Print Page - Confused about my ex girlfriend.

Hi everyone, I just want some advice on my confusing situation. I met this girl around a year ago. The first 3 months or so we barley talked and after that we started talking more and more. About another 3 months later we talked every day during this period and had decided we both was the ones we wanted to spend the rest of ourselves with. So, at this point we got engaged (I know you’re thinking engaged after 6 months?, well we both come from religious backgrounds and it’s something we both wanted). A little background on her is that she is actually married by law but separated from her husband for over a year now. He tries to call her now and then, but she ignores him and hasn't spoken to him at all. He cheated on her, and after giving him many chances she left. She is extremely argumentative and doesn't like to accept when she's wrong and always puts the blame on me. Her ego is above me in a sense. For example, if we argue about something & she knows that logically I'm right, she will refuse to accept it, for her saying sorry is a no no, it seems like her ego would get tarnished and that really frustrates me. I can't even bring up topics that are bothering me because she would get annoyed and she just doesn’t' want to fix issues that’s upsetting me. It takes so much energy just to even get through to her & even then she knows I’m upset but doesn’t comfort me. I know she cares about me, but I don’t know why she can’t show emotional affection and make me feel loved, I feel like it’s because of what happened between her and her husband. I don't know what the root cause of her issues are but she does have some issues. For example, she tries to change me so much and criticizes anything she doesn't like about me. She even said to me that if I don't cut my hair the way she always wanted her husband to cut his hair, then she will not marry me. We've been arguing about this for months and she won’t let it go. She said can’t accept me not cutting my hair the way she wants as it's always been her dream for her husband to do this for her (I know this sounds dumb, but it’s how it is with her).
Now I will tell you what lead to our break up. One day my mum made a snark comment about her telling me to leave her and that she’s not a good person. She heard this and broke up with me. I pleaded with her all night saying, why are you leaving me for something my mother said. I made my mum apologies to her and still she says she cannot accept it, after a few more hours of pleading she said she needs time to see if she can accept me now after what my mum said to her. However, she said if I drop all contact with my family then she will marry me without any issues. I refused so she said not to contact her anymore. So again, I made the mistake of begging and she came back out of pity, eventually to leave again…
I have been no contact with her for almost 3 weeks now. She hasn’t attempted to contact me either. I have a lot of questions in my mind and hope that you guys can help give me closure. The reasons she gave for leaving me are stupid, but I’m starting to doubt if it was my fault. When me and her first met we were just 2 people, we weren’t friends or anything. We only talked probably once a week for like half an hour. She seemed normal back then and I didn’t know about her depression or struggles.
After about 3 months of being casual and talking once a week, we both started calling each other more and more and in the next 3 months after we got really close and started talking everyday pretty much all the time. We were really close and met up at least every 2 or 3 days. Our life’s started revolving around each other’s and everything was perfect. We both was deeply in love and got engaged. During this time she was heavily depressed and would tell me about her ex husband and how abusive he was. She told me he cheated on her, made her feel worthless and they argued all the time because of how he behaved with her. She made herself look like she was a victim and cried to me about how much she’s gone through being with him. At the time I felt really sorry for her, so I would do whatever I could to make her happy, I was there for her whenever she needed and was a shoulder for her to cry on. After about another month or 2 she seemed to have slipped out of depression. At this point she had introduced me to her family and I became somewhat close to them. This is why I’m confused because if she has BPD or is a narcissist then why would she introduce me to her family if she didn’t intend to marry me? She’s from an extremely religious family so introducing me to her family is a big step. Everything seemed to be going perfectly, she seemed to be turning into the type of girl I like. For example she would dress and do her makeup the way I liked out of her own will. She was crazy about me and I felt really wanted. I mean she would get extremely upset if I didn’t call her on time etc, she was very jealous over me and clingy and constantly wanted my attention. I didn’t mind this because I felt wanted and it was a good feeling.

Even though things were great I started noticing the red flags in her behavior. She was extremely child like and would get angry and annoyed so easily if I did something she did not agree with. Her behavior was really frustrating to me because she would not acknowledge she was wrong, ever. We started to argue more and more and most of it was about her behavior and how she was never sorry about anything she did. She would break up with me because of this then make up within hours, she had a habit of breaking up and making up frequently. This use to hurt me so much so I got fed up one time and told her if you break up with me again then that would be it. I knew she actually never meant it when she broke up with me but it still hurt. So the next time she broke up, I said fine and cut the phone on her and went to bed. She then called me up 3 hours later that night and sent me pictures of herself with major cuts on the underside of her arm. She said to me that this was all my fault. I was in shock and argued it’s not my fault. At this point she believed that we were actually broken up, so got a scalf and started strangling herself with it for around an hour. I could hear her chocking but all I could do was tell her to stop over the phone, mind you she carried on doing it even though I told her we have not broken up. I threatened to call her sisters up and tell them what she was doing, but she made me promise not to. She only stopped doing it when I broke down from the stress.

After the above happened everything was fine for another 2 weeks or so, then she started bringing up the topic of how she wanted me to cut my hair (She did mention this at the beginning but assumed I would cave in after we got married), She wanted me to cut my hair in such a way that I hated and despised, so I refused. I tried to compromise and cut it in a similar way that I was ok with, but she was not happy. We would argue about this a lot, at least every 2 or 3 days, it even lead to her crying, cutting and strangling herself with a scalf again. But I just couldn’t do it. I tried to explain to her that you can’t force me to do something I’m not happy with because that’s not love, but then she would argue that if you loved me then you would do it for me. She thought it wasn’t a big deal, but to me it was. She wanted me to dress and cut my hair like a chav pretty much. She wanted me to wear extremely tight clothes, and become a skinhead along the side with a size 5 of hair at the top. But this just wasn’t me so I refused because my style in more casual. As stupid as all this sounds she was extremely serious about this and its one of the reasons why she left me. She even once said to me, “Look at me and look at you, no one would every believe we was together”. Granted she’s extremely good looking, but saying something like that is un-called for. When I confronted her she didn’t think she said anything wrong. It’s like she’s incapable of understanding how her words affect others.

