don't have the right perspective.  They're just kids and won't understand weighty issues so use age-appropriate examples.  Balanced observations can be guided to valid conclusions and awareness.

One f the first things my lawyer told me was "Courts love counseling!"  It's helpful for both you and the children.  If you have joint custody and ex blocks counseling for the kids, the court almost surely will agree to an order for counseling.  What can be a problem is if ex gets to pick a counselor, too often the disordered parent chooses a gullible or inexperienced one.  One strategy that seems to work well when there is conflict, since courts view it as both parents being involved, is for you to select a short list of the most experienced, reputable counselors that also accept the kids' insurance and then let ex pick from among those better choices.

What kinds of conflict did he exhibit in the marriage? I'm asking because they may eventually crop up in his r/s, especially if he is disordered near or at a clinical level.  My ex left to her new better life when our kids were 1 and almost 4 (she moved out four years ago last week). She introduced the kids to him with a month from what I could gather. I blocked her on Facebook before she moved out,  but one of my Secret Squirrels told me something.

 It can be painful to watch, but FD makes a good point about him making his own decisions "no matter how unwise you see them" as my therapist said about my ex.  

We have resources which can help you talk to the kids,  too. We'd love to hear more and how best we can support you Goodmama123. Don't underestimate the positive impact your stable household has on the kids despite their confusion about dad's Disney World household (in his mind). Even so,  divorced spouses usually move on,  and it's good to help kids adjust. We have the tools to help. 

T

I amso grateful and impressed with the quick responses! Thank you! Forever Dad- we have joint custody a 2-2-3 alternating schedule. He lives 1/4 mil away from me. I'm in the martial for now. I am seeking therapy myself and we did start therapy as a couple last week. He agreed to go again but then told me he doesn't see the point b/c he no longer wishes to talk about his gf moving in or their relationship. The phone calls get heated on my end, b/c I have held in all his secrets and hurt for many yrs. Neither of our parents know about his affair or that he was fired.
The conflicts that we had were really about engagement as a family, as a couple, as a lover and as a dad. My ex was disinterested in me after marriage. Distracted by school, work, money, hobbies, trips. The birth of the kids showed his lack of connection. We fought about him not being present. Always in his phone fixating on a new hobby, car that he could never buy, a project at the house or helping his friends with projects. That, was his get away, he'd help someone else out to avoid spending time at home. We argued about our lack of sex on his part, our lack of connection. I felt unloved. But then he showed his love by fixing smthg in the house or agreeing on painting a room etc. I admittingly was a doormat and enabled him to do what he wanted for fear he would cheat or leave again.
The gist that I'm getting from this site and from good support, is that I CANNOT control how he parents at his house. I can no longer tell him to put his phone down and play with his kids. That's my journey to recovery-letting go and acceptance.