BPDFamily.com

I’m in a relationship with a woman who I believe has BPD.  I understand validating when she goes off into one of her tantrums.

My question is should I ever expect her to be empathetic to my needs?  Example: she was down the road from my house having drinks with friends.  She called to tell me she’s be over at 5. She arrived at 6:30.  I got angry and told her she was inconsiderate... .she could have called to tell me she’d be that late.  She started to get angry back, but luckily it didn’t escalate

Another example:  we hosted a pool party together. I didn’t see her most of the night.  Each time I tried to find her and present ourselves as a couple, she found a way to disengage from me.  When I asked her about this after the party, she got upset with me and said this didn’t happen.

I understand people with BPD see and feel things differently.  But sometimes I feel like a doormat... .as if my feelings will never count.  Is this the life I should expect to lead because of my love for her?  Do they ever feel empathy towards their loved ones?

Sorry I do not have a solution for this but am having similar issues. My friend died yesterday and I was upset. My bp partner didnt react when I told him but then blew up at me minutes later for asking a question. I know it can be hard for people with BPD to feel empathy but I was just wondering if/how others deal with it (find support elsewhere/keep trying to get a positive response from their bp loved one?) And if it will likely always be like this?

I think it is possible have your feelings and needs heard, but often you have to get theirs feelings out of the way first. They view the world through rejection and when we approach them about something they did wrong by accusing them they will respond out of rejection first, anger second. It is hard for them to admit when they do wrong because that means they are "bad", which means they will be rejected.

One way to say hard things to to someone with BPD is to use  SET  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0). We give a supporting statement, an empathetic statement, and then the truth.

Using your example of her being late:
You: I think it's great that you hang out with X every now and then. It's important to me that you have friends and have a good time with others. It's hurtful to me you're going to be late and I don't hear from you. Can you please just let me know that you will be later than planned next time?

Using the SET model and your 2nd example, would you practice a way to address the pool part here?

I know it can feel bad to think your feelings don't matter.  BPD is a bit of an emotional disability and so their emotions are not easily controlled, and like tattered stated, being told they were in the wrong in pretty much any way is not easy for how their emotions interpret the statement. 

And yes, it can seem that empathy is impaired in many with BPD - try to remember that inside their own heads, it's a mess of mixed up emotions and they missed the day in school where most of us learned to control them and to put facts ahead of feelings.  Their emotions are so strong, yours can be drowned out, and you DO have to plan to acknowledge theirs on the way to making them know yours.

"I wish you told me you were running late." = "I am mad at you and rejecting you and you are in the wrong and a bad person, and I might have to abandon you over this"

It's not a simple, "I'm kinda put out you didn't bother to tell me you were running late and it messed up my schedule."  It's a full-on rejection because that's how SHE':) feel if you were late.  The idea your emotions may not run the same spectrum and you may have more tempered responses is not something she can understand easily.  She'd be mad, and assumes your level of mad would be as disproportionate as hers would be, and so reacts to you defensively, picking a fight to put the blame on YOU for making her feel so bad she had to pick a fight. 

Reforming your instinctive responses and ways to communicate can help with these issues, and yes, the pwBPD CAN learn they hurt you without feeling it's self-annihilating to them to admit it.  But it takes time and both of you learning.