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What is a healthy response to a high functioning BPD spouse who barely works PT, has an obvious spending addiction, but refuses to share details of debt they have accrued which I, as the breadwinner, will mostly have to pay off?

This is the context of facing a mounting financial crisis caused by some other unavoidable debt. Basically at this rate, assuming she keeps not working, we are heading toward potential financial ruin in the next year.

So far I have asked politely. When she refused, I said it is hurting my ability to address the problem.

I have managed to keep my cool. My history is to avoid conflict so there is not a past of me attacking or shaming her.

I would like to give her another chance but if she continues to refuse, I believe this situation requires drastic action.

Do I have no choice but to open my own account to keep control of some of my income? Given the circumstances, I would say yes that would be wise. It would seem more respectful to inform her of this, rather than doing it behind her back as a sort of punishment. Yes? No?

I have some debt myself so I am not without sin here. I am just desperate to do this right after years of not, so my self-trust and confidence is barely a trickle.

What I cannot do any longer is slink away and let it continue.

Hugs blister.   

It is hard to change precedence.  And even harder when it is an area that you really dont want to manage directly.  You 'wish' it wasnt this way.  So some tough love (having failed at doing this for myself! )

From your post I can tell you really do know what you have to do.  You just dont want to do it (because it is a big huge drama scene when you do!).  But you have to.

Personally I think you should take over finances.  Use the excuse of getting your own under control.  MAKE A BUDGET.  Then TELL her what allocation she has for her spending habits.  Put mechanisms in place  to help prevent her from going over (cancel any joint CC and reissue with low spend limits).  Of course create your own account.  Not 'some' of your income, 'all' of your income - own managing it responsibly.  A great new years resolution.

But in most places, at the end of the day, any debt your spouse incurs is yours also. Minimize ways in which she can take on new debt, but ultimately it will be hard without drastic intervention/action.

And this phrase was shared with me by a close friend.  I found it outstanding advice.  Simple, and applicable to many unpleasant circumstances:

Sometimes the only way 'around', is 'through'.

@yeeter - thank you for the encouragement. Just having one person respond like you does worlds for me.

That "through" phrase is excellent to adopt.

I do know what to do. I also do know what will happen when I do it. Raging, splitting, false accusations against me, my children baffled wondering what Daddy did wrong.

The nice part this time around is being able to keep my cool keeps me above emotional water, so to speak, to clearly see that what I am doing is practically necessary, rather than some sort of extreme reaction from my fear, or an attempt at revenge.

My DH is a financial advisor.  He strongly counsels couples to have a "his, hers and ours" approach to accounts.  Pay goes into the two individual accounts, with an agreed upon amount placed in the joint account for household budgetary items and joint expenses.  This might be the way you move forward, as it does provide you the ability to fund a household account for which she is responsible to manage (you might fund it 100%, in fact).  She still controls her pay and spending, but your joint account does not bleed.