In addition to the above, we had some other minor arguments during our time together, such as who would do what house work when we got married. I proposed we would do things equally, and if I mentioned anything she could do then I got accused of being controlling. We also had disputes over money as she is from a well of family and pretty much got whatever she always wanted. She is good at managing money but doesn’t save anything. She thought that I was tight because I was more reserved with the way I spend and she felt that I wouldn’t be able to support her when we got married. Yes, I did come across as being kind of tight, in the sense that I didn’t spend a lot on myself because I am saving up for a house and talked a lot about saving. But in our time together I have never asked her for any money and whenever we went out I always paid for everything and never let her pay. We even went out with her nieces once and I ended up spending around £400 on them just on that one day.
This is going to sound really dumb, but we once argued about buying an item cheaper at a place I know, but she wanted to buy the exact same item in a store she uses regularly for a higher price. When I asked her why she would buy the exact same item for more money when she could get it cheaper elsewhere, she didn’t have an answer, but kept saying she just wants to, that has to be the dumbest argument ever. Despite this no matter how much I reasoned with her, she’s just convinced that I’m a cheapskate that won’t support her well financially, and it’s also one of the main reasons she gave for dumping me.
Other things she use to do when we argued worth mentioning is that she would randomly just cut the phone line on me halfway while were arguing. Or she would just stay silent on the line for up to 5 – 10 mins while I’m upset and frustrated. When I asked why she did this because I hated it so much and felt disrespected, she would say, because of your behaviour. The thing is to me that’s emotional abuse because all I was doing was trying to fix the problem we were having. Her doing this implied she was punishing me, which worked cause I started getting worried about bringing topics up with her because she would get upset or angry and break up with me.
After a minor argument, she once cut the line and blocked me on everything, WhatsApp, phone, everything, so I had no way of contacting her at all. Half an hour later she unblocked me and acted like it was no big deal. No doubt that was another way of punishing me.
Anyway after all these arguments and disagreements of me not agreeing to cut my hair and dress the way she wanted. I think she finally had enough and started pulling away. She started calling me less and wanted to see me less. This made me become needy and comparing myself to her ex and constantly asking if she loved me. In addition to the constant break ups and me begging and pleading her to come back I think it just put her off. In the last days of the final break up, she made me promise not to bring up the topic but I was hurting and couldn’t help myself and needed her to comfort me but she just didn’t want to talk about the issues we had, and me constantly bringing it up led her to ending it.

I love her a lot and treated her well. You guys might be thinking this is just my side of the whole story. But I always treated her well and never let her feel unloved. I always made her feel special and wanted. Sure, we had our rows but I would always make sure it never crossed the line unlike her. I never played any kind of mind games and never broke up with her ever. I stayed with her even though she put me through hell. She was always talking about breaking up while I was always talking about mending things. She was just never prepared to talk things through about the problems we were having, which wasn’t working for me. Because I can’t pretend like nothing was wrong. Sometimes a little sorry would have been enough, but she wouldn’t even acknowledge when she’s at fault even when she knew she was logically wrong. No matter what she would twist it and make it seem like I did something wrong. For example her ex husband would give her number out to random guys online to piss her off, so she would get random phone calls almost every night, so I asked her to change her number and got accused of being controlling and not trusting her when that’s not the case. I just didn’t want her getting calls from random guys every night. Does that make me controlling, did I do anything wrong in saying that?

To be honest I don’t know what the reasons are for her breaking up with me. During the begging and pleading on different days she gave different answers. Once it was cause she thinks all I think about is money. Once was because I refused to accept how she wanted me to cut my hair. And once was apparently because I’m to controlling, which is not the case. I also think I messed up with the begging and pleading because it put turned her off and she even said to me directly at one point “Why are disrespecting yourself by crying and forcing me so much”.

I just wanted to write all this up, so I can come back to it if I ever get the urge to contact her again. We haven’t been in contact for 3 weeks. I just want to know from reading the above, did I do anything wrong and am I to blame for anything like she’s convinced? (Please be honest), I’ve only treated her with respect and care, and love her to bits despite being treated like crap. I just don’t know why after knowing everything she’s put me though, why I still miss her. I think it might be because she so strongly believes she’s right and I just want to prove to her she’s wrong and if I could show her she’s wrong then she would start changing. I miss the person she was when we first met, the person that was so crazy about me, that she even harmed herself for me. Now she’s just a cold callus person that I never thought her to be. She left me for minor reasons we could have talked through, and did so in a manner like I cheated on her or broke her trust or something. She was rude and extremely hurtful with her words when she left. I wish I could go back it time and never had begged and cried for her to come back. Because I feel shame that I looked so weak in front of her when she isn’t worth it. I wasted so much energy and tears on her. If she really loved me she would never have left me. The pain is really unbearable and sometimes I just feel like giving up.

Sorry if this is all inconsistent (I wrote this while working), I just let it all out as it came to me. All I want to know is am I to blame me for any of this? I’m confused because she believes I’m wrong. But then if I caved in and did everything she wanted me to then she would be with me right now. I’m not sure if I was being selfish or her. What are the chances of her ever coming back, because the way she speaks to me now is like I’m her worst enemy. Also is my hunch correct in that she has BPD and is a narcissist? Or am I going crazy? and should I carry on no contact if I want her back or should I reach out?

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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: SolidN6 on January 12, 2018, 06:32:12 PM