BPDFamily.com

Hello- I have never been a part of such a group and am hoping to find some much needed support, love and encouragement from those whose lives mirror mine. I am 48 and the mother of three darling daughters. My youngest daughter who is almost 19 was diagnosed earlier this year with BPD (though I suspected such a diagnosis long ago) and I am currently in an overwhelming fog of despair and heartache trying to help my daughter see her way through all sorts of personal and legal troubles. The year has included 2 arrests and jail time, 2 stays at our local Psychiatric Hospital, 1 stay at a hospital out of state and 90 days in an wilderness therapy program. At 13 she also did a 100 day stay in the same outdoor program. My daughter is bright and most always willing to do what it takes to get through a day. But, BPD and all its facets, makes life nearly unbearable at times as I'm sure you all know.
Today, I'm at home and in my pajamas still and reading for the very first time The Essential Family Guide. Wow. I'm a bit drained but excited to finish it and get to work. I decided to give myself a break and come check out the website and this space. Knowing that my words here will be met with an understanding that I can't find much anywhere else is already a huge comfort. I am truly a woman on a mission to live an abundant and happy life and to see my darling daughter do the same.

Hola, Momma!

As is often said 'round here:  "I'm sorry you had to find us, but I'm happy you found us."

Here's what I got for you today, and it's not much, but it's everything:  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Here's what we do:  Listen. Empathize. Hear you. Advise (sometimes). One more thing:  nothing you say will surprise us.  Collectively, we've seen it all (or at least 98.762%), so don't not say something because you think you're the only one going through this.

I recognize your hurt, pain, suffering, worry, anxiety, fear, and all around "I wish this wasn't happening",  mostly because I feel it as well.

As I've said before, we have a big couch here.  Grab a seat.

There's room.

PS - for what it's worth, I'm 46, DD19 diagnosed in OCT. after 2 years or more operating with a Bipolar Disorder diagnosis, amongst others.

2017 saw 6 hospital visits, 6 psych ward stays, a mad dash to grab her from college with suicidal ideation, no arrests (thank God), culminating with a 90+ day plus stay in a RT, which is still ongoing.

This is not a comparison of who's year was worse, but just an example of what I mean when I say "I understand".  My story, unfortunately, is not uncommon here. 


-justyouwait

Hi MommaCH,

You will definitely find support, love, and encouragement here :)

And oh my. You really have had quite the year.

Is your daughter's father involved in helping to navigate her personal and legal troubles? How are your other daughter's managing their sister's illness? Does your D19 accept her diagnosis?

Reading about BPD can be so helpful, as you mention. I highly recommend BPD and Adolescence by Blaise Aguirre, in addition to what you are reading. Blaire has some youtube videos online that are quite good. Other excellent books with helpful skills: Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning, and Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr. I found those two were the most helpful for supporting a loved one. And if you ever feel low on compassion and want to understand what it's like to have BPD, the book Buddha and the Borderline is very helpful.

Is your daughter receiving any treatment at the moment? Is she involved in trying to sort out her legal issues alongside you?

Glad you found us  :)

We are here to walk with you.

LnL

I am already feeling better!

Thank you for the recommendations on reads... .it's the only thing that's kept me from losing my mind. As far as treatment, she has just been released from jail and is awaiting sentencing on a Domestic Violence charge- her sister called 911 during one of her rages. She assaulted officers... .of course.

justyouwait... .oh girl... .if I had the pleasure of seeing you in person, I'd wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest hug ever. My goodness does it feel refreshing to be understood.

Looking forward to both giving and receiving here.

Yaaaaaas girlfriend!

... .but I'm a dude.

But I would take that hug, and return it with vigor.  I'm kind of a hugger.

A dude!  Strangely it never crossed my mind that you could be a man!  And, I'd still give you that hug! Again- thank you for the encouragement.

Last time I checked, anyway... .

There's a bunch of dads in this forum.

I hope today is a good one for you.

Does she accept the BPD diagnosis?

Oh you wonderful parent!  You are not alone... .I know you want peace for your daughter.  My daughter has BPD and the hardest thing about being her mom is knowing she is her own worst enemy and will continually sabotage herself.  There are many books, counselors and resources that can help but I'm struggling with the reality that this may be a lifelong battle she has to face - on her own and what can I do to help her get to that point?  It is hard, under all of the BPD drama - she loves you and knows you love her.  Have faith, get support and I will have you in my thoughts and prayers.  

Hey m'dear!  Guess what?  I am also a mother of 3 daughters, and I also have a youngest about the same age as yours who is BPD.  She's less of an out-and-out violent kind of girl and more of a manipulator. . .   but I DO GET IT, believe me.  I worry a lot about how her antics have affected her sisters. Truly, it affects a whole family.  It certainly strips away your naivete and innocence as a parent.  I never even knew I was naïve and innocent!  --but I am learning the degree to which I was, and trying to change so as to protect myself and my family.  My BPD daughter is smart and cute and talented and has so much potential if only she could get into some therapy and work toward getting well!  Glad to meet you and hopefully we can talk more.

Hi,

I commend you for the courage it must have taken to post on this site.  I hope that sharing my thoughts and experiences with my daughter's BPD might be of help. You have a significant advantage in recognizing your daughter's illness while she is still young - as devastating as it is to face the reality of your situation.

My daughter is almost 40 and it's only recently that I have been in a place to deal with it.  Her growing up years were so difficult and overwhelming that knowing she had BPD was put on the back burner.  I was a single parent alone with with my daughter who had multiple serious, and at times life threatening medical issues. I believed that her behavior was due to har father abandoning her and her limitations as a special needs child and teenager.  I won't get into all the details but she has been hospitalized more times than I can remember.  Her medical issues have become worse as she grows older as does the BPD. I felt that it was my job to fix everything and spent years running myself into the ground emotionaly and financially .  Last year I hit burnout - exausted, angry and fed up with dealing with her casting me as the terrible mother.  I went through a period of intense grief at the loss of my hopes and dreams for my daughter and having to face the reality of the pain of losing your child to this terrible illness. My  daughter believes that she has no mental health problems and refuses treatment.
  The understanding and support of this site helped me deal with my situation.

I learned "you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't change it" which is so true but very hard for mothers to accept.  I want to encourage you to take care of yourself - this is important for both yourself and your daughter.  You can't help her if you are burned out.  I wish that I had known about setting boundries
with my daughter before I was coming to the end of my rope. I also encourage you to consider your expectations for your daughter.  I've learned that setting them to high can lead to frustration and dissapointment.  This isn't about not setting bounderies but more about how she is able to relate to others.

I'll be thinking of you and your daughter.  Please feel free to contact me - I know how difficult this must be for you.

KCat