BPDFamily.com

Hi all,
My ustbxBPDw (that is a mouthful) and I have been separated for about 2 months.  I have two kids from a previous marriage and decided to move the three of us out after a sort of "last straw" episode.  We are in agreement to sell the house, and also on making some improvements and fixes before we list.  However, it has been a real challenge actually getting the improvements done.  The problem I have right now is that nearly every time she has an issue, she contacts her lawyer, who contacts mine, and so on.  The issues do not get resolved- my lawyer gets an email, contacts me, and we respond with a proposed solution.  Then nothing.  Am looking for ideas on how to stop the $65/per email machine.  So far my lawyer hasn't been effective in actually negotiating anything (not sure if I can blame her though), and I'm considering either changing attorneys, or simply not having one for a while.  The thought is this (maybe crazy):  If I self-represent at least for a while, then she won't have incentive to run to her lawyer each time, and if she does, I can interact with a rational person.  We have property division and spousal support to get through, so there isn't anything really urgent for me as the high-earner.  Also have thought about mediation, and ustbxBPDw was on-board with that idea (then not, then was, then not).  Has anyone had success using a mediator?  Any other ideas outside of filing requests for orders?

Achoo2,
    I have a friend who's ex husband (non-BPD) was constantly communicating through lawyers and taking her to court.  She did what you are considering and decided to represent herself so he would be the only one incurring attorney fees and within 6 weeks (two court visits) they reached an agreement and the back and forth has pretty much stopped.  I'm not sure if that's a good indication of how a BPD would react, but I have seen it work.
    I think I am also one of the few here who have gone through mediation with a dBPDh.  My primary motivation was to try to keep things amicable with cost control being a close second.  I'd say it wasn't as smooth as I thought it would be, but I think it probably did achieve those goals as much as could be reasonably expected (my expectations lowered over the course of the process).  
    We worked with the mediator for about 4.5 months, meeting an average of 2x/month.  I am an analytical person and dBPDh is not, so he took a very passive role as far as gathering documentation and coming up with suggestions on how to divide assets, custody, etc.  I could take care of gathering documents for both of us, but it became pretty frustrating when I would suggest a division of assets and he would say "no" but not offer an alternative.  I would say that I basically "bought" his agreement by giving him 65-70% of our marital assets and agreeing to pay all expenses for our children except the food he buys for them when they are with him.  I probably could have gotten a more favorable settlement from a judge, but it would have looked more traditional (me paying child support and possibly maintenance) and I put a pretty high value on not having to write him a check each month or rely on him to pay his portion of our children's expenses.  
    Once we had an agreement that we both said we were willing to commit to it went to our individual lawyers for review and processing.  That was 4 months ago.  He still hasn't signed or taken the court mandated parenting class.  He won't get the settlement until he does, so I'm not sure why he's continuing to drag his feet.  Some of it is that he hired an inexperienced lawyer who may not be managing him well, but I'm starting to wonder how much of the delay is intentional.  I've done everything I can to speed the process along and my lawyer has informed his lawyer that she will start taking legal action to motivate a response if he doesn't attend the class and sign by the end of this month.  I'd like to avoid that, since our combined legal fees (mediator and lawyers) are at about $12K so far.
    One suggestion I have is to stop attempts to improve/repair the house until you have gone through the division of assets negotiation and gotten at least verbal approval witnessed by the mediator.  If she is not under legal obligation to support/promote those improvements/repairs or surrendered her decision making rights to you those repairs may end up costing you more time/legal fees/stress than they are worth.  I wanted to and am able to afford staying in our marital home, so I made sure it was awarded to me so I don't have to consult dBPDh about anything related to it.  
    It helps to know what your ustbxBPDw values and what you are and aren't willing to give up.  Then your main focus can be working to keep her motivated to move in the direction you want to move by giving her what she values (as long as it doesn't require that you give up something you value more highly than getting the divorce finalized).  I think it's good to anticipate that this process will bring out the worst in both of you and you'll need to do what you can to manage your emotions so you don't end up fighting over things neither of you really care about.  
    What do you think ustbxBPDw values that would motivate her to respond and act on your proposals?  :)oes she want the process over quickly?  Is there something she would be willing to trade for her interest in the house (retirement money/household goods/etc) so that you can have the freedom to do what you want with the house?  
BeagleGirl

