BPDFamily.com

Hi bpdfamily,

I’ve been meaning to post this for a while as I think it may bring some helpful insight to some members. My question is for those of us seeing a therapist or councilor what are/were the most significant advise or quotes given, especially in regards to a relationship with a BPD partner. Here are a few quotes that I can recall during my two years of therapy:

•   When I first told my therapist that I believe my ex has BPD the very first thing he said and very blatantly was “Then you stood no chance, no chance” and I know he truly meant it, if that makes sense.
•   “Finding success in a relationship with a partner with BPD is like a mouse searching for the cheese in a endless maze. It can never be found”
•   “BPD is so difficult FlyFish, there are many therapists who are even hesitant to council those with BPD. It takes very specialized therapy known as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to improve a pwBPD and even patients who enter this therapy are not that successful”

I have a lot more as I write notes from every session with my therapist but it’s getting late and I wanted to get this out there.

FlyFish

P.S. I by no means intend this post to vilify pwBPD. I believe it is a heinous disorder that not only is harmful to those who are afflicted by it but also to the ones who love them.

My therapist told me, “Make it easy for him to find his way back to you.”
This was so relevant to me this week as a good friend of mine did something that I am sure he regretted.  It was hard to not take it personal.  Hard to put my feelings aside and have compassion for what was said. I recalled the strategy tho of making it easy for him to find his way back to me, it is working.  I am so glad to have not lost this very good friend of mine.

“Sometimes a sorry is not spoken in words, but spoken in behavior.”  Sometimes my bf did some things that really seemed to warrant an apology.  T told me it was ok for me to “hear” an apology in his behavior of him appearing sorry.  Often bf could not state the words, yet he would treat me extra special in attempt to repair things between us.  I was instructed to allow this to be his expression of sorry.

Another thing was, “That is abuse.” T was referring to bf giving me the silent treatment for weeks.  I’m glad I learned about some unacceptable behaviors and that T clearly defined some stuff as “not ok.” Yet, tbh, he failed on this area too at times, but I am still grateful for learning about inactions and witholding affection/attentions being abusive.

“Couples heal together, couples hurt together” T said this meaning that we both had opportunity to either heal from past pains and have our relationship be a place of healing past wounds.  Or our relationship could be a place of us triggering those past wounds and causing us more hurt.  I’m glad to understand this because prior, I was of the belief that one was not “ready” for any kind of relationship unless one had completely worked on and removed all past wounds from propping up.  So this statement let me know it is ok for us to have past stuff pop up to an extent, but how we face that can either heal us or harm us.  I’m glad to know this.

T let me know that he did not need two people who understood what he was trying to convey.  He told me he only needed one of the couple to be a guide for the other.  And it would soon be evident if we could sort stuff out or not.  And he was accurate, things did become evident.  As he prodded us along a path towards reunification, it was very evident where there was resistance.  

“We need to get rid of the smoke and mirrors.”  When he said this, he meant that there was so much conflict going on, that he was unable to see what the real issues were.  That as a couple, we were causing so much peripheral issues, we had trouble focusing on the meat of things.  I was instructed to make my side of the street look pristine, so that bf could not sit an point fingers at me all session and we could focus on other stuff.  So i did.  I cleaned up my act big time.  Interesting how much I was contributing to smoke and how much clearer things were becoming once I cleaned up my side of stuff.

So that helps me recall one of the most important things I learned... . (the solution to the smoke and mirror issue) To be an observer of things.  He taught me that I needed to learn to be present, but not inside the conflict.  I needed to always maintain an observers position of non reactivity. Wow! This skill was a huge game changer and one that will always be helpful in life.  I got to a point where my bf was flipping out, and I could calmly sit there and observe all the meanings behind the interactions without becoming reactive.  I learned how to respond as an intentional observer and not become emotional even while bf was having complete meltdowns or near meltdowns.

I guess the most helpful things T taught me are ones that are going to be useful to me no matter who I am in a relationship.  I appreciate the tools that will be relevant and helpful in me possibly one day having a fulfilling intimate relationship with a life partner.