Typically mediation at the start of a divorce doesn't work with an entitled person.  Most here managed to get settlements just before a major court event, a hearing or trial.  That you don't have children together means the case is less complicated without the custody struggles.  Mine was a two year divorce process since we had a preschooler.  Another factor was that she had a very favorable temp order and so she had every incentive to make the divorce process last as long as possible... .which is why our settlement didn't happen until I was "on the court house steps" just minutes before our scheduled all-day trial was to begin.

Even without shared children a person with BPD or some other acting-out disorder can delay on anything and everything.  Ponder what you can do to incentivize a quicker resolution.  For example, are you paying her legal fees?  If so then she has no incentive to limit the lawyer's involvement and additional billing.  So if possible take a stance that her lawyer gets paid from her portion of the marital assets.  Is that possible in your state?  To many disordered people $$$ speak louder than any logical reasoning.

For some reason I paid only child support, not spousal support, during my divorce.  She did get alimony after the final decree.  How long were you married?  As long as it wasn't a long term marriage where your state might consider lifetime alimony, I've never heard of alimony lasting longer than half the marriage.  Often it is less.  Mine was a 15 year marriage when we separated but 18 years at the final decree.  The lawyers, mine suggesting and hers agreeing, chose 18 years in the settlement and the ratio was two months for every year, or a total of three years alimony.

Understand that she is very likely to feel entitled, enabled and have self-centered perceptions, especially early in the process.  She will try to make you feel guilty and obligated.  (Typical 'FOG' we experience is Fear, Obligation, Guilt.)  You, on the other hand, need to perceive that appeasement and being too-fair are unlikely to work, not for long anyway.

Thank you BeagleGirl and ForeverDad!  We do have a short term marriage (7y), so in our state spousal support term is half the marriage using the separation date.  Since my first post, I received a voicemail from ustbxBPDw suggesting we drop the fighting and start working together, and that only the lawyers are winning.  Hmmm, well sounds good. Oh wait, then it was followed up by several angry texts 30 minutes after the vm- I'm bad now.  BeagleGirl, I'm like you with regard to the organization, etc. Keeping the house isn't in the cards for either of us, but we both stand to profit from its sale.   That seems to motivate her a bit- she just wants full control over the process, which would be fine, but things are taking much longer than they need to, and she is playing the martyr-"I'm so overwhelmed with all the projects!  If you try to contact another vendor directly you'll be hearing from your lawyer!" .  I think she also is hating the prospect of all the divorce paperwork; maybe proposing a settlement agreement early might entice her.  We have 3 pets and she is refusing to let one of them go (court date in 60 days). Outside of the one pet, I've taken the position of being willing to keep or let anything go at the "fair market value" I listed.  Seems the less invested I appear, the lower ability she has to create conflict.  ForeverDad- I hear you on the appeasement note.  I've done that a few times over the last couple of months and the effects are short-lived.

You might not get her cooperation with the sale of the house, you might need to get control of the sale through the court, or need the court to set some deadlines for things to get done ie: repairs need to be done by a certain day, house needs to be on the market by a certain day, once under contract you have x number of days to close etc.  Try and get consequences built in... .if not completed on time whoever caused the delay looses a certain amount of the house sale each day they delay to the other person for example.

Just some things to think about.

I hope you are documenting... .saving texts/saving emails that she is dragging her feet and that you continue to be problem-solving and pro-active regarding the sale.

Panda39

As you may deduce from my username, I love my beagles, so I can relate to the importance of pet custody.  I was pleasantly surprised that our mediator took this seriously and allowed us to include a "parenting plan" for our dogs.  It's nice knowing that I have legal recourse if dBPDh tries to deviate from what we agreed to.  It also allowed us to have the conversation about them in the same context as the rest of our settlement.  I won't go into all the details unless you are interested, but we were able to be just as specific about setting guidelines for our dogs as we were for our children.